Greetings, subscribers!  Or shall I say, "exploding farmers"?

Well, whatever you want to be called, you are part of a select group of
people to have the first issue of the new, improved, fat-free, low salt,
recycled milk jug containing, rBGH free Farm Macheenery (exploding) magazine.

And now onto the magazine...

First up, a new product feature...

No, actually, don't you want to know who writes this stuff?  Well, let's
satisfy your curiosity.  This magazine is written by Dr. Pepper and Xavier
Xerxes (not our real names).  It originates from the computers in the labs
at our college (like you really cared about that).

And now the new product feature...

No, no, scratch that.  A brief history of Farm Macheenery...

Farmers started using farm machinery before we were born.  Loooong before.
And it continues to this day, when tractors in the middle of cornfields will
spontaneously combust, given the right circumstances.  For instance, if a
water buffalo tramples the corn, leaving nothing but husks, the corn will
definitely be destroyed and transported to the fourth dimension.

Oh, you want the REAL story, do you?  Well, about seven years ago, we were
bored one afternoon, so we came up with this idea to make a really weird
magazine.  It was appropriately named "Weirdly Magazine".  The name was later
changed to "Duh! Magazine".  That name stayed for years and years and years
and years and years and years...well, you get the idea.  Then we figured
"Hey, this magazine needs a new name."  So we renamed it (again) to "Kazoo
Magazine".  This consisted of three highly experiMENTAL issues which fell
into the hands of a menacing villain who wished to burn them.  However, the
villain suddenly disappeared down a dark drain, never to be heard from again,
and the issues were saved.  I can hear you cheering.  Anyway, after that
horrendous episode, the name was changed to "Farm Macheenery (exploding)
Magazine", a literary quest for the big green thing.

And now, finally, the new product feature...

Okay, so it isn't a new PRODUCT.  It's a new hairstyle.

Want a new haircut that no one else has ever had?  Well, now you can!  It's
called the Buzzsaw Technique.  Take a buzzsaw, tilt it to 180 degrees above
your head, and drop it.  You will want to have an enormous life insurance
policy if you plan to do this.  Have your husband and/or wife present at the
time of your haircut.

WARNING:  Well, what you don't know can't hurt you...I think....

And now it's time for...

*********************
*                   *
*   The Wise Sage   *
*                   *
*********************

Have a question for the Wise Sage?  Send them to melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu
with the subject "Wise Sage".

And now the questions.

Dear Wise Sage,

Which is the best laxative?
Boundup

Dear Boundup,

If that's really your name, you need a laxative in a bad way.  I would
reccomend the old stand-by:  bran muffins and prune juice.
Wise Sage

*********

Dear Wise Sage,

Is it true that you locked yourself from the public eye because of a bad
perm?  If so, what kind of perm was it?
Kodak Moment

Dear Kodak Moment,

No comment.
Wise Sage

*********

Dear Wise Sage,

Did you know that without a W and an S, you're an ice age?  Care to comment?
Kinkle

Dear Kinkle,

Obviously, you can't spell.  By the way, if you replace the first K in your
name with a T, know what you get?
Wise Sage

*********

And that concludes our Wise Sage column for this issue.

So now it's time for some poetry.  No, no, don't leave!  This isn't ordinary
poetry!

"Drugged"

Chewing
Wagging
Panting
Running
Chasing
Barking
Peeing on fire hydrants
Is it a dog?
No, it's you after 50 Dr. Peppers.

DP

*********

"The Cow"

A flower in the garden
Grows.
The cow in the pasture
Poops.

DP

*********

"The Cemetery"

The tears fall
unchecked
from my eyes
as I stare at the cold
slab of cement that
marks your final
resting place...
I recall the times we
spent together...
The hideous pink lawn
ornament screams in
pain...

XX

*********

"Oops"

Foreign--
black and mottled
we eye it with distaste
as it slithers out
of the crack
in the wall
it squeaks in anger
as we squash it with
our shoe
It is too late that we
realize...
it was the vital banana.

XX

*********

"Stripe"

Spittle--Mr. Meow.
He nods in agreement,
but still questions the
stripe.

XX

*********

"Rerun"

The brilliance of the white light
fills the small cubicle...
as an unsuspecting cricket
climbs the slippery surface...
Again, the hideous pink
lawn ornament
screams in agony...

XX & DP

*********

"Lost"

Do not forget
the life you've lived
the things you've
missed because
You spent a year looking
for the TV remote...

DP

*********

"Blue"

The misty blue
of the ripe blueberry
tempts me to
pluck it from the stem...
Mary had a little lamb
whose fleece was white
as snow
e-i, e-i, o.

XX

*********

That concludes this issue's portion of Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash.  As
you can plainly see, it has nothing to do with greeting cards.

Well, this has been a blast.  Unfortunately, a huge slug has invaded our
computers and we will no longer be able to bring you "Farm Macheenery
(exploding)".  Well, it was good while it lasted.

Oh, never mind that last comment.  The slug has disappeared down a deep, dark
hole.  Stay tuned for more exploding farm machinery--oops, forgot the name
of our own magazine!  Farm Macheenery (exploding).  Thanks to all of you
demented people who subscribed.  Tell your friends, enemies, and politicians
about FME, and we'll be back next week with issue #2.

Okay, you can go now.

Really, you can.  The magazine is over.

Go on!  You have more important stuff to do!

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #2
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE

Greetings, and happy new year!  Wait, wait!  It's not even Christmas yet.
Oops.  Sorry.  Welcome to the second ever issue of Farm Macheenery
(exploding).  You are one of a very small, select group to have this magazine
delivered personally to your computer.  This week we have had a few technical
difficulties which have resulted in the magazine being released late.  We do
apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused you.  We know that even
after only one issue of FME you are hopelessly hooked and may suffer any or
all of the following symptoms:  shortness of breath, headaches, nausea,
stomach cramps, blurred vision, etc.  If you experience any of these symptoms
please contact your local video store and rent the movie UHF immediately.
You can send your comments, letters, questions, or cheese to
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu or renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu.

Also, a very important notice:  The email message most of you got last week
about a virus turned out to be a hoax.  Nothing to worry about, at least not
from that one.

And now it's time for a new feature here in the new, improved Farm Macheenery
(exploding).  Movie reviews reviewed for you by the highly trained
professional monkey trainers, Squishkel and Eggplant.

Movie                           Squishkel       Eggplant

Godzilla Meets Spoo-man                         

In the Spine of Fire                            

Blister Act                                     

BGT:  The Big Green Terrestrial                 

The Spleenergizer                               

Malcom Specks                                   

Elastic Park                                    

*********

Now it's time for the educational portion of the magazine.  This week, it's
a biology lesson.  Have you ever wondered where your spleen really is?  Well,
us Farm Macheenery (exploding) people were wondering, too.  So we sent out
Zinderfanny von Stickindamud, our investigative reporter, to find out.
Here's what he came back with:

"The spleen...is located somewhere between the fourth...and fifth eye...."

We'll let all of you figure out what COLOR a spleen is....

*********

We here at Farm Macheenery (exploding) are proud to unveil our latest project
which hopefully all of you will be involved in.  It is a contest.  The thing
is, you have to read this poem and figure out how it ends.  We don't even
know how it ends.  The poem:

The artist gasps
at the beauty of
the distant snowdrift
etched against
the night sky--
and is only
partly dismayed
to discover
that his adjustable
bed catalog...

Contest Rules:

1.  Entries must be received by November 1, 1995.  Due to time zones and
other stuff that we can't control, we will accept entries dated Nov. 1st,
even if we don't get them until the 2nd.
2.  Please.
3.  This is rule #3.
4.  Keep it clean, please.
5.  Winners will be notified by email around November 3 or 4.
6.  Winners will get their name/alias with their entry in the November 6th
issue of the magazine.  Any other prizes are yet to be determined and will
be announced in the magazine prior to the deadline.
7.  There is no rule #7.
8.  Send to:  melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu or renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu
9.  Executives of FME publications, their immediate families, and pets are
eligible to enter.  The employees themselves, unfortunately, cannot enter
this contest, because then we'd win and you'd all lose.  So much for the
contest concept.
10.  Sub-contest:  There will also be prizes and mention in the magazine for
entries whose subject lines make us ROTFL.

*********

ATTENTION!

Are you paying attention?  Good.  Now we need your help with another project.
It's a survey.  This particular survey is not meant to be taken seriously,
but we want your input anyway.  Send responses to renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu.

1.  Which book title interests you the most?
        a.  The Magnificent Jalopy
        b.  Boy Gets Car
        c.  The Whales Go By

2.  If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
        a.  Zint
        b.  53
        c.  Loop

3.  Which word most appeals to you?
        a.  Spoo
        b.  Oink
        c.  Acorn

4.  What is your favorite color?
        a.  green
        b.  eggshell white
        c.  armadillo poop green

5.  Do you believe in aliens?
        a.  Yes
        b.  No
        c.  I am one

6.  What is the perfect name for a cult?
        a.  Toot-toot, peanut butter
        b.  Wacko
        c.  Melded Bananas

7.  What would your pen name be?
        a.  Julie-us Seize-her
        b.  Wormhole Brokenjaw
        c.  Ispoop Green

8.  What is your favorite food?
        a.  banana
        b.  tomato (the vegetable)
        c.  tomato (the fruit)
        d.  cooked carrots
        e.  bacon
        f.  eggplant

9.  Will you utter the sacred vows of the hunt?
        a.  yes
        b.  no

10.  What do you like to do on a rainy day?
        a.  Wonder why everyone brings potato salad to family reunions
        b.  Make figure 8's in the noodles
        c.  Throw wadded-up paper towels in the toilet

Once again, send responses to renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu.

*********

Welcome to another fun-filled edition of "Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash".
Today our theme is musical.  So sit back and enjoy.  And remember, the
opinions expressed here are not necessarily shared by the Geeks with Guns
Association.

"Clarinet"

With a wild look in her eye,
she snapped the long
clarinet into playing position--
with spit flying, she played
a furious rendition of
"Christmas in Poland"
only to realize later
Her mouthpiece was
missing.

XX

"Fiends"

The two fiends
played long black instruments,
in small square cubicles
with backwards door handles,
they conspired--
and put their feet
at odd angles
into their horns.

XX

*********

And now it's time to say goodbye.  But we don't want to do that, so we won't.
So until next week, remember:  Where there's duct tape, there's hope.

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #3
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu  alias  DP or Dr. Pepper, for short
Renee.F.Elrod@uwrf.edu  alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hello and good day to all you protein-based life forms out there!
We hope you are enjoying our magazine- send all comments, armadillos, and
eggplants to renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu or melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu.
AATTTENTIOON: we have decided to add a new feature to this publication, aptly
titled "The section where other people write". I certainly hope I don't have
to tell you what it's for.  Any interested guys, gals, or aliens out there
who want to be guest writers, may email your wittiest, most nonsensical
material to melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu, with the subject heading "I is a
gud writer".  Us two editors will sift thru this material, pondering it
deeply, and include some of it in our subsequent issues. Well, sorry, but
this intro is coming to a close, so we can proceed with more important and
mind-stimulating subjects, beginning with...

***************

A Marvelous quote XX just thunk up.
"Love is a many-fendered thing..."
(in reference to people who are obssessed with cars)

****************

A word from DP...
Squeegie.
No, seriously, I got comments from people last week about them getting
duplicates of FME issue #2, or one issue & another with just my sig, and I
assure you the situation has been corrected.  The technical difficulties will
soon subside and you will be able to enjoy your Farm Macheenery (exploding)
with little or no outside disturbances.  Unless you live by an airport...

And at the time of my typing this message, we have still not received ANY
entries in the "Finish the poem contest".  If no one sends us any, we'll have
to make one up and it'll sound really stupid.  So please, if you have an idea
how that poem ends, we'd be more than happy to see it.

****************

"Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash"

WARNING:  You are entering the fourth demention...the following may not
make sense.  You have been warned.

*************

"Sewer"

I feel the pain
   deep down
I have felt this pain
   before...
It is indescribable,
but I know you have
experienced it also...
It calls to me in an
exquisite voice, and I
know I must go...must
go and find a bathroom
immediately.

XX

*********

"Picnic Basket"

Courageously, she faces her opponent
he stands, tall and grim,
etched against the moonlit sky...
In the distance
a bombshell explodes
and screams of agony
join the chorus of crickets-
His facemask falls away,
only to reveal
the Picnic basket of death.
Banana. Orange. Apple.

XX

************

"Old"

He asks, "What is the
  secret to your success?"
The wise sage ponders a
   moment, then carefullly,
   deliberately, he answers:
"Sneelock Harn."

DP

**************

A commentary by XX...

Define the impossible?  Remove the implausible, and what is left--is it the
truth, or is it just bacon grease?  How does the wise sage cook his rat meat?
And how does the wise owl choose which laxative to use?  Perhaps I will throw
my telephone into Lake Erie before I choose MCI or Sprint...

Because I know that AT&T stands for Armadillos, Termites & Toads.  I was
recently taxed for having a snake living in my toilet, and because his name
was Andre [with dots over the e, don't know how to type that] they also taxed
the dots above his name!  Boy--he uses a lot of toilet paper!

***************

A commentary by DP...

In the never-ending quest for the big green thing, many people have come to
one conclusion:  Diet Peeg-in-a-can Cola really DOES smell more like regular
Peeg-in-a-can Cola!  But of course, those are only their opinions on
Clinton's haircut [in Air Force One at the LA airport a couple years ago].
Actually, the pilot was on drugs and flew straight into the side of the White
House yesterday.  It turns out that Socks tried eating a flat tire and got
constipated after falling head over heels for Mr. Potato Head.  Mr. Potato
Head said he had no comment.  He must have been turned into hash browns
because he didn't answer the phone when we called his house.

Comment:  Which calling plan does Mr. Potato Head have anyway?--XX

*********

Now it's time for something we forgot to include last week.

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************

Dear Wise Sage,

I can't seem to stop picking my nose.  Can you help?

S. Booger

---

Dear S. Booger,

There is only ONE solution to this problem.  Have a plastic surgeon remove
your nose.  You may feel some discomfort.  Call 1-800-FOGY for more info.

Wise Sage

*********

Dear Wise Sage,

Are you a doctor, or do you play one on TV?  What cough medicine do you
reccommend for someone who's clearing her throat 10000 times a day?

SJE

---

Dear SJE,

There is only ONE solution to this problem.  Have a plastic surgeon remove
your throat.

Wise Sage

*********

Dear Wise Sage,

I have a hangnail.  My doctor says I need my arm amputated.  Is this true?

Overboard

---

Dear Overboard,

Yes.

Wise Sage

*********

Dear Wise Sage,

Do all your solutions to problems consist of a plastic surgeon removing
something?  What about mental block?

Zork

---

Dear Zork,

When in doubt, chop off the person's head.

Wise Sage

*********

dear.wise.sage.

what.would.you.suggest.i.do.about.my.clogged.septic.system.i.don't.want.to.
cut.anything.off.

punctuated.

---

Dear Punctuated,

Invite your plumber over and cut off his head.

Wise Sage

*********

Dear Wise Sage,

Can I cut off your toes?  Please?  It would really solve that problem of
hairy toes.

Cousin Billy Bob Sage

---

Dear Billy Bob Sage,

You're too late.  I've already had a plastic surgeon remove my toes, AND 90%
of my other body parts.

Wise Sage

*********

And now for something completely new and insane.  In our seven years of doing
this magazine off-line, we cut out words from magazines and newspapers and
stuck them together randomly.  Here are some of our gems.

"The brutal potatoes kidnapped elephants from cooking school."
"The missing novelist rips hockey hall selection."
"The world's best health guns could cost Minnesota jobs."
"The freshly brewed supermodel stops skin puffiness."
"Cease fire to reopen with bang."
"Moo out-whitens Jolly gray.  Available today!"
"The debut solo release from Wild Lintball.  'Bagtime'"
"Now, for many bed wetters...Bring home the porcelain Twinkies."
"Invest in something with silky satin-knit performances by the year 2000."
"A Japanese mildew stain honks at stopped van."
"The haunted deodorant cleared of labor violations in Mexico."
"The deadly Nobel Prize pounds among the dead."
"Reduce aroma here."
"You've always wanted:  Daddy's free mulch!"
"Born to be shorts."
"Soldier discovers 4 invisible spurs cleaning a winter doozie."
"Happy campers blab inside a fanatic."
"A classic case of the lemon fresh maniacs."
"The time is right for the collector's treasury of eggs."
"Does your garage door opener attack children?"
    **This one has an answer:  If you said "yes", there is only one way to
    solve the problem.  Invite the garage door fix-it man over, and cut off
    his head.

*********

Another send-in thing we want your help with.  Send us descriptions, stories,
or whatever about the most eccentric (weird, strange) teacher you've ever
had.  We have a few stories of our own about weird teachers.  But you'll have
to wait to see them.  Hmmm...how 'bout we make the deadline November 15.

*********

So, now that we've sufficiently wasted half an hour or so of your time....

We're leaving.

But before we go, if you like music in the alternative/rock sort of vein,
we reccommend you pick up an album by Steve Taylor.  Namely the one called
"Squint".  It is a very good one.

We're really leaving now.

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #4
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper
Renee.F.Elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

How-deee!  Happy November!  You may or may not be aware of this, but November
is International Drum Month.  So go beat on something--after you finish
reading this magazine.  Boom!  Boom!  Boom!  Our friend the Energizer Bunny
lives on....

IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN:

It snowed here today in Wisconsin.

WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING, "THE CAT THAT JUMPED
OFF A ROOF AND LANDED ON ITS FEET BUT WAS IMMEDIATELY CHASED UP A TREE BY A
DOG AND GOT SCARED AND FELL OUT OF THE TREE AND LANDED ON ITS FEET AGAIN ON
TOP OF THE DOG AND SCARED THE DOG SO MUCH THAT IT RAN AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD
HOWLING AND MADE THE CAT SO SCARED THAT IT DUG ITS CLAWS DEEPER INTO THE DOG
AND THEY BOTH DIED.  THE END."

*********

Okay, it's November 5 and we haven't gotten ANY replies to our poem contest.
The deadline was two days ago.  Soooo....  The first person to send in an
entry gets it in the magazine next week.  If nobody sends one in, then we'll
have to write our own ending.

*********

We are proud to announce that we are now sending Farm Macheenery (exploding)
to 31 people!!!  Ooh, big number!  You can help us increase this number.
Tell everyone you know about FME.  Force them to subscribe.

*********

And now for a quiz...

This is a quiz to tell whether or not you are illiterate.  I know
this is an important issue with many of you happy folks, who
are wandering around, hopelessly lost in cyberspace:-)  This
quiz consists of one, and only one simple question.

THE QUESTION:
Snij Haddle Fwat kbibble tooz whit?

Possible answers:
a. no
b. yes
c. it could only happen if the statue of liberty were
attacked by nuns chewing gum, and sticking wads of it
all over the statue

HOW TO INTERPRET THIS QUIZ:
If you answered either a,b or c, you are not illiterate. Now get
on with reading the rest of this magazine, for pete's sake!!!!

***********

Impoooortant note to all who read the last issue:
In the part where I (XX) am musing about a great many important
and interesting things, such as long distance calling plans and
snakes living in toilets, a couple of those ideas were
originally written by Mr. Dave Barry, a very funny humor
columnist. (such as the snakes in toilets, and being taxed for
dots over your name).  Sorry for not mentioning that last time!!
BTW, if you want a few good laughs, check out anything written
by Dave Barry.  He's got several good books out there.

************

THE SECTION WHERE OTHER PEOPLE WRITE

************

Us two writers were hanging out at DP's house last night, chatting with
her brother Marvin the Magnificent (not his real name).
He came up with this real cool idea for baking a birthday
cake, so here it is.  I hope you enjoy it:-)
The basic idea of it all is to have a regular ole birthday
cake with a firecracker in the middle of the inside of the cake.
On top of the cake you would have "dummy" candles, that
weren't really candles, 'cause their wicks would hook up to
the firecracker in the middle of the cake.
So when the candles were all lit, and everyone's singing...
"Happy Birthday to you!  Happy Birthday to you!  Happy
Birthday dear..."  (BOOM!!!!)
Hahahahahaha!

Well, remember, if you want to contribute to this section of
our magazine next time, email melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu or
renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu with your odd stories, thoughts, or
whatever!

*********

Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash

No, no, no, actually it's a new product feature.  Sorry, I'm a little more
scatterbrained today than usual.

A new product manufactured by Bland Incorporated.  It is called "The Most
Boring" cereal.  It consists of extremely healthy grains, sands, herbs, etc.
Guaranteed to make you extremely regular.  Forget Metamucil.  Buy "The Most
Boring" cereal.  Thank you for your time.

*********

Ways to tell if you're losing your mind (as if you haven't already lost it)

1.  You lose arguments with yourself.
2.  You eat green toast.
3.  You bow down to antennas.
4.  You alphabetize your socks according to color.

*********

ATTENTION:  Be on the lookout for a *possible* new email address for Farm
Macheenery (exploding).  We may be sending it from a different address in the
future, but we're not totally sure on that yet.

Also, we would like anyone who sends us material to make up a name for
themselves, so that your initials are MM.  We currently have three people
with MM names:  Marvin the Magnificent (DP's brother), Mel the Marbleless
(DP), and Motor Mangler (XX).

*********

And now, finally, the Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash.

"Pepperoni and Sausage"

My tennis shoes
Are an environmental threat
crustless little triangles
hop on the piano keys
performing "Chopsticks"
the end of the world
is coming
while teethless hockey players
attack skaters.
Goodbye.

XX

---

"Disaster Area"

Tick tock
tick tock
tick tock
tick tock

XX

---

"Hornkleberry Finn"

Snort.  Snort.
Herbert, a pug-nosed warthog,
watches the fish
swimming in the auditorium.
Swim, swim, swim.
Then
Thud!  The table of contents
Kills Herbert.

XX & DP

---

"Junk"

Junk.
I stare as I walk.
I trip
and fall on the floor.
The junk has broken my fall,
but I still cannot get up.

DP

---

"Home"

Home.
A place to
hang your hat
or your purse
or your stuff
or write poems
and drown
the useless ones
in the toilet.
Home.

DP

---

"Billow"

Defeated.
Lawn ornaments
Are defeated.
Nothing can
Stop it.
Don't try.
It's useless.
The billowing billows
Billow in the billowing billows.
I sleep on my pillow.
My pillow
Is punctured.
Defeated lawn ornaments.
They die soon.

DP

*Disclaimer:  DP was half asleep when she wrote this poem and never thought
it was funny, but XX did thought it was funny, thereby making it necessary to
include it in one of our issues of FME.

*********

Sorry to disappoint you, but we have no Wise Sage column for this week.  Why?
Because none of you subscribers have sent in any questions for the Wise Sage
to answer.  And yes, we're trying to lay a guilt trip on you.  So send your
questions to melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu with the subject line "Wise Sage",
or at least include the words "wise sage" somewhere in the email message.

*********

Stay tuned for next week's issue, which may or may not include a discussion
between the two editors of the magazine.  It also may or may not have the
letter "e" in it, or contain explicit details about Spam, or tell the truth
about what they actually put in hot dogs.

*********

This ezine (or whatever else you want to call it) was created by the geniuses
(okay, so maybe we're *not* geniuses) named Dr. Pepper and Xavier Xerxes (not
our real names).  If you wanna subscribe, send mail to
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu with any subject line you like.

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #5
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper
Renee.F.Elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Greetings, Earth creatures, moon creatures, Mars creatures, and all
other creatures that we don't know exist yet.  Heck, with the
Internet, anybody could be online!  We are very proud to bring you
this issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding), because of five very
important events taking place in this magazine:

1.  Our very first "The Section Where Other People Write" to have
someone who isn't related to either of us write.
2.  Our survey results from issue #2.
3.  The ending to the poem from issue #2.
4.  We haven't decided on Important Thing #4 yet.
5.  Our first Wise Sage letter that we didn't have to make up.

So now we must enter into that important section in our important
magazine.

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************

First of all, if you want your demen... I mean important work
included in this magazine, send them to melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu.
And please, please, please, don't send us anything perverted or
full of expletives.  We won't print that stuff.  And if you don't
already have an alias, please pick one.  Unless you REALLY want to
admit that you read this magazine every week.

The following important list was sent to us by The Other One.

The Stages of Madness
How to tell if you are going mad:
1:      Hair on the palms of your hands
2:      Looking for hair on the palms of your hands
3:      Talking to yourself
4:      Arguing with yourself
5:      ...and losing
6:      Forgetting that you won an argument against yourself
7:      Forgetting to win an argument against yourself
8:      Playing "scissors-paper-stones" against yourself
9:      ...and always picking "paper"
10:     ...and always losing
11:     Forgetting a stage of madness
12:     ...but continuing to list them
13:     Pop lyrics begin to make sense
14:     Country & Western lyrics begin to fail to make sense
15:     R.E.M. lyrics begin to make sense

                                                        The Other One
(3 on the T.O.O. Madness scale, but pushing 4)

--------------------------

Our next important article comes from someone who prefers to
refer to himself as Mangrove Moose.

                Top 10 Things Never to Do in a Hospital

10. Never choose a hospital where the director worries about his
Ferrari payments.
9. Never doze off in the waiting room when someone needs an organ
donation.
8. Never trust a physical therapist named "Spike" or "Mad Dog."
7. Never eat in a cafeteria that adjoins an operating room.
6. Never get treated with equipment that's older than you.
5. Never get treated by a doctor who's younger than your chronic
condition.
4. Never shake hands with a hospital worker who forgot to remove
his rubber gloves.
3. Never sign a release that bears the words "In the unlikely
event of ..."
2. Never put yourself in the hands of a resident physician at the
end of his shift -- especially if you just saw him swallow more
than 25 pills.

And the Number One thing never to do in a hospital...

1. When passing the epidemiology lab, never let 'em see you sweat.

        Mangrove Moose.
---------------
Our next important section is.....

*****************
* The Wise Sage *
*****************

Dear Wise Sage,

I have this uncontrollable urge to bow down to stock exchanges.
Can you suggest anything that might help me to stop? Backbraces
slip into my pants, and cutting my head off doesn't stop the
waist movements.

Praise the Almighty Dollar

signed: The Other One (with chutney)

Dear TOO,

Hmmm...Your problem is a common one.  I would suggest not doing
anything about it.  It's just a phase you're going through.  But
if you're really desperate, why not just blow up the stock
exchange?

Wise Sage

*********

And now it's time for some important Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash,
sent to us by someone by the name of The Inexperienced Avatar.

I intended to write prose
but, as you can see,
a narrow page width
forced me to write poetry.
This was going to be
an incisive article
written at the height
of my inspiration
 - but I got sidetracked by
present circumstances;
how many others
have had similar
experiences?
Sitting here, with a pen
and some paper
(taking care not to rip it);
waiting for relief,
Wishing to just
let it all out.
It could have been
about sex, politics
or religion
(or maybe a mixture
of any two or three).
But no,
a narrow page width
forced me to write poetry.

--The Inexperienced Avatar

--------

And now the important results to our important survey, which was
included in FME issue #2.  Thanks to the TWO important people who
responded to our survey.

1.  Which book title interests you the most?
        a.  The Magnificent Jalopy                      0%
        b.  Boy Gets Car                               50%
        c.  The Whales Go By                           50%

2.  If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
        a.  Zint                                        0%
        b.  53                                          50%
        c.  Loop                                        50%

3.  Which word most appeals to you?
        a.  Spoo                                         0%
        b.  Oink                                         0%
        c.  Acorn                                      100%

4.  What is your favorite color?
        a.  green                                       50%
        b.  eggshell white                              50%
        c.  armadillo poop green                         0%

5.  Do you believe in aliens?
        a.  Yes                                         50%
        b.  No                                           0%
        c.  I am one                                    50%

6.  What is the perfect name for a cult?
        a.  Toot-toot, peanut butter                    50%
        b.  Wacko                                        0%
        c.  Melded Bananas                              50%

7.  What would your pen name be?
        a.  Julie-us Seize-her                           0%
        b.  Wormhole Brokenjaw                         100%
        c.  Ispoop Green                                 0%

8.  What is your favorite food?
        a.  banana                                      50%
        b.  tomato (the vegetable)                       0%
        c.  tomato (the fruit)                           0%
        d.  cooked carrots                               0%
        e.  bacon                                       50%
        f.  eggplant                                     0%

9.  Will you utter the sacred vows of the hunt?
        a.  yes
        b.  no                                          50%
        --The other 50% said "What are they?"

10.  What do you like to do on a rainy day?
        a.  Wonder why everyone brings potato salad to   0%
        family reunions
        b.  Make figure 8's in the noodles              50%
        c.  Throw wadded-up paper towels in the toilet  50%

-----------------------------

Once again, we come to that important portion of the important
magazine where we have to end writing stuff or it'll never get
sent out.  We have many, many more brilliant ideas floating
around in our heads, but if we put them all in this magazine,
then we wouldn't have anything to write next week, now would we?
So until next week, remember:  When all else fails, try the
polka station.

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #6
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper
Renee.F.Elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

(insert intro here)
All right, all right.  You sure are pushy!  (ahem) Excuse me for that
violent outburst.  This is the sixth issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding)
Magazine.  Yada yada yada, intro stuff, blah blah, etc.  Now on to
the magazine.

*****************

Hello everyone!  We are very pleased and excited to announce
the formation of a very exciting and innovative alternative
band.  THE BURNING FRUITCAKES!!!!  We  hope you will check
out their debut album, available at no stores near you.  Some
of the singles include...

A Fruitcake is Forever
All I want for Christmas is a fruitcake
Great Balls of Fruitcakes
and many more enjoyable tunes.
(hmmm...do you notice a theme here??)

********************

We are very proud to bring you the next section in
the magazine, which has absolutely nothing to do
with any of the rest of the magazine.

************************************
THE SECTION WHERE OTHER PEOPLE WRITE
************************************

I don't think I should have to explain what is in this
section.  If you don't know what it's for, call toll-free
1-800-IM-STUPID.  If you have an article you'd like to
have in the magazine (that is, if you're brave enough
to admit that you actually read this magazine), send it to
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu.  We will read all articles
and decide where to put them in.  We do ask two things:

        1.  Keep it clean.  We won't put anything in the
        magazine that isn't.
        2.  Don't send us stuff longer than about 40 lines.
        We want to keep the magazine short enough so you
        don't get bored reading it.

This week our first article comes to us from Potato Land.
Stay tuned, as this may become a weekly feature.

Hello:

Welcome to this week's edition of "Postcards from Potato Land."  Before we
all get started, it is important that all Farm Macheenery readers know that
Potato Land has been misplaced often.  This has been harmful to our morale.
We in Potato Land want the world to know that we are not next to Illinois
or South Dakota, or whatever other states are back there growing all those
big ears.

We here in North Potato Land don't grow many spuds except for an occasional
red russet or netted gem. And we try to avoid raising too many Nazis and
skinheads and all that there type of stuff. We concentrate on promoting
potato heads alone. But the national press loves to think that we potato
heads don't have the eyes and ears to notice when they malign our pretty
area on "Extra" and "Inside Edition" and "Hard Copy" with sensational type
stories about all the scary people hiding under our pine trees and amongst
our huckleberry bushes.

We've got real nice folks here and pretty places to look at.  This week our
"postcard from potato land" will deal with that there catalog company some
of ya may have home on yur coffee table called "Coldwater Creek."  For
those who ain't never experienced the "ambience" of the Coldwater Creek
Bridge, ya oughta see it.

 They've got all kinds of fancy stuffed tigers and lions and moose sittin'
in the store.  And the muzic they play is real pretty and soothing. One of
the 25 or so "expresso" houses in our town is on that bridge too.
Downstairs they've got some good smellin' pizza baked in a brick oven.

Best of all, the whole place overlooks a crick that comes down from a
pretty ski mountain.  It's a purty place in a purty town.

As a native of " North Potato Land," I look forward to tellin' you a whole
lot more about this place and sharin some of my Pocket Girdles adventures
that took place here when I was growin' up.  In the meantime, I'll be
lookin for you in the Macheen Zine.

My next topic will deal with the question you must all be asking.  What the
heck is a "pocket girdle"?

May your spuds go thud in the mud.

PG

********************

Another Survey:)

********************

Haha, you betcha!  We had such a booming response
(two responses) to the last survey that we printed,
that we figured it deserved an encore!!!!  Here goes...

1.  What is your favorite (made-up) name for an
    alternative band?
    a.  Psycho Auctioneer
    b.  I.M.A. Booger
    c.  Spleen Demons
    d.  Forty-five Oatflakes

2.  Why is Barney the Dinosaur purple?
    a.  Why ask why?
    b.  Because some careless child
        spilled grapejuice on him
    c.  Because Smurfs were blue, so
        they had to use another color this time

3.  Which of the following 3 word combinations
    appeals most to you?
    a.  Farm, Macheenery, Exploding
    b.  plop, plop, plop
    c.  weevil, termite, politician
    d.  idiotic, weedwhacker, hoopla

4.  What will you find at the end of the rainbow?
    a.  Judy Garland
    b.  Lucky the Leprachaun
    c.  a mud puddle
    d.  a treasure chest full of back issues of fme

5.  Do you believe in spontaneous human combustion?
    a.  Yes
    b.  No
    c.  I believe in it for a fact,
        since there are flames shooting out my ears.
    d.  All of the above.

You can send all responses to this survey to
either melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu or renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu.
We'll print the results in a future issue, which
I am sure you'll be breathlessly anticipating.

****************************

Dumb-Poetry-In-A-Card-Type-Trash

****************************

(Mel, you're gonna hafta do this part-
you've got the dpiactt)

Okay, will do.
(actually, I didn't.  I was about to when the fire alarm rang
and I had to get out of the building before it incinerated.)

One of these poems (again) was sent to us by The Inexperienced
Avatar.  We hope you enjoy them.

*****************************

Questions
---------

I ponder the
   Great Questions
     of life...
The Blooming of the rose
The workings or the ant...
the twinklings of the stars...
and the fact that
Superman always
wears the same underwear.

XX

----------

Whimsy (with occasional recourse to a dictionary)

I found a small flimsy
Patch of white whimsy
Surrounded by fluff
& potatos and stuff
A seraph in green
& a piglet to wean
Septennial blooms
In red-panelled rooms
A facsimile of spring
Tied up with old string
Expidition'ry boots
With not enough roots
Rutger Hauer in grey
Crooning softly "Ole"
The whimsy refrains
From disturbing more brains
& drifts past my head
As I fall of the bed.

The Inexperienced Avatar
                (penname of The Other One)

------------

Ozone
-----

The Ozone is disintegrating-
They say.
Rain forests are burning-
And it's our fault.
But I realize
They are overreacting,
Spending millions of dollars,
To see if cow flatulence contributes.

DP

Laboratory
----------

The twisted Amoeba
   Slithers
      Through
         Life
          Perhaps
           Always
            Wondering...
About the
Huge eye always
on the
 Horizon.

XX

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR....
(drumroll....oops!  Someone shot the drummer!
Boom!)

*******************
*                 *
*   WISE SAGE     *
*                 *
*******************

The first letter from this week comes from The Haxiem.
The question:

Dear Wise Sage,
  What is that dent under the nose called?  Is there
any purpose for it?  If not, could you suggest one?
                --The Haxiem

To The Haxiem,
  if you want to know the "real" answer to this question,
go down to your local friendly library, and cut off all of the
librarians heads. Hahaha. Just kidding.  Check out the book
_When Did Wild Poodles Roam the Earth_.(this book actually
exists)  There is a section in this book that addresses this
issue.  However, MY answer to the question is a little different.
Hmmmm...  I addressed this question to the "B" man (otherwise
known as Renee's, alias XX's boyfriend).
He said that the groove is for when you
are mountain climbing, and need to take a break, or stop
to get a breath of air.  You hook the groove onto the side
of the mountain.  As for what the Wise Sage thinks it's called.  Hmmmm...
How 'bout we call it the "Wimble Borg Oompus Electrus".
                     --Wise Sage

And the second letter for the week comes from Haxiem (not related
to THE Haxiem)
And the question is....

Dear Wise Sage,
   Ok....this igloo thermos thing.  It keeps hot things hot
and cold things cold.  But how does it know?
                       --Haxiem (not related to THE Haxiem)

And the answer is...

Dear Haxiem,
   It's psychic.  It just KNOWS, know what I mean?  Actually
I prefer the term "psycho", but whatever you call it, remember:
it just KNOWS....
         --Wise Sage
+++++++++++++++++++++
And now, it's time for us to say "toot-a-loo" until next week.
Here is one last thought to leave you with...
"Remember- an O that is turned upside-down, is still an O."

To subscribe to "Farm Macheenery (Exploding)", email
Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #7
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper
Renee.F.Elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Howdy, folks!  We do hope that our American subscribers had a marvelous
Thanksgiving on Thursday.  And we hope our non-American subscribers had
a wonderful weekend wherever you are.

Recently, a lot of people (2 to be exact) have asked me how we came up with
Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine.  We addressed this question in the
very first issue of FME, but since our readership has grown substantially
since then, I (DP) figured it'd be a good idea to tell the story again.
The following is ripped directly from the first issue.

A brief history of Farm Macheenery...

Farmers started using farm machinery before we were born.  Loooong before.
And it continues to this day, when tractors in the middle of cornfields will
spontaneously combust, given the right circumstances.  For instance, if a
water buffalo tramples the corn, leaving nothing but husks, the corn will
definitely be destroyed and transported to the fourth dimension.

Oh, you want the REAL story, do you?  Well, about seven years ago, we were
bored one afternoon, so we came up with this idea to make a really weird
magazine.  It was appropriately named "Weirdly Magazine".  The name was later
changed to "Duh! Magazine".  That name stayed for years and years and years
and years and years and years...well, you get the idea.  Then we figured
"Hey, this magazine needs a new name."  So we renamed it (again) to "Kazoo
Magazine".  This consisted of three highly experiMENTAL issues which fell
into the hands of a menacing villain who wished to burn them.  However, the
villain suddenly disappeared down a dark drain, never to be heard from again,
and the issues were saved.  I can hear you cheering.  Anyway, after that
horrendous episode, the name was changed to "Farm Macheenery (exploding)
Magazine", a literary quest for the big green thing.

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

We have a dilemma here at the Farm Macheenery (exploding) corporate
headquarters (that's wherever we are at any given time).  Since the holiday
season is quickly approaching, many of you will be going home for a month or
more and won't have opportunity to check your email.  Soooo....we want your
feedback (and no, I don't mean the stuff we gave you to feed your cows--ha ha,
bad joke).  Do you want us to keep writing FME every week and just send out a
bunch of back issues when schools resume classes, or should we put it on hold
for a while?  You be the judges.  We'll let you know what's up when we know.

And now we have wonderful news to report.  We are up to 56 subscribers!
Before you know it everyone will have a subscription to FME!

And as you've already probably figured out, this is our seventh issue online.
Which is a number that just happens to coincide with the number of years we've
been doing this magazine off-line.

The next bit of news is a very important one to announce, which is a
forthcoming new address for FME.  As soon as DP pays up some money,
the magazine will be coming to you from a new address.  We hope that will
be soon.  And with this address change may come some more technical
difficulties that we experienced in our first couple issues,
but they will subside as time passes.

*this ends our boring fme news section.*

So now onto something much more interesting.

I am having problems typing at the moment because I'm using
my brother's computer in my basement and it's cold and I'm
wearing my old band gloves and I'm trying to play a cd on
his cd rom drive and it won't play the first song, so I'm
ticked off.  But alas, through my hardships, I will not be
discouraged from writing this stuff.

Here is something XX wrote roughly a year ago when we were
putting together "The DPIACTT, DUH!, Weirdly, & Kazoo
Treasury".  It is appropriately called, "Reflecmoot".

1.  Aunt Edna waterskis.
2.  Uncle Joe eats prunes.
3.  Chipmunk eyeballs make good stew.
4.  Good stew sinks in water.
5.  Water is made of wet stuff.
6.  Wet stuff kills people.

Conclusion:  Aunt Edna and Uncle Joe have been planning to
drop a chipmunk bomb on the mortuary on First Street* for a
long time.  Fortunately, John Hancock shot them down with a
kazoo.  The end.

Commentary by DP:  What the heck?

XX:  Pickles?  Yes, please.

*NOTE:  When XX wrote this, she *meant* to write "First
Street", but instead wrote "First First".  Needless to say,
it was pretty funny.

---------
Once again, it's time for our favorite section in FME, aptly titled:

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************

It's time for another excursion into Potato Land!!!

It's a grey Thanksgiving Day in Potato Land.  Clouds mask the mountain
outside our Western window.  Beautiful Black Lab Ebbie has become a lady in
waiting as she stands smack dab in the middle of Great Northern Road,
longin' for some handsome male canine to come callin'. She'll be callin' on
the vet here pretty soon.
  We've already nibbled homegrown bacon, and Potato Land hashbrowns are
sizzlin' on the grill.  Exploding tiger kitty Malcolm lounges on his
kitchen throne, hoping for a handout.  College guy,  William the III, is
stretched out on the sofa watching the CBS segment on James Bond, while the
forester, William the II reads the fat pre-shop-til-you-drop-day newspaper.
Potatoland Free Net Queen Annie, snoozes in her room down the hallway.
Black Rambo and Baby Horse are pacin' the barnyard wishin' for pocket
girdle lady to come throw 'em some timothy.
  It's a laid-back lazy day for giving thanks.  Thanks for the great life
in potato land.  Thanks for family.  Thanks for all carrots and cabbage and
Walla Walla sweets and, of course, red russets that thrived in this year's
garden.  Thanks for a year of memories, including a trip to the Big Apple,
the Liberty Bell and Bubba's place. Thanks for the Pocket Girdle following.

Thanks for lots of days of fun, friends (especially email buddies)  and new
experiences.  And, of course, thanks to Farm Macheenery (exploding) for the
forum to say thanks.

May your spuds go thud in the mud.
PG

---------

This Dumb Poetry comes from Quixotic Quack.

*-----*
Life.
~~~~~

It's a living,
I don't care much for giving.
It's when I try to take
A slice of the late cake
that I find
somewhere in my mind
I think
therefore I am
but others should not
so they would not eat my cake.
*-----*

Quixotic Quack

Our next bit of advice comes from Alicia, XX's email/lunch pal.

Helpful tip:
problem: you have new, white carpet in your house,
and a belligerent relative won't take his boots off.
XX's solution:  When he's not looking, slip magnets into his boots,
and suck them off his feet, with a powerful electromagnet.
(Thanks to Alicia, for inspiring this idea)

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

Psychiatrist
------------

"Tell me about your father"
no, I just want to pop popping paper
"Tell me about your mother"
no, I just want to pop popping paper
pop. pop. pop.
"Tell me about your childhood"
no, I just want to pop popping paper
I JUST want to POP POPping paper.
Can't you live with that?

XX&DP

*********

Dying words of Buzzy the Bee
----------------------------

buzzbuzzbuzzbuzzzzzzz
buzz...buzz...
buzz...
WHACK!!!!

XX

*********

Snickers
--------

Teetering
at the top of the phone pole
Tottering
at the top of the phone pole
Backing-up,
inchworm-style,
to hiss
and spit
at the cat on the ground

XX

*********

Profound
--------

Wisdom.
Weevils.

XX

*******************
And now, for a short movie script,
written by the always demented XX

"Pspeed"

(The title reflects a new grammar rule we came up with,
that each word starting with s ought to have a p before it)

scene:an old warehouse

June Bugg: What am I going to do, George??  If I don't
keep removing spleens at the rate of one per hour, a bomb,
hidden in this warehouse is going to explode!!!

George: Let's go to Disneyland!

scene: Disneyland: a huge, renegade accountant has dropped
a 1,000,000,000 pound calculator on Disneyland.
June Bugg and George waddle, accordion-like off into the sunset.

Credits roll off the screen and kill the audience.

*******************
And now comes the very, very sad time when we have to say
goodbye to all you readers out there.  However, we don't
*want* to say goodbye, so instead, we are going to say
"elephant".  This idea comes from the tv show "Bobby's World".
DP came up with an icon for elephant, so here it is...  )
Oh, just one more thing, if any of you want copies of past
FME issues emailed to you, just email melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu
with your requests.  This is also the email address for if you
want to subscribe.

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #8
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Melissa.C.Hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper
Renee.F.Elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hello!  This is the intro section.  Aren't you excited??

Yes, this is the intro section, and I am exited!!

CAUTION:  Contents under pressure.  Sudden exposure to intense heat
may cause violent bursting.  Cap may blow off and cause serious eye
injury.

-----------

This is a list of different things the letters
S.O.S. could stand for.  Enjoy!

1.  Stepped-on spider
2.  Spit on St. Louis
3.  Stake out Somalia
4.  Smelly old socks
5.  Squished octopus spleens
6.  Sneaky old snotface
7.  Scream often, spleenbrain
8.  Give me the purple pea

-----------

Howdy, folks.  It's that part of the magazine where we explore
the unusual, usual, and anything else that comes across our path.
This week, we have a commentary by DP entitled "What is a car?"

What is a car?  That question has confused many scholars for a
very long time.  I have the answer.  To define a car, we must
first discuss the different aspects of cars and "notcars".

Cars have gas tanks.  Notcars do not.  Cars have steering wheels.
Notcars do not.  Cars have tires.  Notcars do not.  Therefore,
since cars and notcars are so different, we have come to the
conclusion that notcars are not cars.  Don't start thinking that
cars are notcars, or that notcars are not notcars, because cars
are not notcars, whereas notcars are notcars, since they are
not cars.  If something is a notcar, it is not a car.  If something
is a car, it is not a notcar.  Notcars and cars are not the same.
Cars are cars, not notcars.  Notcars are notcars, not cars.  An
object cannot be a car and a notcar at the same time.  It can,
however, be a notcar and not be a car.  However, a car can be a
not notcar, while a notcar can be a not not notcar.

I hope this essay has been of help to you in figuring out whether
what you have is a car or a notcar.

-----------
Here are some interesting and out-of-the-ordinary
Personal ads...
(note:  these are not REAL personal ads, unless
you live in the fourth demention)
(sorry, but these are all guys- next time
around we'll add some females)

Wisconsin-DWM, 42, 122 lbs
Well Hi!  My name is Frank-
Small man but big heart.
Looking for a petite lady
with resources who suffers
from Turrett's Syndrome.  We
could have such fun together!

Iowa-SWM, 53, 300 lbs
I am Fred.  I would like to
meet a large lady who enjoys
maniacal men.  I have an unusual
talent for bongo drums.
Call soon.

California-SBM, 23, 160 lbs
Cheerful, "mad scientist" type
seeks a lovely lab partner for
late night dissections

Oklahoma-DWM, 35, 190 lbs
Farmer Joe's ma name.  Ah
plan on settlin' down on ma
lovely ranch with Miss Right.
Ma bloody phone hain't been
ringin' for a week and ah'd love
to hear from anyone in Deer Lick, KY.
Let's bring the cows home together.

Kentucky-SWM, 25, 188 lbs
I'm looking for a cute little blonde
to bring me my slippers and cook
my supper.  Hobbies include:
football (watch on tv), flea markets, and
gardening (my friends say I vegitate).  Please
respond.  My name's Dr. Hackenspew.

Mars-SGM(single green martian), 142, 55 lbs
Greetings Earthlings- I'm Ed.  Looking
for evil Earth lady to help carry out plan
to conquer the world.  No dependents please.
I might eat them.

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************

Dear Wise Sage,

Sophie the squirrel, she gave me a whirl, and now I can not see,
for I am so dizzy.  I can't see!  Do I see an optimist, an optician,
an opthamologist?

Clark

Dear Clark,

See a psychiatrist.

Wise Sage

***The Wise Sage has gotten pretty bored lately with no questions
to answer.  Please send your unique, thoughtful questions to
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu.

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************

Hey, if you want your interesting, intelligent article, list, poem,
story, or other such nonsense included here, send them to
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu.

*********

Postcards from Potato Land
by PG

We're bracing for snow here in Potato Land.  Weather forecasters on all
the channels are usin' their new pointin' toys to make magic snowflakes
appear on the map right on top of where we live.

Black Rambo and Baby Horse will be happy cuz they've been sloggin' through
half-foot deep mud the past week.  And Ebony, the beeyoutifal black
Labrador, who's come in from the road, has been gettin' in trouble for
plantin' abstract mud swirls on everbody's pant legs and coat fronts.

It's been so warm.
And how warm has it been?
Well, since ya asked, I'll tell ya.
It's been so warm that those orange twine loops that usually sprout in the
spring around the barnyard have been poppin' up all over.  We hope they
don't grow too much and die, cuz we'd surely miss havin' a crop of them to
trip over next summer.

We need a good snow, cuz it would hide a myriad of bad-looking things that
blend in with the dead grass and the crumpled up leaves.

We're looking forward to snow because snowdrifts are always our banner
crop.  And since our snowblower exploded like all the other farm
macheenery, our neighbor Larry will be happy.  He will harvest the
snowdrifts and stack them up next to the road.  And people will drive by
and wonder if we're still alive in here.
And we'll be real happy because then we'll know the world cares.

PG

May your spuds go thud in the snud!

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

These first 2 poems are quite appropriate
for the cold winter weather we are experiencing
here in Wisconsin...

I don't know
------------

I don't know
Why it happens
It's nothing we can stop.
It comes again.
There are more than one.
Possibly
Two hundred or more.
I cough,
I sneeze,
I cry,
As the cold germs invade my body.

DP

Wisconsin Version of "Little Boy Blue"
--------------------------------------

The pigs got out of the pen
The cows broke the fence
The sheep are in the corn
Where's the boy who
looks after the sheep?
He's under a haystack
Froze to death.

XX

Strawberry
----------

Luscious,
A ripe red strawberry
Hangs from the
Lush green plant
In the middle of a field
In the middle of a farm
in the middle of a town
in the middle of Iowa

XX

Boxer
-----

Pounded.
Pummeled.
Knocked Out.
Punched.
Hit.
Brain damaged.
Dead.

DP

*********

NEW PRODUCT FEATURE!!!

Diddley-Womp Porch Missiles!

Uses:
1.  Cures Twisty Delirium
2.  Rids your yard of Coonzils
3.  Inverts all aardvarks within a 20 mile radius
4.  The explosion of one diddley-womp porch missile
creates 99 Dole banana stickers.
5.  Blowing up farm macheenery, of course!

*********

We here at Farm Macheenery (exploding) came up with a brilliant
(yeah, right) scale to measure....uh, XX, what does it measure?
We never did figure that out.  Oh, well, we'll include it anyway.

THE BARBIE BEDWETTING SCALE

Step 1:  Burn the bed.
Step 2:  Examine the color of the ashes.
Step 3:  Add up the points as follows:

Color           Points

Clear           1
White           2
Yellow          3
Beige           4
Tan             5
Light Brown     6
Medium Brown    7
Brown           8
Dark Brown      9
Black           10

Add 2 points for a Barbie head under the bed.
Add 3 points for a New Kids on the Block poster.
Add 5 points if the bed belongs to a Chia Pet salesman.

*********

The time has come once again to get the heck outta here.  In keeping
with the last issue's ending notes, we will not say goodbye, rather
we will say "elephant".
  )---  <--Elephant head on a stick

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #9
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper
renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Howdy, and welcome again to the online version of Farm Macheenery
(exploding) Magazine!  If you're having difficulty trying to
decide what to get that "special someone" in your life for Christmas,
how about a subscription to Farm Macheenery (exploding)?  It'll keep
them amused all year long, and you won't have to pay anything!!
Well, that ends our intro for this week, so on with the magazine!

DISCLAIMER:
part of this week's fme issue was written in a basement
where the temperature is approximately -50 degrees.  Te-he!
Just kidding.  The temp is maybe 60000 degrees.  Oops.  I mean
40 degrees Fahrenheit.  Brrrrrr.  This cold temp. may be responsible
for freezing our brain cells.  You have been warned!!

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

Coming soon:  The Official Farm Macheenery (exploding) Web Pages!!!
--as soon as DP finishes 'em and sends them to the guys at her
new internet place.  Or something.

*********

INTRODUCING DUMBSPEAK!!!

Some important phrases in Dumbspeak:

"Norin ya Quorin Pooc Hin" means "My best friend stole the hamper"

"Vimp e'roy snickrot" means "I have buried my uncle's earwax"

"Snip snip snip" means "My business associate has a plaster
clarinet on his wall"

"Fink j'ello whoopa diz" means "Our guest has clogged the toilet again"

"Ki wok e newt hin" means "My best friend ate the hamper"

*********

Follow these directions:

Go down First Street until you come to the squat green house and
turn left, then go due east for one mile until you reach Snich
River.  Then get out of your car and swim to the other side.
Leave your left sock in the river and take the trail to Boop's
Cabin.  The problem is, you wanted to get to the Eiffel Tower.

--XX was inspired by Dave Barry's writing
to write these delightful directions. If you haven't
read any of Dave Barry's books, go get a copy, but
be sure to have Kleenex, because you might start crying if you
laugh too hard!!

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************

wISE sAGE,

mY CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS BROKEN AND i CAN'T FIX IT.  dO YOU HAVE ANY
SUGGESTIONS FOR ME?

cAPLESS IN kALAMAZOO

Dear cAPLESS,

My suggestion to you is- buy a new computer.  Ha-ha!  Just kidding.  If you
can't fix your caps lock button any other way, follow these three steps...
1) Glare maniacally at your keyboard
2) Pound on it with your fist
3) Repeat steps 1 and 2 until the problem is fixed,
   or until your hand falls off

Wise Sage

Wise Sage,

Everytime I try to submit a "Dear Wise Sage" letter, my modem
breaks and my carrier is dropped.  What can I do to prev...

NO CARRIER

Dear NO CARRIER,

It's funny, but when I tried responding to your letter, my computer just
locked up, and I couldn't offer you any sugges...

Wise Sage

--If you have any questions that keep you up at night, wondering...
  ask the Wise Sage!  Email renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu with
  your questions:-)

***************

And now, for DP's and XX's 10 ideas on what Hell could be, other than
fire and brimstone... (with occasional ideas being tossed in by the
deranged, tortured, twisted, depraved Marvin the Magnificent)

1)  Being locked in a very small room with just
    a tv.  The tv would show continuous "Barney" videos
    forever and ever..."I love you, you love me..."
    Aaaaah!
1.5)Having to watch Brady Bunch episodes forever and ever
    (this idea originates from Marvin the Magnificent's spleen)
2)  Having the enter key on your keyboard stuck.
3)  Being in a neverending cueue line that goes
    nowhere
4)  The neverending root canal.
5)  Two words...Ford Granada (this idea comes
    from the tortured mind of Marvin the Magnificent)
6)  Trying to run Windows on a Mac (this idea also
    comes from the tortured, twisted mind of Marvin
    the Magnificent)
7)  Being forced to attend country music and polka
    festivals every day for eternity!!!!!!  Hahahaha!
    (...but DP & her brother have it in their blood and
    can't help but sorta like polka!!)   Having every week of the year be "finals week"
    (for all college students, and former college students, you
    can appreciate the horror of this scenario)
9)  Being hired by a large airline company to clean all
    airplanes in the fleet with...a...toothbrush!!! (this idea also also
    inspired by the ummmm... for lack of a better word-
    mind of Marvin the Magnificent)
10) Never ever ever ever being able to read FME again!!!

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************

Postcards from Potato Land

Potato Land is calm today.  The sky is blue.  The frogs are croakin'
beneath the house.  It's cold.  Dust is flyin' every time a green dump
truck passes by.  The purple banner of Love from Cowtown, New Jersey, is
blowin' in the wind.  How many years must a banner blow?  The answer, my
friends, is for only God and you to know.
 We're astute philosophers in Potato Land.  We have our favorite sayin's
like "only fools and newcomers predict the weather in Potato Land" or a
"cow is a cow is a cow unless she's a sow.  And if she's a sow, she ain't
no good to plow."
Of course, who can plow now,  Brown cow?
School kids and teachers are all mad here at the home of the Potato High
Spuds cuz we got short-changed on the Christmas vacation.  Just one week.
Everybody's grousin' and moanin' and moanin' and grousin'.
So's if you all could send us some Christmas cheer, we might just send you
some hash browns.
Next week, we'll talk about Potato Guns.  Til then.

May your spuds go thud in the mud.
PG

From someone named AA...

"12 FL OZ"

Cream and crimson cylinder
Coca-cola can
In a thousand years someone may dig thee up
And think thee Ancient Art.

AA

Submitted by The Other One...

This is a REAL personal ad listed in the New York Review of Books...

Petite, attractive, intelligent WSF, 30, fond of music, theatre, books,
travel, seeks warm affectionate, fun-loving man to share life's pleasures
with view to lasting relationship. Send photograph. Please no biochemists.

--Submit your original stories, poems or whatever else
  to "The Section Where Other People Write" by
  emailing melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

IMPORTANT NOTICE:  "Snop" is the official "bad word" of FME.

Snop
----

snow
in my shoes
snow
up my nose
snow
down my pants
snop...
snow
in my earholes
snow
in your face
snow
thrown by me
snow
zooming thru the window screen
snow
formed to resemble Ross Perot
snow......................................
snop.

XX & DP & MM

The High-tech Redneck song
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My text is purple...
my enter key is stuck...
my fingers are freezing...

and there goes my enter key again...
and my brother's beating on his monitor...
so the text isn't purple anymore...
oh woe is me...
oh...
snop.
and my text is purple again...

DP

Cheeto Gravity
--------------

Marvin says the earth sucks
Cheetos drop from my fingers...
Bink!
Oreo* slurps them up.
Slurp. Slllllllurp. Sly.
snop

XX, DP
(and fresh bananas)
(and credit to Marvin the Magnificent's
 pancreas for the first line)

*Oreo is DP & MM's dog.

***************
We hope you've enjoyed this week's FME!
To subscribe to Farm Macheenery (Exploding),
email melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu

Unfortunately, now we have to end this week's
compilation of XX and DP's collective brilliance:-)
So...in keeping with our last 2 issues-
Elephant!
}:?) <----elephant dressed as a reindeer

Read more »

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #10
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu alias DP or Dr. Pepper or Melvan
renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This is the official Christmas Issue of Farm Macheenery
(exploding), unless of course you don't celebrate Christmas-
then this can be the official (Insert holiday you celebrate) Issue
of Farm Macheenery (exploding).

--------------

Hello, FME readers!

As we have been writing this mind-stimulating
ezine for a couple months now, we want to know
what YOU think about FME!
We want your input, so we can bust up your
responses into tiny bits and hurl them out
into cyberspace. Hahaha!  Just kidding.
We really want to know what you think, so here's
a few questions for you all...

1)  What is your favorite section of FME?
    Why?

2)  What do you think we should add to FME?
3)  What do you think we should do to improve FME?
4)  Why are oranges orange?

Please send all replies to renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu
Thankya, thankya!

------------
And now...we have the results of the survey from Issue #6!
Once again we had soooo many replies that we had to stay
awake, night and day for a week to read them all!  Zzzzz...
No, really we would like to thank the two people that took
the time to reply to our survey.  And the rest of you--
Your computers are going to self-destruct if you don't reply
to surveys in the future.  Computers (exploding). Hahahaha!
Well...here's those results.

1.  What is your favorite (made-up) name for an
    alternative band?
    a.  Psycho Auctioneer
    b.  I.M.A. Booger
    c.  Spleen Demons
    d.  Forty-five Oatflakes--100%

Comments:
d) 45 Oatflakes could be an alternative for eating (i.e. you die if you
try), so why not make it the name of a band that kills music.

2.  Why is Barney the Dinosaur purple?
    a.  Why ask why?
    b.  Because some careless child
        spilled grapejuice on him
    c.  Because Smurfs were blue, so
        they had to use another color this time--50%
***The other 50% answered "yes".

Comments:
C) I hate smurfs. Especially the blue ones. But I hate purple even more, so
that should be the colour of something even more silly. Watch MTV's `the Maxx'
just once, and you know why purple is silly.

3.  Which of the following 3 word combinations
    appeals most to you?
    a.  Farm, Macheenery, Exploding--50%
    b.  plop, plop, plop--50%
    c.  weevil, termite, politician
    d.  idiotic, weedwhacker, hoopla

Comments:
A) If you ever go to an actual farm don't forget to check out all the kewl
macheenery. There is only ONE farm machine that *REALY* _sucks_, and should be
blown up. The milking machine.

4.  What will you find at the end of the rainbow?
    a.  Judy Garland
    b.  Lucky the Leprachaun
    c.  a mud puddle
    d.  a treasure chest full of back issues of fme
***50% answered "true".

Comments:
E) A stupid smurf with his purple dino. Some tomatos, some
buddists and finally some super grass.--50%

5.  Do you believe in spontaneous human combustion?
    a.  Yes
    b.  No
    c.  I believe in it for a fact,
        since there are flames shooting out my ears.
    d.  All of the above.--100%

Comments:
D) Have you been watching BIONET.GENERAL?

Answer:  No, we haven't.  Is that some soap opera?  

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu with your questions

A sad note:  The Wise Sage is dead.

Not really.  The Wise Sage went on vacation because none of
you guys sent any letters this week.

---------
A conversation between XX & DP:
**Note:  This conversation took place at DP's house on paper
as an interesting addition to the second ever issue of the offline
version of Farm Macheenery (exploding).

DP:  Hi, XX.

XX:  Say the word "conversation" 30 times and watch it turn
     to mush.

DP:  Hmmm...

XX:  Mmmmmh...

DP:  Coke bottles are cool.

XX:  Pina-pinapple* is just smashed Smarties in H2O.

DP:  PinEapple.  Smashed Smarties in H2SO4.

XX:  Buy my new Dimwit Cookies!

DP:  Sure, OK. Just don't eat pasta at Pizza Hut while I'm
     working, or I shall blow thine innards to bits...in thy
     mercy.**

XX:  ...and fruit bats**...

DP:  ...and breakfast cereals**...

XX:  ...and fresh bananas

DP:  What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?**

XX:  answer:  zero if the sparrow's dead.

DP:  What about Bob?

XX:  He's dead too--he baby-stepped off a cliff.

DP:  Vomit?  Vomit?  We don't need no steenking vomit!***

XX:  Oh--go poop on a cord!

DP:  Remember the "cord snorgees"?

XX:  You betcha!  Blow bubbles for world peace.

DP:  Wimble Borg Oompus Electrus or bust!

XX:  bang.  boom.  bleen.

DP:  Boo-hoo!  The page is over!

*a flavor of Kool-aid
**these lines are adapted from a movie called "Monty Python
and the Holy Grail"
***an adaptation of a line from "UHF", where Raul says "Badgers?
   Badgers?  We don't need no steenking badgers!"

---------

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu

Postcards from Potato Land

We're getting spud drops and spud spritz ready for Santa.  Quiet Saturdays
when everyone else is snoozing with visions of sugar spuds in their head
make for good times in the kitchen.  Celtic Christmas favorites on the CD
player create a proper mood for stirring festive mixtures in stainless
steel bowls.  Just need some white frosting on the ground outside to
complete a perfect scene.

Too much to do in Potato Land.  We have flurries here, but not the snow
kind.  Ours are flurries of desperate natives knowing that G-day is fast
approaching and gift grabbing is far from complete.  It'll be a jungle out
there in the malls and the shops.

The quiet of home, the kitchen, soft Celtic sounds provides a peaceful
sanctuary.

Sorry about no silliness from Potato Land.  This Christmas stuff becomes
serious business when there's too much to do and so little time.

Here's wishing all of you lots of powdered sugar, gum drops,  scotch tape,
UPS trucks and ribbon that really does curl.

Back to spud spritz and potato harps.

May your red and green spuds go thud in the mud.

PG

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------
Next week's issue may be late.
If you go into FME withdrawal, here are our suggestions for
you...
1)  Read the back issues over and over until
    your eyes bug out
2)  Stay tuned for the official Farm Macheenery
    (exploding) web pages, where you can read
    back issues, DPIACTT, and other great stuff
    until your eyes, once again, bug out
3)  Buy some old, broken-down Farm Macheenery,
    put it out in the middle of a field, and set
    fire to it.*
4)  Rent the movie UHF starring Weird Al Yankovic.
    That's a great movie.  Be sure to rent it if you
    want to know what a "Twinkie weiner sandwich" is.

*Note:  The FME writers are not responsible for the
        consequences, if you actually *do* this!!

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

This first poem is something that DP & her brother came up
with one night many years ago while waiting in the car for
their parents.  A new version of "Deck the Halls".

Deck the halls with poison ivy
fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be naughty
fa la la la la, la la la la
Break the windows, slash the tires
fa la la, la la la, la la la
Set an old man's house on fire
fa la la la la, la la la la

These next poems come from the offline edition of FME...

"Identity Crisis"

Are you
my pituitary gland?

XX

"The Answer"

Yes
I am
your
pituitary
gland.

DP

"Identity Crisis II"

I want to be
an Oscar Mayer Weiner.

XX

"Identity Crisis III"

So do
I.

DP

"Identity Crisis IV"

I want to be
an
Identity Crisis.

XX

"Conclusion"

Gesundheit.
Fanny.
Weaselspit.

DP

"Identity Crisis, the sequel"

Bang-bang.
I'm dead.

XX

"Continued"

Brush my teeth
and go to bed.

DP

------------

       /
      /**       Sorry, folks, but this is the end of FME for this
     /****      week.  To all of our college student subscribers,
    /******     good luck on your finals!  And to everyone, merry
   /********    Christmas to you and yours from us and ours.
  /**********
       ||
  :):):):):):):):):):):):):)

To subscribe to Farm Macheenery (exploding)
magazine, email melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu

Send all general comments to either
melissa.c.hoffmeyer@uwrf.edu
        or
renee.f.elrod@uwrf.edu

Watch this space for the URL for the Official Farm
Macheenery (exploding) Web Page!

This document is copyright 1995 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people,
in which case the copyright belongs to the original author.
Feel free to distribute this document far and wide, as long
as it is not changed in any way.

Read more »