FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #11
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper or Melvan
renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This is the introduction.  We have some very important, happy news to
report.  December 27 was XX's birthday!  Happy birthday, XX!  (from DP)
Thanks to all who sent XX birthday email:-)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!  We hope you didn't do anything stupid on New Year's
Eve.  We also hope you didn't suffer too much from the lack of FME for
a week.

We have received plenty of responses to our reader survey, and
we thank you from the bottom of our spleens.  In the next issue
(which we are actually getting started on in the next few
minutes), we will have some new stuff for you to puzzle over.

HEY EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
Here's a really neato section for y'all to enjoy this week...

F M E   R E E E E L Y   C O O O L   N E W   P R O D U C T S

1)  FME--The Breakfast Cereal
    The ONLY breakfast cereal that explodes in your mouth--not in
    your hand!  Little tractors, plows, milk machines, with
    delightful marshmallows--green pigs, yellow cows, and purple
    chickens!  And one special marshmallow in each box--Lucky the
    Leprecow!  And... if you're looking for an out of the
    ordinary way to commit suicide- eat FME-The Breakfast Cereal.
    Your insides will be blown into next week.

2)  FME Christmas Lights!!!
    Tractors that explode on your Christmas tree!  Sounds of many
    different models of tractors exploding combine together to
    bring you an all-time favorite Christmas carol, "Silent
    Night" (or at least until you buy these lights)

3)  FME--The album
    *BOOM*, *SCREEEEEEEEEEK*, *KABBBBBLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOEEEEEY*,
    etc.  This lovely conversation piece will liven up any ole
    party with actual recorded sounds of tractors exploding in
    different environments- in the rain forest, under the ocean,
    amongst singing dolphins, by the crashing waves of the
    ocean, and amongst the "songs of the barnyard" (moo, moo)

4)  FME--The album part II, by candlelight
    enjoy beautiful piano music superimposed about
    sounds of exploding Farm Macheenery.

-----------
And now, straight to you from MM's bedroom, comes this important
announcement:  Give me the purple pea.

Sorry.  Actually, this is a list of interesting spellings of
common words.  We have made sure that each word contains at least
one 'X'.  Your job is to figure out what the word actually is!
Hahahahahahaha!

Mynneseauxttah
shampeaux
Wyskeauxnsyn
expleauxsian
Kallapheaurneaux

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu with your questions

Dear Wise Sage:
Why don't banks ever make chains on pens long enough?
The Other One

To The Other One:

There was a rule made in banks world-wide that the chains on pens
must be very, very short.  This came about after an unfortunate
incident in 1949 in a bank in Iowa where a bank teller committed suicide
by strangling herself with one of the pen-chains in the bank.  I am kidding,
of course.  Actually, the reason why the chains on pens are so short is
because of The Great Wirecutter.  The Great Wirecutter is
a powerful being that takes the form of a wirecutter and goes to
banks everywhere and snips the wires.  From each wire it snips, The
Great Wirecutter gains more power to wreak havoc on banks everywhere.

The Wise Sage

and following up...
And who is it that carries the wirecutters?
The Other One

To The Other One:

Why, The Great Wirecutter, of course.

The Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage:
Where's my gun?
(Still) The Inexperienced Avatar

To STIA:

Hmmmmmm...  let me consult my magical crystal globe...
Just a sec... *SMASH*!  Oops, I broke it!  Anyhow, are there
a lot of farm animals or wild animals living in close proximity
to you?  If so, then my guess is they stole it!  That's right-
all the animals of the world are cooking up a conspiracy
to kidnap and hide everyones' guns and other ammunition.  They
are even possibly planning to take over the world!  Future world
leaders- look out!

Future world leader:  "Eek!  Where has my bazooka gone?  How
will I ever blow the heads off my enemies?"
Future world leader's consultant:  "I don't know-
but a herd of zebras just ran through the house"
Future world leader's yes-man: "yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes"
Future world leader:  "SHUT UP!!!"

Anyhow, you get the picture.  So, if I were you, I'd look
in a barn or a forest.

The Wise Sage

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu

Post Cards from Potato Land

The most beautiful day ever came to Potato Land,  and it was the first day
of 1996. While white sales lured customers to the J.C. Penney Store and "Go
You Northwestern" kept the collegiate couch potato happy, some Spudettes
ventured to the great outdoors.

These brave souls walked four miles round trip across a bridge while
marveling at the deep blue skies, the snow white mountains and
turquoise----

OOPS,  NEWS BREAK--Ebbie, the black lab just galloped up the driveway with
a partially eaten deer head.  Looks like deerhead stew for New Year's
dinner.  Around this time of the year, we in Potato Land are so broke,
we'll settle for just about anything to warm our tummies. Tomorrow night we
can have Deerhead Soup along with the last of the rice krispie treats.

Deerheads, Deerheads
Rolly Polly Deerheads
Deerheads, Deerheads
Eat 'em up
Yum Yum

The sky may be blue and the mountains pretty, but when January comes to
Potato Land, us folks work mighty hard to just to keep on livin'.

May your Spuds go with Deerheads in the Stew!
Happy New Year to each and every one of you!

pg

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

Coming soon:  The official Farm Macheenery (exploding) FAQ!
              The official Farm Macheenery (exploding) Dirty Sock!

We are happy to announce that we are sending FME to 73 people, in
countries such as:  Australia, New Zealand, United Kingdom,
The Netherlands, USA, and Canada!  If your country isn't listed here,
please let us know so we can add it to the list.  Whoopee!  We'd love
to send it to even more people, soooo...  force your friends to
subscribe--they'll thank you for it later.  (we hope)

And we are happy to announce another important advance in FME
technology.  The Official Farm Macheenery (exploding) Web Pages
are now up!!!  The URL is http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/
Write it down and put it in your bookmarks!

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

Jam
---

in my sandwich
in my music
in my predicaments
on the freeway at
rush hour
with tea and bread
in between my toes
when i am dead

XX & DP

Why should I
------------

put snapple in my ears?
strip my car's gears?
get high on koolaid dust?
chew on toenail crust?
put staples in my face?
burp along to "amazing grace"
make friends with eyelash mites?
...because...this is becoming...
a...very...lame...poem...

XX & DP & MM-who tried

-------------
Oh, it's that time again, eh?  Darn.  I was hoping this could go on
forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever...

I have sad news to report....

This is the end of Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine for this
week.

See ya next week!
  :):):):):):):):):):):):):)

To subscribe to Farm Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu.  Send all general comments to either
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu or renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu.

The official Farm Macheenery (exploding) Web page, where you can
read back issues, dumb poetry, and other stuff is finally running!
The URL is http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people,
in which case the copyright belongs to the original author.
Feel free to distribute this document far and wide, as long
as it is not changed in any way.

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #12
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper or Melvan
renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Greetings.  I guess (even though it's still December while we're
working on this) that this is the second issue of 1996.  (wow,
ain't we perceptive)

And now...
for all you soap opera addicts out there-
(you know who you are)
we introduce------

(drumroll)

#####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS*
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

The plot:
there is none. Hahaha- just kidding!
Here goes...

scene one:  The bakery.  Raul and Esmerelda are buying breakfast.

Raul:  These day-old liver donuts look good.
Esmerelda:  Sure, why not?  Hey, look over there!

        (Esmerelda spots I.M. Gilty and Buffy in a heated argument)

Buffy:  How dare you suggest that my ant farm is disorganized!
        You ought to be ashamed of yourself!
I.M.:  I didn't do it!
Buffy:  You did and you know it!!
I.M.:  I didn't!  I'm not guilty!

        (Esmerelda interrupts)

Esmerelda:  SHUT UP!!!

        (Howard Stern and Al Rightithen approach the situation.)

Howard:  You @*$@?!! people!  Can't you solve your #@*&$!@$ problems?
Al:  Allllllll righty then!
Raul:  TAXI!!

        (a taxi takes Raul and Esmerelda away)

Al:  Now look what you've done!  You made that cab driver kidnap
        Raul and Esmerelda!
Buffy:  Oh, no!  How could we have been so selfish?  We must find
        them and return them to safety!
Howard:  Yeah, what she said.

Next week:  Buffy and gang try to rescue Raul and Esmerelda from
        the evil taxi driver.

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu with your questions

Apparrently nobody sent the Wise Sage any questions this week.
Guess we'll have to make one up.

Dear Wise Sage,
Where is the bathroom?
John

Dear John,
Down the hall, second door on your left, up the stairs, around
the corner, there it is!
Wise Sage

----------
We are proud to bring you yet ANOTHER new section in FME:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cooking with the FME editors
           -or-
    don't try this at home
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For our first recipe...
Tossed intestinal salad-
endorsed by Mr. Jeffrey Dahmer

Those of you with a weak stomach may not want to read this
recipe.  You have been warned.

You will need- one dead person, lettuce, beans, tomatoes, cheese
pickles, carrots, radishes, garlic, croutons

Optional:  sliced brains

Toss lettuce, beans, tomatoes, and cheese out the window.  Listen
to them go SPLAT on the pavement.  Pick them up and put them in
the bowl.  Add pickles, carrots, radishes, garlic, and croutons.
Toss out the window and put them back in the bowl.  Cook
intestines over high heat until they boil.  Cool down by using
the freezer.  Mix in with the rest of the salad.  Toss, put back,
and eat.  Serves 12.  40 calories per serving.

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu

Postcards from Potato Land

Instead of spuds,  birds went thud this week.

Ebbie the Labrador comes home from being spayed. She immediately jumps
aboard the king size bed to empty her bladder.

An unknown live creature starts scratching within the bowels of the house.
Upon further inspection, the mad scratcher is detected inside the chimney
above the wood stove, which at the time is not in use.

How to get the creature out.

A much too excited Ebbie unwillingly swallows a tranquilizer after leaving
an additional puddle on the bedroom carpet.

Back to the scratcher.
After several open-and-shut motions of the the stove shaft, the
creature--now known as a bird--falls into the stove.
The house door opens, and then, ever so carefully, the stove door.  The
speckled intruder escapes, flies into a living room window head-on and
falls to the floor.  Ebbie pounces and grabs.  Feathers fly.  The bird
escapes, only to go thud on the kitchen window.
Get a towel to capture the critter!  The bird escapes once more to an
inaccessible opening beneath the cupboards.
Oh great--how to get the creature out!

Time passes.
The bird escapes once more, flies to the kitchen window.  Thud.  Undaunted,
it soars to the living room.  Thud, once more.

Ebbie pursues!   Ouch, those stitches must hurt, but a bird in the mouth is....
Within seconds, the bird sits helpless, head dangling,  within black jaws.
The front door opens.
Let fate have its way.
Ebbie's mouth opens.
The bird flies to freedom.
Who says cats have nine lives?

May birds fly into into your potato paradise.
pg

The following unform (freeer-than-freeform) poems were all keyed by the
Inexperienced Avatar, who asks where his gun is.

Party

The neighbours are having a party
And the bass speaker is in my head.
It is four in the morning,
They've been at it for hours
And they only have one album
It goes thudthudthudthudthudthud
thudthudthudthudthudthudthudthud
thudthudthudthudthudthudthudthud
thudthudthudthudthudthudthudthud
thudthudthudthudthudthudthudthud
.....

---------------------------------------

Experiment in Philosophical Brevity #1:

I.
Why?

----------------------------------------

Experiment in Philosophical Brevity #2:

Why?

----------------------------------------

Experiment in Philosophical Brevity #3:

I?

----------------------------------------

Experiment in Philosophical Brevity #4:

?

----------------------------------------

Experiment in Philosophical Brevity #5:

----------------------------------------

Experiment in Philosophical Brevity #6
                       (Party Reprise):

SHUT UP!

                The Inexperienced Avatar

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

For any of you who don't already know...
FME is on the web!!!!
check us out at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/

And also, DP is having a guy come to her house to install new
software, so FME should be coming to you from a new address very
soon.  Stay tuned for more details.

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

Hawaii?
-------

Waving palms...
exotic breezes...
many waves...
more exotic breezes...
wafting across your face...
That's right-
You're at a political convention,
where they were all served
Beans.

XX

Untitled #83
------------

Easily the biggest
Wigwam
I've ever seen.
Tall
Wide
Majestic
Oh--ancient clock o' mine
Ding the hour 13
as if t'were yesteryear
And the Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit issue
did fall out of
the sky
and squash
evil congressmen...

XX & DP

The end.
  :):):):):):):):):):):):):)

To subscribe to Farm Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu.  Send all general comments to either
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu or renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu.

The Official Farm Macheenery (exploding) Web Pages are now online!
Check us out at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/ where you can
read back issues and dumb poetry, among other things.

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people,
in which case the copyright belongs to the original author.
Feel free to distribute this document far and wide, as long
as it is not changed in any way.

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #13
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper or Melvan
renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Howdy, again folks!

The magazine was late this week for a very good reason.  The computer
labs at the college were closed yesterday because of Dr. Martin Luther
King's birthday.  It's one of those "American Holidays".  In case you
haven't heard of him, let me tell you who he was.  Martin Luther King
was an American civil rights activist in the 1960s.  He fought for black
rights (African-American if you prefer).  He is most famous for his "I
Have a Dream" speech.  Of course, we think they should make a "Dave Barry
day" or a "Weird Al" Yankovic day.  They are famous for booger jokes
and polka parodies, respectively.  Of course, I s'pose they'd have to be
dead before they made holidays out of them.  And I am *not* a murderer.
Have a nice day, and remember- Pigs snort.  (but not if they have nose
constipation)

And in case you're wondering, there already is a FME day--August 18, the
day the magazine was created.  (but it was called "Weirdly" at the time)

Here we go again in our excursion into total stupidity...

#####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS*
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on "As the Tractor Burns":

Raul and Esmerelda were in the bakery when the rest of the gang showed
up.  I.M. and Buffy were in a heated debate over ant farms, and when
Raul and Esmerelda got sick of them fighting, they called a taxi to
take them away.  Al (the idiot that he is) concluded that the taxi
driver had kidnapped them, and convinced everybody to rescue them from
the evil taxi driver.  And now, the continuing saga continues, as sagas
usually continue, continuing with the saga of the continuing saga...

	(Al, Buffy, Howard, and I.M. are outside the bakery planning
	how to rescue Raul and Esmerelda from the evil taxi driver's
	clutch)

Al:  We need a plan.
Howard:  Yeah, what he said.
Buffy:  How 'bout this:  we call the taxi company and find out where
that taxi's going.
I.M.:  Sure, but what if they leave the taxi and get a white Ford Bronco
instead?
Howard:  Then we'll just have to call the police and get a highway chase
going.
Al:  And it'll be publicized on national TV!
Buffy:  And then the taxi driver will regret the day he started driving
cab!
Howard:  What's a cab?
I.M.:  It's a baby lion.

	(Meanwhile, in the taxi...)

Raul:  I wish those guys would quit fighting over stupid things.
Esmerelda:  Yeah, I bet they figured that this taxi driver kidnapped us.
Can you believe those guys?
Taxi driver:  Ha ha ha!  I *did* kidnap you!
Raul:  Oh no!  Where are you taking us?
Taxi driver:  To the state fair!  Then I'll put you in the horse barn and
lock it up!  You'll be smelling horse dung for the rest of your lives!
Esmerelda:  Cool.

Join us next time as the gang tries to rescue Raul and Esmerelda from
the evil taxi driver...

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu with your questions

Come on, you guys!  Nobody's sending the Wise Sage letters.

Dear Wise Sage,
Are you getting bored with no one sending you letters?
Mr. Runt

Dear Mr. Runt,
Oooh, ooh--a letter!  Oh, cool!  This is great!  I finally have a
letter to answer!  I'm so happy!  The answer is.......YES!  I'm so
bored I'm knitting my third cousin a new sock!  PLEASE HELP ME!
Wise Sage

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu

Postcards from Potato Land

Regardless of the game's outcome, we in Potato Land want to congratulate
the publishers  of Farm Macheenery (exploding) and all the other folks in
Wisconsin for their Green Bay Packers.

Potato Land folks follow the Packers because one of our Spud High graduates
played for the Pack.  He not only played for the Pack; he threw "the famous
block" when Vince Lombardi was coach and the Packers dominated football.
His name is Jerry Kramer, and we're proud of him.

Speaking of football and Spud High, we'd like to invite folks to come to
our barnyard this February or March for the Spud-in-the-Mud Olympics.  We
don't know the exact date because we hold this great event whenever the mud
and that other stuff that shows up in barnyards gets all churned up and
turns into total slop.  Then,  conditions are just right.

Events include the spud relay, spud tug and a soupy game of spudball. The
final event is held indoors.  It's a spud athon.  Whoever consumes the most
baked red russets complete with skin and trim wins.

We promise a great time had by all.  Will keep you posted.

May your spuds go thud in the mud.
pg

----

The following important announcement comes to you straight from
the pen of XX's dad (aka P. Elrod).

Well I went to Hardee's one day with my friend.  I stopped at the
drive-through and said "Make me two strawberry shakes 'cause
they're messy to make."  Now I saw one girl laugh, and when we
received our shakes we drove away; quickly I noticed that they
were not too red.  I also discovered that the strawberries were
in larger chunks than I expected.  I was even more surprised to
find out that they could be conveniently sucked up the straw.  I
guess that's why we call them strawberries--they maintain most of
their character going through a straw.  (Now actually, it's the
15 PSI air pressure that forces the berries up the straw due to
the lack of air pressure inside of the straw.)
If physics is not your hobby and you want a more serene
experience and prefer to take it easy--remember this poem, and
quote it if need arises.  Also explain to them that physics is
not your hobby, and they need to do their little jobby.

The Strawberry Shake

Make me a strawberry shake
can you take it
Because they're messy to make
oh don't fake it

Now I could really sip 'em
If you really rip 'em
well- just let those berries fly!
Give it a try.

Shake it- quake it.
You can make it!
They hit- the wall
And that's not all!

--------

Culture
~~~~~~~

He wore an Overall
Carelessly

She wore a hat
with abandon

He accepted the money
with a smile

And handed her a hot dog
with relish.

		The Tricky Pork Man
		(Passed along by The Other One)

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

Dr. Pepper needs your help!!

DP and her brother, MM, are trying very hard to get the software installed
and configured correctly on MM's computer.  Somehow, it isn't working.
Here we have all the specs for MM's computer.  If you can help us figure
out what the problem is, please do!

486 DX2-66 with the following:
4 megs RAM
512K video RAM
Windows 3.11 for workgroups
16-bit version of Netscape
Trumpet Winsock version 2.0?
Eudora version 1.4.1
14.4 modem
Shiva PPP dialer

Now, here's what happens:  We dial with the Shiva PPP dialer, and it
connects.  Then we try to load Netscape, and we get a message that says
"Netscape was unable to locate the server.  There may be insufficient
system resources or the server may be down."

With Eudora, we check the mail, and we have the little hourglass, and
it doesn't seem to do anything.  It locks up and we can't even exit
the program without restarting the computer.

Please, if you have any idea at all what's wrong, let us know!  This
is very important for FME.

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

Untitled #87
------------

Bonk!
dead.
Bang!
dead.
Teethless hockey skaters
ripped my teddy bear to shreds.
I weep.

XX

Ink

The disco boots
writhe in pain
on the concrete floor
as the orange pea
commences its oratory
on the high price
of carpet fuzz

DP

Shaking in a Winter Wonderland
------------------------------

Snow falls gently
on the perfect
colonial town
Santa
in his sleigh
hovers
frozen
in the air above
Suddenly-
EARTHQUAKE!
The citizens question
the large hand
on the horizon
as
once again
the crystal snow
globe
endures
perpetual winter

XX

Carbonated Beverage

I know where I'm going
I'm going to the cooler*
I know where I'm going
Better if it's sooner
I know where I'm going
It happens every time
I go back there for something
and then I forget what it was and spend 10 hours trying to figure it out.

DP

*DP works in a Pizza Hut, and this actually happens to her when
she goes to the walk-in cooler to get something.  Maybe it's the
cold air in there that makes her forget?

---------

This is the very end of the magazine for this week.  Until next time,
remember:  Farm Macheenery saves lives.
  :):):):):):):):):):):):):)

To subscribe to Farm Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu.  Send all general comments to either
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu or renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu.

The Official Farm Macheenery (exploding) Web Pages are now online!
Check us out at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/ where you can
read back issues and dumb poetry, among other things.

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people,
in which case the copyright belongs to the original author.
Feel free to distribute this document far and wide, as long
as it is not changed in any way.

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #14
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
melvan@pressenter.com alias DP or Dr. Pepper or Melvan
re11@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

G'day folks!  Hello from the land of ice, snow, mud, and road salt!
How's the weather on your side of the planet.  (or on your planet,
for that matter)  HELP!  My big toe just exploded!  Just kidding-
I just wanted to get your attention.  And now that I (hopefully) have
it.  On with O.L.C.O.W. (our latest collection of wit)...

---------------
DP's Adventure!
---------------

snow, sleet, freezing rain, below zero temperatures...
(farenheit--that'd be below -18 celsius)

Those of you in warm climates can appreciate that you don't have
to deal with this kind of weather.  Those with similar climates
to Wisconsin can sympathize with us.

Wednesday night I was coming home from work.  Driving was fine
until I got to my road, which is notoriously a BAD winter road.
There's a pretty steep hill about half a mile from my house, and
I started up the hill, and I ALMOST got to the top.  Then the
car would not move any more.  The tires were spinning and I was
losing my patience (which doesn't take that long, really).  So I
got out of the car to see if there was anything in the trunk
that I could use to get un-stuck.  I had to hold on to the car
to keep from falling because it was so slippery.  There was a
bag of ice melt stuff in the trunk, and I dumped a bunch of it
in front of all four tires. Then I tried to move again, and it
didn't work.  Then I backed up and tried to start up the hill
again. Couldn't back up too far, because there was someone down
the hill who'd gotten stuck too. So I gave up. I walked the last
half mile home in the rain.  I came home cold and soaked.  The
upside of this is that I didn't have to work on Thursday night
because the weather was too violent to drive anywhere.  

#####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS*
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last time on "As the Tractor Burns":  Buffy and gang came up with
a plan to rescue Raul and Esmerelda from the evil taxi driver, who
Raul and Esmerelda didn't think had kidnapped them, but actually
did kidnap them.

We now continue with our program...

Howard:  So let's get to it!
I.M.:  I'll call the taxi garage.  (dials, phone rings at the taxi garage)
Receptionist:  Bubba's Taxi service.
I.M.:  Hi, I'd like to know where a certain taxi is going.
Receptionist:  Which cab are you looking for?
I.M.:  Um, it's yellow.
Receptionist:  All our cabs are yellow.
I.M.:  Well, how do you expect us normal citizens to tell them
apart if they're all the same color?
Buffy:  Give me that!  (steals the receiver)  Hello, I'd like to
report a kidnapping.
Receptionist:  Oh, my!  You need to call the police.  I'm afraid
I can't help you.
Buffy:  But it's one of your cab drivers that's the kidnapper!
Receptionist:  Sorry, I just answer phones and get coffee.
Buffy:  Well, then, what kind of receptionist are you, anyway?
Receptionist:  I'm a blonde receptionist.
Buffy:  Well, that explains it, doesn't it? (hangs up)
Al:  Well, what did they say?
Buffy:  They can't help us unless we know which cab it is.
Howard:  I guess we better call 911.
I.M.:  Yeah, does anyone know the number for 911?
Al:  We must rescue Raul and Esmerelda from that evil taxi
driver's clutch!
I.M.:  I thought the taxi had an automatic transmission...

Join us next time as the crew searches for the taxi and tries to
find out the phone number for 911...

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions

Aargh!  What's the matter with you people????  The Wise Sage is bursting
with answers to profound questions, but needs to be asked the questions
first!  As a result of not being asked any questions, the Wise Sage has
been forced to generate some dumb questions and equally dumb questions.

Dear Wise Sage,

Can slugs be taught to speak?

from, Jenny Craig

Dear Jenny,

No, but they taste great in omelettes, and they are cheaper than
mushrooms!  Also, if you put them in weight-loss entrees, they will
make the person puke up their stomach.  Voila!  Lose pounds quickly!

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

Why does the alphabet exist?

from, the person formerly known as John Doe

Dear person...

234500092834750 520306757438205487 =1=`013=013=905-034285-28.

Wise Sage

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

Big thanks to Pascal Scheffers from the Netherlands for advice
on DP & MM's computer problems!  We changed some stuff last night,
and it worked!!!

But then today, just as we were getting ready to send this issue
of FME from there, it screwed up again and wouldn't do anything.
MM called the voice line up and asked them what was going on, and
they say it's a problem with Trumpet Winsock.  Now, MM is going to
try to figure out how to fix it.

Question:  To all you guys who use Trumpet, how on earth do you
get it to stay running?  Ours kills itself all the time and we
have to keep reloading it.

But on the way over to the computer labs at the college this
evening, XX came up with a brilliant diagnosis:  MM's computer
is a female and is suffering from PMS.  This also explains why
MM won't keep his hands off it... (just kidding, MM).

Hmmm.... maybe *next* week it'll come from the new address, which
in case you're wondering, is melvan@pressenter.com

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

Lava Lamp
---------

Blurp
Blurp
Pulsating phlegm wads,
dyed fluorescent red
camouflaged as
something in a lamp
blurp.
That's what happens to
the world's
booger supply.
blurp.

XX

Wrong side of the Bed
---------------------

My shoes
are tarantula's homes
I swell as the poison zooms
through my capillaries
I explode
leaving a nasty mess
then I pull
myself
together
and form myself
into a little
ball
to be thrown
at my
siblings.

XX & DP

Billow 3
--------

Billowing clouds of smoke
engulf the horizon
Billowing clouds in the sky
engulf the billowing
clouds of smoke
Billowing trees billow atop
the clouds
and blow up
a mountain
at the hands of
the one...
the hideous pink
lawn ornament
seeks revenge...
but alas,
Zorba's Dance is
a cool song.

DP

-------

And now, before we let you venture back into the "real world", we
at FME proudle present...

THE MUSIC CHARTS FROM THE FOURTH DEMENTION

Top 10 albums                       Top 10 singles
-------------                       --------------
1.  _Violent Violins_               1.  "The Pimple Polka"
various classical artists           the new juveniles in town
2.  _Negatives_                     2.  "Quarter Horse"
Pilfered Photographers              Dime Store
3.  _Bowl of Surprise_              3.  "Frozen"
NotWorkingWhip                      Plastic Storage Bin
4.  _Tent Stories_                  4.  "War Sucks Scissors"
Jake the Ripper                     Harold Green
5.  _Expired_                       5.  "Freeze Me"
Coupons                             Oink
6.  _Toybox_                        6.  "Snort"
Exploding Parachutes                The Boll Weevil Band
7.  _Turnips, Beets, and            7.  "Shut up and Kill Me"
Eyeballs_ -Horace's Hat             Death Wish
8.  _Demented Doorknobs_            8.  "Haunted Zoo"
Cootie and the Starfish             Ded Lepperd
9.  _Leafrot_                       9.  "Sunny Eggplant"
John Hancock                        The Eyeless Eggplants
10.  _Sinus Mazes_                  10.  "My Hooting Heart"
The Boll Weevil Band                John Hancock
  :):):):):):):):):):):):):)

FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people, in
which case the copyright belongs to the original author. Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide (especially wide)
as long as it is not changed in any way.  To subscribe to Farm
Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email melvan@pressenter.com or
re11@uwrf.edu.  Send all general comments to either
melvan@pressenter.com or re11@uwrf.edu.

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #15
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka XX or Xavier Xerxes):  re11@uwrf.edu
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka DP or Dr. Pepper):  melvan@pressenter.com

Extra staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka MM or Marvin the Magnificent)
--DP's brother & computer expert
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Friends, aliens, countrypeople, lend me your spleens...  We hope y'all
know by now that DP is at a new email address-- it's listed in the section
above.  Please don't send anything to her old address, okey-dokey?  Unless
you want it to be permanently, hopelessly lost in cyberspace....

And now for a new FME column-- it won't be a weekly column, but that
doesn't make it lose any of its columness, does it??

We here at FME present to you...

OH SNOP!!!!
...a journey into life's
little annoyances...

(for those of you who don't know, "Snop" is the official "bad word" of
FME)

DP's complaint:  MM's mouse (computer, not living, echoed by MM).  The
mouse is very stubborn and doesn't want to go where you want it to go when
you want it to go there.  It needs a good slap upside the head, only we
don't know where its head is.  I guess it doesn't help any that it's had
numerous unidentified liquids spilled on it....

AS THE TRACTOR BURNS

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB...

I.M. & Buffy talk to a blonde receptionist at the taxi garage who can't
tell them anything about where Raul & Esmerelda are, but suggests that
they call the police.  We last left them trying to figure out the phone
number for 911...

Meanwhile, in the taxi...

Raul:  Are you really sure you want to take us to that filthy
horse barn?
Driver:  (picks his nose, looking furtively around, hoping no
one notices) Well, I guess I could let you out where you want to go.
Raul:  Did you torture small animals as a child?
Driver:  I'll pretend I didn't hear that!
Esmerelda:  I was kinda looking forward to the smell of horse
dung...
Driver:  Okay, I'll take you wherever you want to go.
Raul:  Great.  Let's go home.

Back at the bakery...

Al:  (screaming in the street)  HEY!!! DOES ANYONE KNOW THE
NUMBER FOR 911???
Buffy:  Oh, boy.  Al, shut up!  The number for 911 is 911.  I
guess those years I spent in college *did* pay off!
Howard:  I'll call 911.  What's the number again?
Buffy:  (smacks Howard with her purse)  911, you idiot!
Howard:  Oh.  Right. (dials)
911 Operator:  Hello, national psychic hotline!  (laughing
maniacally)  Hahahaha!  Just kidding!  This is my last day on the
job and I've always wanted to say that.
Howard:  You @*!?$!&% 911 operator!  We have an emergency!  Our
friends have been kidnapped!
911 Operator:  Sheesh!  Have a cow!  Fine, I'll help you.

Join us next time as the off-her-medication 911 operator helps the gang
find their friends, who have been returned to their homes.

We here at FME proudly present...

Pick Your Phobia!

fifty-fiveaphobia:  the irrational fear of being stuck driving behind
someone who's going *exactly* 55 mph on the highway, and not being able to
pass that person, due to a steady stream of cars going the opposite
direction

*55 mph is about 85 kilometers per hour.

Commentary by XX:  Gee, thanks for that bit of trivia, DP!

Response by DP:  yeah, well, the rest of the world uses metric.

Response to that response:  They all sniff too much koolaid dust.

NOTE:  DP apologizes to everyone in other countries who use the metric
system who may be offended by XX's comments.  However, XX did comment that
she likes the colorful fire hydrants in Ontario, Canada.

Quadrophobia:  The fear of the number 4.

Phobiaphobiaphobia:  The fear of being afraid of being afraid of phobias

Wise Sage

**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night,
  wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions

Dear Wise Sage,

Um.. why am I in California?  I didn't used to be here.. help me
understand these strange things happening in my life!

-- Sean

Sean,

Hmmmm... you are quite possibly suffering from State Awareness Disorder
(S.A.D.) wherein you suddenly realize you are located in a state that you
weren't previously in.  (Ack!  I ended my sentence with a preposition...
so sue me.)  People all over the United States are suffering from S.A.D.,
realizing that they are living in a new state, and feeling *quite*
disoriented.  For example, Mr. Nonexistential all of a sudden realized he
was living in Iowa, and promptly went insane.  (okay, that was a very rude
slam on Iowa... we here in Wisconsin are real good at doing that sort of
thing...)  One thing all S.A.D. sufferers have in common is the state of
confusion.  This is a temporary condition in most cases, and eating large
amounts of grape taffy seems to help.

Wise Sage

What is Spam really made of?

Mike Betzel

Mike,

Do you ever wonder what happens to roadkill?

Wise Sage

The Section Where Other People Write

**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this
  section, email melvan@pressenter.com

Postcards from Potato Land

Everyone is undoubtedly in a bad mood because they didn't get to read
"Postcards" last week.  Smile.  It's back.

Potato Land is white with snow these days.  No more dog doodoos.  No more
deer hides on the door step.

Ebbie, the Labrador, has survived two January spaying specials.  The first
time she ripped her stitches two days after coming home.  So she went back
to the doctor.  He sewed her up. The doctor bill was three times higher
than the original special.  She wore a plant pot on her head for 10 days
and scared off horses, thieves and people.  The incision healed.  Rambo
and Baby Horse broke through the barnyard gate on a quiet Friday afternoon
and pranced up and down Great Northern Road.  Neighbors chased them home
and chastised their owners who were absent that day.  Malcolm, the
exploding cat, had an accidental explosion near the window sill last week.
Yuck.

The used car lot at the end of the drifted driveway means lugging chips
and dip in three feet of snow through a blinding blizzard.  Lots of
television.  No way to escape the Super Bowl.  We in Potato Land still
want the Packers to win.

Happy Week!!!

May your drifts go shift in the mist.  Or something like that.
pg

The following poem was written by Ben Ohmart (I hope I spelled it right).

The Wet Land

i was watering my grass
when all of a finally
it started to rain
so i had to go get a sweater

URGENT FME NEWS!!!

The new address is up and running, and the old one is no longer being
used.  Please send all mail for Dr. Pepper to melvan@pressenter.com

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

Chicken
-------

A poem
about
a chicken.

DP (inspired by XX & her uncle Ted)
  :):):):):):):):):):):):):)

FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/fme.htm

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer,
except for the material submitted by other people, in which case the
copyright belongs to the original author. Feel free to distribute this
document far and wide (especially wide)  as long as it is not changed in
any way.  To subscribe to Farm Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email
melvan@pressenter.com or re11@uwrf.edu.  Send all general comments to
either melvan@pressenter.com or re11@uwrf.edu.

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #16
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers:
Renee Elrod (aka XX or Xavier Xerxes):  re11@uwrf.edu
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka DP or Dr. Pepper):  melvan@pressenter.com

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka MM or Marvin the Magnificent)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Today, a special, cheery, FME welcome goes out to all our new subscribers.
We found 30 new subscriptions in our mailboxes this week!  Which brings
our grand total to... 111 people!!!  And a  hearty "Thank you" goes
out to all those questioning minds out there who wrote the Wise Sage
questions in the past couple of weeks.  She no longer needs to knit
socks to squelch her boredom:-)

Vocabulary word of the week:  Eruct.  It means "to belch".  Go
ahead--look it up.  We dare ya.

Please answer the following one-question quiz
before continuing.

One-question Quiz
-----------------

2.  Are  you a human being?
A.  Yes
B.  No
C.  Both A and B
D.  Neither A nor B
E.  All of the above
F.  None of the above

How to interpret the results:  if you answered a, b, c, d, e, or f,
you should continue on to read the rest of this magazine.

----------
The following is stoopid.  It is in fact so stoopid that
we don't think you should read it.  But read it anyway.

#####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS*
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, the taxi driver which has kidnapped
Raul and Esmeralda decides to return them to their homes.
Meanwhile, the rest of the gang has contacted 911. (and gotten
a wacko operator on the line).

Outside the bakery...

Howard:  I think we should take that *#!* 911 operator,
and tie her !?*# toenails to a #@! rabid dog!!
Buffy:  Violence is not the way to solve problems, Howard.
Al:  I don't know why not.  What about football?
I.M.:  Do football players use the metric system?
Buffy:  What does that have to do with anything?
I.M.:  I don't know.
Al:  Does it have to relate to anything?  I mean, this is just a
stupid internet magazine soap opera anyway.

Buffy:  Where'd he come from?
Al:  Who cares?  Let's find Raul and Esmerelda.
Howard:  Yeah- what he said.
Buffy:  You *always* say that!
Howard:  Yeah- what she said.

In the taxi...

Taxi driver:  So where do you live anyway?
Raul:  There.  (points to a phone booth)
Taxi driver:  What, are you Superman or something?
Raul:  Hey!  Don't tell anyone!
Esmerelda:  You're Superman?  How come you never told me?
Raul:  Shh!  I don't want everyone to know!
Esmerelda:  (yelling out the window)  Hey, this is Superman!!
Raul:  Hey, didn't these writers say last week that we were already
home?
Esmerelda:  Yeah, but they've been sniffing a lot of Kool-aid dust
lately.

Join us next time when something happens.

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions

Dear Wise Sage:

        What is a mojo and how do I get it to work?

unsigned:       No Help from Dictionaries

To No Help...,

A mojo is an obscure relative of the weed whacker, often used as a murder
weapon.  As for getting it to work... plugging it in might help!

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

Why do you think you can't end a sentence with a preposition?  Don't you
realize that you're blindly following unfounded and outdated rules of
grammar that oughtn't to be followed?

Concerned pedant

Dear Concerned pedant,

Yes, grammar rules are made to be broken...
the *real* question is- who fixes the broken rules??

Wise Sage

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com

There is a book that both XX and I (DP) have read and thought
very funny.  It is called _Pocket Girdles and Other Confessions
of a Northwest Farmgirl_ written by Marianne Love, who also
writes "Postcards from Potato Land" every week (and recruits
more subscribers for FME than anyone else).  We think you would
like this book, too.  If you'd like to order this book, send
email to mlove@digital-cafe.com for more information.

Postcards from Potato Land

We will not try to outcold anyone this week because we know
that's impossible.  We did have ice on the horse trough though.
We knew it was definitely cold Thursday because it was a
two-bucket day for thawing the hydrant.  Rambo and Baby Horse
had sparkly silver beards and  tiny icicles hanging from their
fetlocks.

Folks here were mainly couch potatoes and mouse potatoes
throughout the week.  Mountains were snow white during the day
and hot pink at sunset. The sky was deep blue.   Ebbie the
Labrador made quick trips outside to do her duty.  And even the
cats made crunchy sounds while slinking through the bushes.

The cold caused sadness in Potato Land Saturday when two natives
thought the ice on beautiful Lake Pend Oreille (pronounced
Ponderay) was thick enough for their Thunderbird.  The car wound
its way across a bay once during the early morning hours,  but
the second time was not so good.  We were driving by on a
picture taking outing and saw lots of  hugs and the tears of
disbelief where divers had pulled them from their death chamber
47 feet beneath the surface.

It is beautiful in Potato Land, but sometimes the beauty can be dangerous.

To all our friends, be careful.  Ice is not always nice.

pg

The following poem was written by
Ben Ohmart...

Apology Neglected

2 postmen said they were sorry
they went home and their wives said
"what was the first line of this poem all about?"
and they answered it was art,
go back to bed

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

Hahahahaha!!!  There is no news this week!  Except that MM is
planning to install Linux on the computer sometime in the very
near future and that DP's account may be temporarily inactive
until we get it all sorted out again.  Just when you think you've
got it all together....

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

Ice Cream Cone meets Gravity
----------------------------

SPLAT!

XX

Sadness
-------

I cry
I weep
I tear out my hair
I cut myself with knives
I scream
I hurl my telephone against the wall
As I am forced to watch
Lawyer commercials 24 hours a day.

XX

----

Well, the sixteenth issue has been a blast, but now it's time to
let all you very important people go do much more important
things.  Like homework, or work, or blowing up farm macheens.
Bye now!
  :):):):):):):):):):):):):)

FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people, in
which case the copyright belongs to the original author. Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide (especially wide)
as long as it is not changed in any way.  To subscribe to Farm
Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email melvan@pressenter.com or
re11@uwrf.edu.  Send all general comments to either
melvan@pressenter.com or re11@uwrf.edu.

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #17
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers:
Renee Elrod (aka XX or Xavier Xerxes):  re11@uwrf.edu
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka DP or Dr. Pepper):  melvan@pressenter.com

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka MM or Marvin the Magnificent)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web...

http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hello folks!  This intro is two words long.  This intro
is two words long...

DP issues a challenge!  To all you intellegent people out there
who have enormously large funnybones, I'd like to see your
parodies of a certain song that I can't stand....  See "As the
Tractor Burns" for more info.  If you recognize the song, and can
think of something funny, send it to me!  We'll print the best
entries as soon as we receive them.

-------
We here at FME have decided to invent our own scientific
principles.  Why?  Because.  Have you ever looked through a
science textbook, and noticed the totally obvious scientific
principles people are famous for?  Have you ever thought "I could
come up with this and get famous"?  Well, here's our stab at
it...

FmE    S c ie nti F iC PrI  nc Ipl es

1)  The rabbit principle:  What goes in, must come out.
    (rabbit pellets of one type=rabbit pellets of another type,
    at an alarmingly fast rate)
    Sub-principle:  One plus one equals many.

2)  The Cheeto principle:  If you drop a Cheeto, it'll fall.

3)  Headbanging principle:  It hurts the day after.

4)  The "no spine" principle:  a pile of moosh.

5)  The "no breakfast" principle:  imploded stomach.

6)  The optimist principle:  All things are possible...except
    skiing through a revolving door.

7)  The pessimist principle:  optimists will die trying to ski
    through revolving doors.
   The 1981 principle:  If you have a car from the year 1981,
    the blinker light will break, causing other drivers to think
    you are stoopid when your left blinker stays on for 20 miles.

9)  The winter energy principle:  if it is winter, your hair will
    stand on end, and you will be buzzed by doorknobs, water
    fountains, and anything containing one molecule of metal.

10) The Internet principle:  It's cool.

11) The internal principle:  Your brain works best inside your
    head.

We hope you've gained some insight into the world from our
informative scientific principles.  If not, go buy a bag of
cheetos and drop them until you understand!!  Har.

#####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS*
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last time on ATTB, we discovered the astounding news that Raul
is in fact Superman!!  But don't tell anyone, okay?  The rest of
the characters really didn't do much of anything, except discuss
the merits of football and the metric system.  Oh... and they
were visited by the Energizer bunny!!

In the taxi, Raul has just morphed into Ross Perot...

Raul: ... and so you see, people, that ya can't put the frosting
before the cake.
Taxi driver:  Hey!  Wait a dad-blasted minute!  I thought you
were Superman!!
Esmeralda:  He *must* have used the metric system at some
point in his life-- that's the only explanation I can think of.
Taxi driver:  Mmm-hmm...

The guys outside the bakery have moved their party to a
taxi and are on their way to find Raul & Esmerelda's taxi, which,
at this point, has dropped them off at their homes already.

I.M.:  Where are we going?  I forgot.
Buffy:  Are you always this stupid?
I.M.:  No, only when I'm with you.  I.M. is in love with Buffy,
only she doesn't know it.
Buffy:  You weren't supposed to read that part of the line!  Now
I know!
I.M.:  Sorry.
Al:  Well paint me green and call me Gumby!  Oooops, wrong line-
I mean Alllllllrightithen.
Buffy:  Well paint me green and call me Gumby!
Howard:   Another one bites
the dust!   Well, there went
my last brain cell...

    (a currently popular song comes on the radio)***
    (hint:  this is the clue)

Al:  Oooh!  I love this song!  "'Cause I've got one hand in my
pocket, and the other one's blowing up a tractor."
Buffy:  That's not the real line.
Al:  I don't care.  Sounds better than "the other one's hailing a
taxi cab."  We're already in a taxi, remember?
I.M.:  Yeah--what he said.
Howard:  Hey, that's my line.
Al:  SHUT UP!  You don't have any brain cells left, remember?
Howard:  No.

Join us next time when absolutely nothing happens (as if you'd
notice).

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions

Dear Wise Sage:

Why do women so frequently need handbags to carry all their stuff
in while men can usually get by with just a wallet?

unsigned:
        The Other One.

To The Other One,

Can you picture a guy carrying a purse around?  Me neither.  Also, females
need the extra space for lipstick, lipstick and lipstick.

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage:
Why are people so redundant? Why do they repeat themsellves,saying the same
things over and over? Like, f'rinstance, calling
themselves Wise Sage?

-- Mangrove Moose

Dear Mangrove Moose,

Because two are better than one, unless you're referring to politicians or
lawyers.  (And also, 'cause we're stoopid)

Wise Wise Sage Sage

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com

Another poem by Ben Ohmart...

Anything But Shopping Will Do (interactive)

i was sitting behind a super computer
mine
shopping through cyberspace
and there was the .jpg of a sweater
i thought would be perfect for
(insert name you care about here)
so i emailed in my order
and in 7 to 10 working days
i got
(insert something silly, or else there's no point)

And now a message from DP...

Well, I know I'm not "other people", but my alter ego (aka my
inner child) decided it was her turn to write something for fme.
This is actually a poem I wrote for my brother (MM) on his birthday
this past week.  Hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I
enjoyed writing it.

A BIRTHDAY MESSAGE FOR MY IDIOT BROTHER

Roses are red
Violent blue*
Hope that you
Explode soon

Oh, never mind
Didn't mean that
I's just kiddin'
You little rat

Show your friends
F.M.E.
Or I'll blow you
Into next week

"This doesn't rhyme"
"Yes it does!"
Well, take this thing
'Cuz I couldn't get "Buzz".**

Just want you to know
You're un-groovay***
But what do I know?
Happy Birthday

NO PEANUTS FROM THE COMMENT GALLERY ARE NECESSARY...

er, whatever.

*"Violent Blue" is a cool song done by a band called Chagall
Guevara.  If you haven't heard of them, I'm not surprised.  They
only made one album about five years ago, but it's a *very* good
one and if you ever do get a chance to buy that album somewhere,
BUY IT!!!  It may be the only chance you'll get to get it.

**"Buzz" is the title of an album that MM wants.  I was gonna
get that for him, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

***"Groovy" is the ultimate compliment (according to MM).
"Groovay" is a step above that.  Being groovay is sorta like
being pregnant:  either you are, or you aren't.

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

I have an urgent message for JJO and JAH:
"Are you a chicken fajita?"

--From XX

I have an urgent message for XX:

"Go eat chocolate."

--From DP

I have an urgent message for all FME subscribers:
"I hope you are having a good week
forceyourfriendstosubscribetofme I
hope your family and friends are doing well
forceyourfriendstosubscribetofme Do you believe in subliminal
messages?  forceyourfriendstosubscribetofme  Me neither.

--From XX

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

We here at FME have decided to conduct an experiment in
poem-writing.  XX and DP will write every other line of the poem,
without knowing what the other one just wrote. (unless they
accidentaly backspace, of course- which I (XX) did once, and
prematurely discovered that the bagpipe didn't say no) The only
line it doesn't apply to is the last one.  We hope it makes
no sense to you at all, 'cause if it does, you should get your
medication changed.

This poem has no title, but it's called Experiment#1
----------------------------------------------------

spiderwebs cover the old tractor in the barn
and then there was a loud BANG!!!
alas, I am mired hopelessly in the quagmire
upon investegation, it was discovered that
I store pop cans in old Pringles cans.
and the bagpipe didn't say no
KABLOOEY!!!!!!
oink.
Finally, I blow my computer to bits...
Whatever it is, goodbye.

This poem has no title, but it's called Experiment#2
----------------------------------------------------

I got a letter with a window
I shake my pop bottle, and it explodes upon opening
and fresh bananas
I squeal in pain as
wonderful pink flowers embroidered on it
the man in the white coat smiles...
I made some cornbread for you
I laugh.

--don't you just HATE it when you start typing
with your hands in the wrong position?  The following
is such a poem, with translation included.
o jp[r upi rmkpu oy/ (i hope you enjoy it)

Yjod [pr, jsd mp yoy;r/ )niy oyd vs;;rf yrj NHY [pr,z-
This poem has no title. (but it's called the BGT poem)
------------------------------------------------------

Yjr dimdry gsfrd pm yjr fodysmy djptr
The sunset fades on the distant shore

Yjr sndytsvy frdohmd. to[[;omh. sd og imfrvofrf///
The abstract designs, rippling, as if undecided...

Upi vp,r yp ,u ,omf sd upi esbr upit noh htrrm yjomh
You come to my mind as you wave your big green thing

-----

AAAAAAARRGH!!!!  It's time to go again!!!  Don't you just hate
when that happens?  I do.  But if we put everything cool in this
issue, we'd have nothing left for any more issues.  Time to go.
Bye-bye.
  :):):):):):):):):):):):):)

FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people, in
which case the copyright belongs to the original author. Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide (especially wide)
as long as it is not changed in any way.  To subscribe to Farm
Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email melvan@pressenter.com or
re11@uwrf.edu.  Send all general comments to either
melvan@pressenter.com or re11@uwrf.edu.

                           ^^^^^
Fij/  Yjr rmf esd esu nsvl yjrtr/  Eju str upi trsfomh yjod (shift
button)
Duh.  The end was way back there.  Why are you reading this?

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #18
d               u   M   b       !
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka Xavier Xerxes or XX): re11@uwrf.edu
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka Dr. Pepper or DP): melvan@pressenter.com

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Attention, personnel, I have just lost my last marble."
--quote from Cory, one of DP's co-workers (at Pizza Hut) on a
particularly busy night last week

"Hey!  I just realized that 'park' backwards is 'krap'!"
--quote from XX on the way back from a concert Saturday night

  getting to know you, getting to know all about you!!

(how tacky...)

And now we introduce this week's special column...

Getting To Know The Fme Writers.

Thing              DP                       XX
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Fave Movie         UHF                      Monty Python & the
                                            Holy Grail

Fave Music         Steve Taylor, PFR        Steve Taylor,
                   Rich Mullins, "Weird     Vivaldi's "The Four
                   Al" Yankovic             Seasons"

Food               Chocolate                Taffy, Tomato soup

Beverage           Dr. Pepper (of course),  Coffee (all types),
                   Hot Chocolate            Pop (aka soda, cola,
                                            coke)--all types

TV Shows           Chicago Hope, ER,        The Price is Right
                   CCM-TV                   (seriously!), Home
                                            Improvement

Hobbies            Listening to music,      Video games, music,
                   surfing the net,         reading, computer
                   computer stuff           stuff

Animals            Cats                     Horses, cats

Pet Peeves         Driving behind slow      Her car problems,
                   people, installing       Winter static
                   software                 electricity problems

Unfavorite food    anchovies                Cooked spinach

Letter             E                        5

Newsgroups         alt.stupidity,           alt.stupidity,
                   rec.music.christian      rec.music.christian

Misc. Info         She's sort of an         She's a psychology
                   artist (sometimes),      major, who plans to
                   she has an alphabet-     get her master's
                   izing fetish and alpha-  degree in Christian
                   betized XX's cds once.   counselling--and she
                   She is sorta             hasn't eaten Spam in
                   disappointed that there  a long time.
                   isn't a newsgroup for
                   duct tape.
                   alt.duct-tape, anyone?

We (meanin' XX and DP, of course) done knowed each other
when we was little babies in the ol'
church nursery, and done got zanier since then.

An' fer yer in-fer-may-shin, our birthdays are only 27 daze
apart.  Scary, ain't it?  Our moms sniffed kool-aid dust when
they were pregnant with us.

#####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS*

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

For those of you who are fairly new subscribers, we strongly
suggest you go back and read the previous storylines (available
on the FME web page) for this ridiculous-fake-soap-opera-storyline,
as it will make more sense that way...well, maybe not.

Last week on ATTB, Buffy discovers that I.M. is in love with her,
and Howard loses his last brain cell.  Everyone was mixed up on
their lines and saying the wrong thing.  We apologize for this
inconvenience.

At Raul's house (aka the phone booth)...

Esmerelda:  You do a great job with that Ross Perot imitation!  I
almost thought you really *were* Ross Perot for a minute!
Raul:  Yeah, those morphing classes paid off.
Esmerelda:  That taxi driver is insane!  I think we should call
the taxi company and report him.
Raul:  I agree.

While they're calling the cab company, the rest of the idiots--I
mean characters--are in a taxi trying to find the taxi that
kidnapped Raul & Esmerelda...

I.M.:  (reciting "love" poetry to Buffy...)  Your teeth are like
the stars...they come out at night...your eyes are like
pools...cespools...
Buffy:  (rolling her eyes)  If you expect to win my heart this
way, you are sorely mistaken!
I.M.:  (rolling Buffy's eyes back to her)  Your skin shines like
the sun...
Buffy:  I'm going to throw up...
Al:  Me too.
Howard:  Yeah, what he said.
Garth (of Wayne's World):  If yer gonna spew,
spew in this-- (holds out a dixie cup)
Al:  You're in the wrong movie, pal.
Mary Poppins:   Just a spoonful of sugar helps the
medicine go down, the medicine go down...
Howard:  SHUT UP!!
Buffy:  Hey!  There's the taxi!

I.M.:  Hey, cool effects!
Buffy: I *SAID* I just saw the taxi, you buffoons!

After a moment of silence...
Buffy:  ...okay, who forgot to pay the electricity bill??

****Join us next week for another delightfully unpredictable
version of
"As...The...Tractor...Burns!!!"

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions

Dear Wise Sage:

Perhaps Tina Turner might be better at answering this one:

What is a "toot-toot" and who should I contact if I find mine has been
messed with?

The Other One.

To The Other One,

"toot-toot" is simply a kind way of referring to flatulence.  If yours has
been messed with, I suggest you contact your local natural gas company, or
the National Board for Flatulence Problems.  Call 1-900-TOXIGAS for more
information.

Wise Sage

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com

Postcards from Potato Land:  A Love Story

Valentine's Day is important to us in Potato Land.  It's a time to reflect
on Love.

We love the mountains that reach to the sky.
We love the big trees that show how the years pass by.
We love to marvel at Potato Land sunsets
We love the the vapor trails of faraway jets.
We love the chickadees who fly in for seed.
We love the kitty cats when they beg for their feed.
We love the black lab when she folds her paws on the couch.
We love the horses who in one minute gallop,and the very next,  simply slouch.
We love the blue sky and the sun shining bright
We love the crows when they caw with delight.
In the spring we love the visiting honkers
And we also love the mallards when, seeing approach, they just go bonkers!!
We love potatoes, tubulars and spuds.
And we love the cows when they chew on their cuds.
We love the beauty of Potato Land for sure,
And we hope of all of you sometime submit to its lure.
We love each other--Bill, Willie, Marianne and dear Annie
We love our dance contests and the fun of being the Love family.
And last but not least, it's certainly worth connoting
that we love all our friends and readers of Farm Macheenery (exploding).

Happy Valentine's Day
from the Potato Land Loves

May you love like a dove from way up above.
pg

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

nothing of any particular interest happened in the way of news
this week, but XX has had extreme problems with her email disks
lately, and they have blown up in her face.  So she lost some
Wise Sage questions.  If you think yours may have been lost
(there was one regarding monster trucks, one about toe stubbing,
and one discussing "spuds"), please resend them to re11@uwrf.edu

Also....how many of you are interested in having an fme
convention on irc?  Let us know if you are!

One more thing.  MM (aka DP's brother) and some of his friends
are planning to create a Farm Macheenery (exploding) computer
game.  If you have any creative input into this venture, let us
know.

And one last thing...The FME web pages are going to be undergoing
a major overhaul in the next few days, so if you go there and
things make even less sense than usual, don't panic.

And one more last thing...
Har.

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

The Next Identity Crisis
------------------------

I am
A
Bad word.

DP

Misunderstandings
-----------------

White blood cells
Elvis the cat box
Three women cooking in the dark
AND fresh bananas.

DP, with help from Zimpwobble (aka XX's bro)

Tiredness
---------

yawn.
Yawnn.
YAwwnnn...
YAWN!!!
zzzzzzzzz

XX

  :):):):):):):):):):):):):)

FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by
other people.  Feel free to distribute this document far and
wide as long as it is not changed in any way.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation,
spelling, content, AND bacon).

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #19
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka Xavier Xerxes or XX): re11@uwrf.edu
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka Dr. Pepper or DP): melvan@pressenter.com

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hello.  I'm Bill the Cat, and I'll be your intro this evening.
First, for your reading pleasure, we introduce an email
conversation between DP & XX, the illustrious writers of this
fine publication.

DP:  If you're going crazy, how long does it take to get there?

XX:  First take your i.q., multiply it by 2--divide by your height in
inches, and *that's* how long it takes to get there!

DP:  Minutes or hours?  Or days or months or weeks or years or seconds or
decades or centuries?

XX:  Ounces.

DP:  What would that be in metric?

XX: Standard Weevil Units (S.W.U.)

DP:  So for me, that would be... 4.3333333333333 standard weevil units.

XX:  And now, I have a question for you...  if someone is driving you
crazy, are they considered a chauffer?

DP:  Sure, but which side of the road do they drive on?

XX:  The up side.

DP:  What if your life has been turned upside-down?  Do you drive on the
bottom side then?

XX:  No, the wrong side.

DP:  I see.  (said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw)

XX:  You forgot about the deaf wife!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Oh Snop
   -or-
a journey into
life's little
annoyances

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**"snop" is the official "bad word" of
fme

Today, XX will complain about her pain-in-the-butt car!

*blink*,*blink*,*blink*,*blink*
"Confound that stupid turn signal!!"
Yes, that's right.  As I was driving home one night, the turn
signal switch BROKE!  *blink*,*blink*,*blink*
...which meant I had to drive for MILES with the signal light
blinkin'!  Aargh!  Here I am thinking that everyone behind me was
thinkin' "What an eediot!  She won't turn her signal light off!"

And then, of course, there was the time my car went thru that
whole stalling phase.  (*wailing in agony* "please, please let the
light be green, or my car's gonna stall!!") ...but that's an
entirely different story...

#####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS*
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, all of the characters died due to their
spleens exploding.  Hahahahaha!  Just kidding.  Actually, I don't
remember what happened.

Scene:  Beautiful sunny beach.  There are beautiful palm
trees swaying in the breeze.

Baywatch babe:  Oh no!  Look!  There is someone drowning in the
bay!

Baywatch dude: Hey!  Like put her down right now!!
Howard:  Hey, how did we get here?
Buffy:  I don't know.  I'm just glad I.M. isn't here.  He's so
annoying.
Howard:  Where's Al?

I.M.:  Hey, who's the monkey?
Buffy:  What monkey?
Howard:  I don't see a monkey.
Al:  Huh?
I.M.:  I swear, I see a monkey!
Buffy:  I don't care!! Kiss me, you fool!  *grabs I.M. and kisses
him*
I.M.:  Mmmmmf!

Meanwhile, Raul and Esmerelda are in the phone booth, calling the
taxi service...

*all of a sudden, the Blues Brothers drive up and jump in the
phone booth.  A lady blowtorches the phonebooth, and it shoots up
into the air*

Director:  Cut, cut!  That scene was all wrong!!  Let's see it
again!

*all of a sudden, the Blues Brothers drive up and jump in the
phone booth.  A lady blowtorches the phonebooth, and it shoots up
into the air*

Director:  CUT!!  That wasn't quite right, let's try it one more
time...

*all of a sudden, the Blues Brothers drive up and jump in the
phone booth.  A lady blowtorches the phonebooth, and it shoots up
into the air FORCEFULLY*

Director:  YES!  That was perfect!  Let's break for lunch.

Join us next week on "As the Tractor Burns"!!!  You never know
who's going to show up next...

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions

Dear Wise Sage,

  I was intending to contact the "Wise Sage" and ask how I can tell if my
buttermilk has gone sour.Hmm?

edsel of amery

Dear edsel of amery,

Ask yourself this question:
"Does my buttermilk have chunks in it?"

If you answer "yes" to this question, it's quite likely your buttermilk's
gone sour.

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage:

Why do I feel compelled to watch Monster Truckin' on television?
Can this be explained scientifically?

Mud Flap Maniac

Dear Mud Flap Maniac,

Your brain is filled with chemicals.  When any one particular chemical gets
out of whack, your behavior is affected.  For example, there is one chemical
in particular called flapamine that has been linked to obssessions with
Monster Truckin'.  When too much of this chemical is produced in your brain,
you will feel an uncontrollable compulsion to watch this on television--
thus causing the excess chemical to evaporate out your ears.

Wise Sage

dear wise sage,

tell me about rogaine? what the heck is this stuff? jock itch powder?
what don't they ever SAY WHAT IT IS???

your man with very long hair,
ben

Dear ben,

Rogaine is really another name for Spam.  The reason they never tell you
what Rogaine *really* is on those strange tv commercials is they are trying
to get rid of the world's excess Spam.  If you call the 1-800 number they
flash up on the screen, they will send you a lifetime supply of Spam.  If
you rub the Spam on your head, it will kill all your hair.

Wise Sage

-----

DP has just finished work on her biography, titled "I'm 20 years
old and have never eaten Spaghetti O's".  We are proud to include
an excerpt for your reading enjoyment.

I was born a long time ago (not really).  I live on Earth
(that's debatable).  I have eaten Spam.  I have eaten Macaroni &
Cheese.  I have eaten hot dogs.  I have eaten Alphabet Soup.  I
used to drink my parents' cold coffee when I was VERY young.
But I have never eaten Spaghetti O's.  I was a deprived child.
I will need therapy for the rest of my life on account of my
never having eaten Spaghetti O's.  When XX discovered that I
have never eaten Spaghetti O's, she nearly fell off the couch
she was sitting on.  She then forcefully dragged me into her
kitchen and spoon-fed me a Spaghetti O's-like substance, which
actually wasn't Spaghetti O's, but sorta close to it, so she
made me eat it and I promptly threw up.  Not really.  Actually,
no part of this story is true (except for all of it).  Every
time I look in the mirror, I'm looking at the depressed face of
a person who has never eaten Spaghetti O's.  I will recover,
really, I will.  Not really.

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com

Postcards from Potato Land

Potato Land will not let go of winter.  We would gladly to let go of winter
because we'd like to see the pussy willows and the ducks instead of the
driveway drifts.

During the early spring, the wetlands splash and ripple as dozens of noisy
Mallards and honkers take off and land.  Cars stop by. People gaze. But not
too many folks get the whole show.  Every year at least one Mother Duck
takes her string of young 'uns for daily field trips across the road to
another pond near the railroad bed. It's fun to think about ducks and geese
and much too early to get excited about the Kildeer
screech--!--screech!--screech!

But it's not to early for the French invade Potato Land.  Pierre, Aurore,
Aude, Elodie and their friends from Caen will go to Spud High until March
12.  They will bowl and ski and watch the great Spud High grapplers fight
toward another state championship.  And, of course, they'll eat Spud High
French fries.

February ends,  and anticipation of the wonders of spring begin.  Soon
we'll be heading to the Co-Op for a bag full of tubulars and Walla Walla
onion sprouts.

May your spuds go thuds in the mud.
pg

Here's a luvlee poem from Marvin, the staff fme computer expert,
and talented belcher.

Yet Another Identity Crisis
---------------------------

I
snop.
Am
snop!
An
snop?
Identity
snop:
Crisis

MM

**note for the uninformed:  "snop" is the official bad word of
fme.

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

Regarding an FME convention on IRC...

We think it would be extremely "groovy" to have a permanent FME
channel on an irc server.  To do this, we need a bot.  We have
absolutely no clue how to get or use a bot once we have it.  So
we're leaving that up to you.  If you have (or can get) a bot and
know how to use it, please let us know.  Or just look for melvan
on us.undernet.org.

For those of you who have been to the FME website in the last
week, you probably noticed some very strange things.  Like
heartburn.  Not really.  All of DP's web pages are under
construction right now, and hopefully by this weekend they'll all
be in working order again.  Be patient.  When everything is back
to normal (har), they will look much better, with an online
signup form, more pictures, and other stuff.  Unfortunately, the
Dumb Poetry page has been lost hopelessly, so I (DP) will have to retype
the whole thing again.

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

Obsession*
---------

I have to have them...
I have to have them...
I have to have them...
I have to have them...

DP

*this poem is about two brand-spankin' new cds that came out this
week that I have been dying to get for weeks, and I finally got
them yesterday.  Life is good...
  :):):):):):):):):):):):):)

FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by
other people.  Feel free to distribute this document far and
wide as long as it is not changed in any way.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation,
spelling, content, AND bacon).

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #20
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka Xavier Xerxes or XX): re11@uwrf.edu
(eener on irc)
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka Dr. Pepper or DP): melvan@pressenter.com
(melvan on irc)

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If you haven't seen the response to your Wise Sage question,
please re-send it!!  XX remembers one about spuds and one about
toe stubbing.

Issue #20.  Time for a little reflection.  Look in the mirror and
you'll see one.  Issue #20.  That means we've been doing this for
about five months.  Isn't that groovy trivia to know.  

#####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS*
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, Godzilla, the Blues Brothers, and a Baywatch
Babe & Dude made guest appearances.  Also, Buffy kissed I.M., to
which I.M. said "Mmmmmf!"

Raul and Esmerelda are having a serious discussion in a potato
field

Raul:  I am an Idaho potato.
Esmerelda:  Huh?
Raul:  Never mind.

Meanwhile, the other guys (and gal) are still trying to figure
out what happened to Raul & Esmerelda...

Al:  Raul & Esmerelda are just a couple of perverts.
Howard:  Why'd you say that?
Al:  Just sounded like something cool to say.
Howard:  Oh, okay.
Buffy:  *presents I.M. with a small box*  Here I.M., I bought a
little gift for you...
I.M.:  Oh Buffy!  You shouldn't have!  *opens the package*
(Out pop Yakko, Wakko and Dot--- the Animaniacs...)
Yakko:  (looking at Buffy)  Hellllloooooo nurse!!
I.M.:  Watch it!  She's mine!
Wakko:  Yummy, those chocolates were good! *belches*
Dot:  I'm cute!
Buffy:  You little puppy children ate the chocolates I got him!!
How dare you???!  Hey, waaaait a minnit-- *looking at Wakko*
aren't you the Great Wakkorotti?

(the Warners (Animaniacs) disappear into mid-air, and the sunset
fades on the distant shore as the scene fades back to the potato
field...)

Raul:  Esmerelda, will you marry me?
Esmerelda:  (plucking eyes off potatoes) He loves me, he loves me
not, he loves me, he loves me not...
Raul:  Well???
Esmerelda:  *bursts into tears*  You don't wanna marry me, Raul!!
Raul:  *with a puzzled expression on his face*  Why ever not??
Esmerelda:  *looks around to see if anyone is listening*
(whispers to Raul)... 'cause I used the metric system once...
Raul:  I don't care!  I won't tell anyone!
Potato:  Hello.
Raul:  Who said that?
Potato:  Me.  The potato.  Remember me?  You ate my cousin
Bertha!
Esmerelda:  Well, guess what?  You're next! (grabs a potato
masher and kills the potato)

Later...

Raul:  Mmmm...those French fries were good.  You're a good cook.
Marry me.
Esmerelda:  Sure, whatever.
Howard:  Yeah, what she said.  Er, maybe not.  Can I be the best
man?  *shifts uncomfortably in the Barney suit*  This $&*#@! suit
itches!
Esmerelda:  No, but you can be the worst man.
Raul:  Hey, weren't you just on Baywatch?

Join us next time for what could be a double wedding...or not....

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions

The Wise Sage had no questions to answer this week.

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com

DP is not alone!!

To all FME readers (and the esteemed editors, of course!):
  I just read the latest FME and I just couldn't believe it.....there is
another out there just like me!  You see, I too have never eaten Spaghetti
O's. I guess I'm just a deprived child.  My parents fed me macaroni and
cheese, hot dogs, hamburgers, even regular spaghetti, but never those little
O's from a can.  I never got to eat with Chef Boyardee, and now I sometimes
wonder if I missed out on an essential part of childhood. ??????  Is there
anyone else out there who has never eaten a Spaghetti O?  Maybe we should
all ban together, form a support group, and talk about how this has affected
our lives, our loves, our pasta preferences......

Deprived Child II

And another excursion into madness from MM....

Metaphorical Identity Crisis
----------------------------

I am a green traffic light.

Do you "people" know what kind of pressure I'm under?  Every time
I turn green, hundreds of cars try to go as fast as they can so
they can get under me before I go out.  I would give anything to
be a red light.  I don't want to be a yellow light, because then
I would be a coward.  I am very jealous of those STUPID RED
LIGHTS!!!  Some day, I'm gonna just go out for good and NEVER
come back on!

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

Attention, all who have irc access:  The channel is #fme.  The
server is us.undernet.org.  Or, if you're in Europe, it's
eu.undernet.org.  The time is:  whenever you're on irc.
DP (melvan on irc) is usually on irc between 10:00 am and 2:00 pm
(central time zone in the US)...that'd be late afternoon/evening
in the UK & other parts of Europe, very early morning in the
Australia/New Zealand area, and morning/afternoon in the rest of
the US.  XX is on there often and goes by the nick "eener".
Sooo...if you're on the specified server, drop by #fme and see
who's there!

And a more serious note.....

The Macheen Shed is back online!!!  Set your browser to
http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ where you will find
back issues, dumb poetry (eventually), the FAQ (eventually), the
Akoukahouma Art Gallery (eventually), and the As the Tractor
Burns Archive (eventually).

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

Our theme this week is "Technical Difficulties".  Enjoy.

Lagged
------

Hello?
Hello??
Hello???
Hello????
Hello?????
Hello!!!! Is anyone out there??
Did everyone stop talking,
or am I lagged?

XX

comment from DP:  CTCP PING reply 1329458123 seconds
XX responds:  *smashes computer with sledgehammer* Hehe.

Morbidity
---------

I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
The computer's down
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.

DP

----

This is the end of Farm Macheenery (exploding) Issue #20.  It is
late here, but that makes no difference!  Some of our best stuff
comes from sleep deprivation.   Hardeeharhar!
  :):):):):):):):):):):):):)

FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by
other people.  Feel free to distribute this document far and
wide as long as it is not changed in any way.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation,
spelling, content, AND bacon).

Read more »