Melvania » Humour

You know you're from Wisconsin…

melvan — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 01:07:05 +0000

You schedule your wedding in the middle of January without a thought about weather conditions.

You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping the food will swim by.

Formal is a tucked in flannel shirt.

You start complaining if there’s no snow by Thanksgiving.

You keep the snow tires on your truck all year because it isn’t worth taking them off for only two months.

You have a town with men foolish enough to play a tackle football snow bowl on the Sunday after Christmas for 37 years in a row.

You know how to polka, and enjoy it.

Your freezer is warmer than it is outside, and you don’t immediately wonder if it’s broken.

You think a basketball team consists of twelve white boys.

There are two seasons: winter and road construction.

You’ll never get sick of Da Yoopers “Second Week of Deer Camp”.

You’ve actually HEARD of Da Yoopers.

You can leave your ice cream in the car while you go into Fleet Farm,
and it won’t melt.

All your kids at school are above average.

Your local Dairy Queen is closed from December through February.

Your dad’s sun tan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead.

You believe the only REAL vehicles have skis in front and a loud motor
under your seat.

You may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Lutefisk.

Half your friends are Lutheran.

The other half are Catholic.

You don’t think it’s at all weird for Wal Mart to be selling swimsuits
and winter coats mere feet from each other.

You like the Winter Olympics better than the Summer Olympics.

You’ve had to replace your mailbox three times this winter because the
snow plow hit it.

You consider snow banks to be “just another rough” on the golf course.

You know that Eau Claire is not something you eat.

You think hotdish is one of the major food groups.

You think anyone who says “casserole” instead of “hotdish” is trying to
be uppity.

You have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time.

You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

Your best clothes are reversible; from blaze orange to camouflage.

You have ever thought Michelangelo’s statue of David was “indecent”.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a pair of kissing Dutch kids next
to your Blue Spruce.

You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd
birthday.

Your birthday was in April, and you still got to use the shovel right
away.

Your definition of a small town is one that has only one bar.

Your town has an equal number of bars and churches.

You know how to say Wauwatosa, Manitowoc, and Waukesha.

The “Big Three” means Miller, Old Milwaukee, and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

You think that ketchup is a little too spicy.

You think the expression “to open a can of worms” means “to go
fishing”.

You know what cow tipping is.

You support the preservation of forests, farmland and wetlands because
that’s where you hunt deer, pheasants and geese.

Your daily meals are breakfast, dinner, and supper.

At least 25% of your relatives work on a dairy farm.

Every January, from age 2 to 13, you let your older siblings talk you
into putting your tongue on a steel post.

Being a “Red Wing fan” means you like their new line of hiking boots.

Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee.

You believe human beings must all go through a frozen dormant period
for four months every year.

You consider Lime Jell-O a highly versatile food: a breakfast dish when
it is filled with fruit, a salad when it has shredded carrots and a dab of
mayonnaise, and a dessert when topped with dreamwhip.

The physician giving a lecture on gastro-intestinal disorders talks
about your “tummy”.

You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned on the same weekend.

You never had to rewind any part of “Fargo” because you missed some of
the dialogue.

Your town isn’t trying to be ironic when it plans a “winter carnival”.

You always believed that vacation meant “going up north.”

Your bank has the name of your town included in its name.

Your town has an annual festival honoring a fruit, vegetable or ethnic
food.

You can identify a Michigan accent.

Plugger cartoons make sense.

You praise the parents of the state’s top basketball player for pulling
him off of the team until his grades improve.

You believe that bitter cold, a slippery surface and speed go together
in a sport and on the Interstate.

The temperature in February is above freezing for three days in a row,
and you think it’s summer.

You think it’s best to eat Jell-O after it’s molded.

You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a blizzard
shutting down the entire east coast.

You learned to drive a tractor before you took the training wheels off
your bike.

Your mom asks “Were you born in a barn?” and you know exactly what she
means.

The first time you saw “Grumpy Old Men” you thought it was a
documentary.

You think that “UFF DA” is a standard English phrase.

You can recite, from memory, more than a half-dozen “Ole and Lena”
jokes.

You know people named Ole and Lena.

“Down south” means Chicago.

You are convinced that “deer season” should be a holiday.

You thought “deer season” was already a holiday.

You thank God every morning for not making you an Iowan.

You might be an IRC addict…

melvan — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 01:06:14 +0000

First of all, this is a HUMOROUS LIST. It is supposed to be FUNNY. So don’t be sending me hate mail over it. I’ve been through this list several times & I can’t think of one reason why people should be offended by it. If you can give me a specific example and tell me WHY it’s offensive (without cussing me out), I’ll listen. I am a recovering IRC addict myself. Many of these lines I wrote from MY OWN EXPERIENCE. So if you’ve got nothing better to do than get offended at a JOKE, don’t even bother to read this page. Get a life.

Second, I’m not adding to this list anymore, because even when I do get lines from people, they’re not very original. Now, on with the list….

if you know your cyberpals better than your own family.
if you speak in constant random abbreviations. (i.e. LOL, brb,
imho, hehehe, etc.)
if you constantly want to express your thoughts IRC-style. (i.e. /me wants a can of Dr. Pepper)
if you name an IRC channel after yourself (i.e. #melvania).
if you go into deep depression when deprived of a computer.
if you start to smile sideways.
if you telnet to IRC.
if you put off doing stuff (laundry, cleaning your room, etc.) so
you can “just check and see who’s there”.
every time you meet someone new IRL, you want to do a /whois…
when you hear a song on the radio and don’t remember who sings it,
your first thought is to “scroll up” to see what the DJ said.
if you create IRC superheroes.
if people call you by your irc nick more often than your real
name.
if you refer to your parents, teachers, or boss as “ops”.
if you own a bot.
if you run an irc server.
if you start to write your own server.
if one day you relize that most of the addresses you have in your
address book are of IRC pals.
if you were amazed to find out Spam is a food.
if you introduce your husband as “my domain server.”
if you refer to your spouse as wife@home.org
when you get home from work, you type /names #home to see who else is
there.
The biggest laughs you get come from typos made on irc.
if you change your nick when you’re away…i.e. melvan becomes
mel`sAway, etc.
if you get an extra phone line for the modem just so you can be on irc
all the time.
if you would rather be at your IRC birthday party than out with real
people!
if you bring in the new year by chatting on irc.
if someone at work tells you a joke, and you say “ROTFLOL!”
if you have ever had a dream about the people in your channels.
if you have ever dreamed about being on irc.
if you leave the computer on just to see the mIRC logo!
if you watch T.V. with closed captioning turned on.
if your friend Susan tells you something sad on the phone and you say
“Awwww, /me hugs Susan.”
if you keep begging your friends to get an internet account so “we can
hang out.”
three words: carpal tunnel syndrome.
if you are laughing at these jokes.
if you want to meet a guy/girl and your first impulse is to turn on
your computer.
if you once devoted a weekend to “working on your popups.”
if you sometimes go to #egypt “just to get away from it all.”
if you wait for your roommates to say “re.”
if the words “takeover,” “nick collide,” and “flood” make your heart
beat faster and your hands a little shaky.
if you start predicting netsplits.
sometimes when you type commands from a unix/dos prompt you mistakenly
begin them with a “/”
if you’ve ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to
face.
if you’re getting antsy because you might be missing something good
on IRC while reading this!
when you’re tired, you refer to yourself as being “lagged”.
if you try to change your ping reply and quit message daily.
if you reconnect to correct the typos in your quit message.
if you have over 20 megs of .wav files in your mIRC directory.
if you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino’s.
if your child ignores your request and you wonder if she is lagged.
if you send internet Christmas cards.
if you’ve been so anxious to get on IRC you forgot to turn your
speakers on and can’t figure out why you can’t hear the wavs being played!
if you have ever wondered if there is a #mIRC-anon.
if you have a mIRC web page (or links to any mIRC pages on your page)
if you think that this is not fantasy but real life and you plan your
whole life around IRC chat!
if you’ve ever logged on to dalnet.
if you join #hispanola “just to work on my Spanish.”
when someone on the channel asks if anyone knows some good servers,
everyone else types your nick.
if you join busy channels just to talk to yourself because the
scrolling makes you feel better about it somehow.
if your pregnant wife goes into labor and you stop to type a “special”
away message.
if YOU go into labor and you stop to type a “special” away message.
if you have a vanity car tag with your nick on it.
if you sell your car to buy a home computer with an internet
connection.
if you’ve been lagged so bad that you’ve switched servers so much you
can see your nicks on the channel list 3 times.
if you have ever telnetted to a bot
when you join #mIRC everyone types “Norm!”
one time you used a feminine nick “just to mess with the horny net
geeks.”
if your service provider calls *you* for tech support.
if you have to scroll through your popup menu.
if your friends are now convinced that IRC stands for “I Repeat
Classes.”
if you come home from work, look at your kids, and say “ib.”
if you’ve ever gone to one of those form-submit web page ‘chats’ just
to say “you losers don’t even know what irc is, do you? Huh!? DO YOU!?!”
if you’ve ever typed “drinking on irc is better than drinking alone.”
if you no longer type with proper punctuation, spelling,
capitalization, or complete sentences..
if you live on #twilight_zone for months praying for an O: line
if you end up with 7 O: lines
to get revenge on someone you know in RL, you mail bomb them..through
the US postal service, that is.
if you have met over 100 ircers
if you /umode +s because you don’t feel right without it
if you don’t know your boyfriend/girlfriend’s first name
if your boyfriend/girlfriend in RL gets on IRC because it’s the only
way to reach you
if you know which servers are major hubs…in *.tw
if you find yourself wishing that girl that who cut you off were on
irc so you could flood her
if you read operlist
if you tell your friends you have plans already on saturday night when
you don’t
if your .ircrc is over 80k
if you feel a need to talk in all caps to certain people in RL
if your desk is the only part of your room you ever use (forget the
bed
if you have ever put a smiley in a paper at work
if the Jehovah’s Witnesses knock on the door, and all you can think of
doing is flood them with PINGs.
you get a call from a telemarketer, and instead of hanging up on them,
you set down the phone, and set their mode to -v
if you call up your friend Nick, and /invite $nick to #watch_TV
if you offer the babysitter OPS when you go out for the night
if you refer to rush hour traffic as LAGGED… or to avoid traffic,
you tell your passenger you need to quit for a second to switch servers
if the word I is now replaced in your vocabulary with /me.
if you raise your hand in class, and say “BRB”
if you have more than 3 private MSG windows going simultaneously
if you won’t subscribe to a certain internet provider because they
don’t offer unlimited time per month
instead of taking a disk home from work, you set up your BOT to serve
it to you later that night
if you no longer have to stop and explain to your friends what “RE
ALL” means
if you begin to say hehehehehehehehe instead of laughing
if you don’t sleep at night because you are too busy staying up late
thinking of a new NICK
if you know and use regularly, more than 10 different ways to smile in
ascii text
if you cry when you see more than 3 quit messages with two servers
listed as the reason.
when someone says “what did you say?” you reply “scroll up!”
if you find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of
the night when your spouse is asleep to get more irc time in!
if you turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won’t know
that you are on irc again!
if you know more about your irc “friends” daily routines than you do
your own spouses!
when someone in a channel says “where is today”, and
you know exactly where that person is and why they are not logged on.
if you find yourself lying to others about your irc time. When they
complain your phone is busy, you claim it was off the hook!
if you have an identity crisis if someone else is using your nick.
if you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying
too much instead of the truth (up all night on irc!)
if you change nicks so much that you have to type /me to see who you
are!
if you put on special mood music while talking to certain people in
private chats!
if your friends on irc were above your RL friends on your Christmas
card list!
if you find yourself involved in channel politics on irc!
if you ever turned down real hugs for {{hugs}} from your irc friends.
if you have actually kept up with 10 converstions at one time!
if you postpone your college graduation date so you can keep your free
.edu account!
if you have ever written a pen-and-paper letter to someone and found
it _impossible_ to do without smilies
if you’re broke and your modem burns out and you go out on to the
streets to sell your body to get a new one..
if you are willing to risk a divorce because your husband doesn’t like
all the time you are spending on the computer
if you are willing to sell a kidney to get to the next #anne-Rice
channel meet
if you are risking your job by staying on #anne-rice in the afternoon
if you open up your home to 15 strangers for a week merely because
they have computers and cute nicknames
if you consider getting an THIRD phone line so your S.O. can get
online on a different acct
if you yell at people because they “aww” using more than 2 w’s and are
messing up your URL list
if your kids are standing at your side going “mommy, please come cook
dinner” and you’d rather type another “LOL!”
if the first thing you say after coming out of a movie is, “Hey.
Remember that funny line? It would make a perfect info line!”
if you type /me in an email
if you marry your cyberboyfriend RT and you both sit at your own
computers and chat to each other every night from across the room!
if your first thought when your nick is taken is “VERSION”
if you sell your car to finance an irc-ready computer and separate
phone line.
if your CD collection is organized not by artist or category, but by
channel mood.
if you quote IRC conversations in your web pages.
if you quote IRC conversations in your homework/midterm/thesis.
if in fact the only web page you even develop is one of IRC
conversation transcripts.
if you are impatient at a stop light and think “gimme ops!”
if while driving someone cuts you off and you glance at their license
plate and mentally insert it into a “/kick | /mode +b” command
if you forward all your e-mail to your bot.
if you buy an irc-ready computer just to free up the office’s net
account.
if you buy your parents an irc-ready computer so they can contact you.
if you own stock in Jolt Cola.
if your aliases.ini or popups.ini exceed your swapfile in size.
if you buy a laptop & cellular phone so you *never* have to say “BRB”
again!
if you have an S.O. whom you’ve never actually met IRL.
if when speaking rapidly, you omit punctuation and proper case.
if you can add new items to this list from personal experience.
if your e-mail signature lists your nick before your e-mail address.
if you find yourself labeling your possessions with your nick.
if you find yourself answering your phone with “Hi, this is
…”
if you have succeeded in getting at least one take-out joint to set
up an IRC account so you can order on one phone line.
if asking your age/sex/location is considered a pick-up line
if you think most of the stuff on this list is merely amateur’s stuff
if you make a list of “How to tell if you’re addicted to IRC”.