^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #70 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:  "Wayne lies like a booger on a tie!  I saw more rain
when i was on the ark ten years ago!"
(a cook at melvan's Pizza Hut, after someone told him it was "monsooning"
outside)

From an email from melvan to eener...

I was playing with an anagram generator tonight, and found the following:

Big green thing --> 	Bring the egg in

Dumb ugly witch -->	Club. THUD. My wig!
			Dug with my club

What the hick -->	Whack the hit
			Itch the hawk

=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= OH SNOP!! =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

life's little annoyances...

by, eener

Last Wednesday, I came home from work around 4 A.M.  (yeah, I have a
really weird evening shift!  I guess that's what I get for having a low
seniority.  I really wish I could at least have midnight shift where I get
off at seven in the morning- that's the shift my fiance Darin has, plus
you get more daylight that way!  But that's another "oh snop" all
together!  But I like my job, so I guess I can live with it...working for
an airline, you get free flights and all!  That brings to mind all the
cool places I've traveled...but you don't really want to hear about that,
do you?  You're probably wondering if you get airline discounts because
you subscribe to fme!!  Well, unfortunately you don't...but you get lots
of wonderful humor in this FABULOUS publication!! Oh my...I'm certainly
digressing, ain't I??!  Well...back to the story...by the way, this is the
end of the parenthetical statement)  To get back to the story here...I
drove into the parking lot at the condos, and there was a loud alarm on
the building that was going off.  My immediate reaction to this was
"EEEeeeKk!  What does this alarm mean??"  I was freaking out, wondering if
it was a burgular alarm or something.  I scooted over to the door and
unlocked it and looked around.  I didn't see any people in there, but
there was water EVERYWHERE!  Turns out the alarm that was going off was a
fire alarm.  Shortly after I arrived, some firemen came and looked around,
trying to find a fire.  Apparently there was no fire!  What happened was
the sprinkler system in the condo above ours broke and flooded the place.
The water flooded through our ceiling...came through wherever it
could...light fixtures, vents, you name it!  It was flooded in several
rooms.  In fact, the ceiling in one of the bedrooms was so saturated, that
part of it ended up falling down later on in the day.  ("Honey...the
ceiling just fell down...")  I freaked out and called Darin, who was still
at work at around 4 A.M. when it happened.  He buzzed home right after I
called him.  We went to work with wet/dry vacuums and tried to suck up
some water, but it didn't really do much good.  Like our neighbor said,
"it's like taking out a thimblefull, compared to the water in there!"  We
ended up having a company come and suck out the water, rip up the
carpet...and later on remove all the furniture, etc.  We've been in a
hotel since last Wednesday.  And get this...guess when my mom's scheduled
vacation to Atlanta to visit us was???  You got it!  Last Wednesday!  I
went to pick her up at the airport and told her our condo was
flooded...heh heh...welcome to Atlanta, mom!  We still ended up having a
good time though.  I guess I've rambled on long enough, so on with the
rest of the 'zine!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= As the Tractor Burns... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

STARRING:

Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

Guest Starring:
Weird Alex - as Qaz1

This week on ATTB, the plot makes even less sense than usual.  But what
else would you expect from Weird Alex?

I.M.:  So, what do you think?
Esmerelda:  I dunno, what do you think?
I.M.:  Well, what do you think?
Esmerelda:  I have NO idea.
Howard: (shooting a gun into the air) Is there any point to this
conversation?
I.M.:  Is there ever a point to any conversation here?
Qaz1:  CUT!  (long pause for effect)  Look, I'm writing this this week,
so I want you all to behave for me or else... understand? (Throws down
clipboard with frustration)
(The various characters exchange blank glances)
I.M.:  Look, it wasn't my glove...
Qaz1:  That does it...
(I.M. disappears)
Howard:  Whose woods these are, I think I know, his house is in
the village though.  He will not see me stopping here to watch his woods
fill up with snow.
Qaz1:  Look... I'm sick of this... ok... umm... how about we do a musical?
Cast:  WHAT?
Qaz1:  You heard me, a musical.  How about an As The Tractor Burns salute
to Andrew Lloyd Webber?  "The Phantom of The Farm Tractor"... Esmerelda,
you are Christine,  Howard, you're the Phantom, and... uhh... I.M.
disappeared... uhh.... Raul, you can be Raoul (I know it's a stretch, but
work with me buddy) and Buffy, you can be Carlotta. Al: you get to be the
narrator, ok?
Al:  Allllllllrighty then.
(The house lights dim, and some eerie bluegrass music fades in)
Al:  Lot Five-Hundred Fifty-five, then, an old beat-up John Deere, in
pieces.  It's said that there's a ghost in the ol' tractor, but me, I
don't beleive it.  Maybe, if there is a ghost, we could frighten it away,
with a little car-bur-a-tion, gentlemen?
(Eerie organ music fuses with the bluegrass for a rather spooky overall
effect, as the tractor sputters to life; then for some unknown reason we
cut to a stage where Christine is rehearsing her big production number
for the school musical.)
Esmerelda:  (Singing)  Think of these, think of these tractors when you
say goodbye, Remember these, remember these fondly, promise me you'll
try... we start with White, New Holland, and then Case, and then we move
on to some Fords, if you think of these old tractors, you'll never be
bored...
(Qaz1 has a blank look on his face as he realizes he's created a monster)
Raul: (Singing)  Can this be?  Can this be Christine?  No way, no way!
Esmerelda:  (Still singing) And on that day, that not-so-distant day when
all these tractors' engines seize, will you ever take a moment to stop
and think of these!
(Suddenly Esmerelda is accosted by the Phantom of the Farm Tractor (we
can tell it's him because of the really cheesy mask he's wearing, made
from the body of a beat-up International Harvester) and for some unknown
reason they begin to sing a duet (accompanied by slide guitar, 80's
synths, and pipe organ).)
Esmerelda:  In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came, there with his big
green thing, don't know his name, but yet he sings to me, and sounds so
kind.  The Phaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaantom of the Farm Tractor is there,
inside my mind...
Howard:  In all your fantasies, you always knew, Landinis, Kubotas, were
meant for you, Massey & Ferguson, make one combine!  The Phaaaaaaaantom
of the Farm Tractor is here, inside your mind! Sing for me my angel!
Esmerelda:  (sings repeatedly)  He's there, the Phantom of Farm
Tractors!  Beware the Phantom of Farm Tractors!
(we see Howard urging Esmerelda to new heights of song, until she
shatters the windshield of an enclosed cab tractor on the side of the set)
Esmerelda: Oh snop.
(At this point, Buffy wanders on in a big snit)
Buffy:  (whining) It's no fair!  She gets all the singing parts and me,
all I get is this stupid role as a stupid whining person who doesn't get
to song... hang on, isn't that what I'm doing?  WAAAAAAAH!  Qaz1
typecasted me! (sobs vehemently)
Al:  (Singing) Prima Donna!  First lady of the plough!  Your devotee is
on one knee to adore you!  Can you deny me the furrows in store, see how
the fields all wait for you...
(suddenly a hook comes on stage and pulls both off, since they dropped
well below even the writer's standards!)
(we cut to the sequence where Raul and Esmerelda sing a lover's duet at
the end of act 1)
Raul:  (singing) Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Esmerelda:  (singing) Plough with me and I will follow you
Raul:  (singing) Make this old John Deere sing it's sweet melody
Howard:  (bursting onto the stage)  (singing) You will curse the day
you did not do all that the Phantom asked of you!  (really, really, really
cheesy bluegrass/organ music for about 30 seconds)  Go!!!!!!!!!!
(A large, green tractor we recall from the opening of the play suddenly
sputters to life and rolls over the entire cast, killing them, then
attacks the musicians, and finally, the scriptwriter.  After all are
dead, the lights click on and this is)
CAST:  THE END!
Qaz1:  Wow, even I didn't realize I could write that badly...
(The rest of the cast give qaz1 a bottle of Dr. Pepper)
Al:  Thanks!  That was fun!
(everyone laughs)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  URGENT FME NEWS  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Attention...Weird Alex has recorded some of his parodies!  It includes
"Lost the Bot", "Playdoh", "Skiing Hills" "Spam Rap", and 11 more!  If
you're interested in a copy of this tape, check

http://badger.ac.brocku.ca/~ak95ah/order.html

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Wise Sage  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com

Dear Wise Sage,

Is there any truth to the conspiracy that FME actually stands for
"Fabulous Melvan & Eener"?

Signed, a To-remain-unnamed Biscuit Head

Dear Biscuit head,

Actually "FME" stands for "fermented Malaysian eggplants."

Wise Sage

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to
melvan@wildstar.net

Flood
-----
By Weird Alex
Based (loosely) on Flood by Jars of Clay

Pain splayed cross my face
Haven't flushed the toilet for days
My toilet, it floods
And slowly my room, it turns into mud

Chorus:
And if I can't flush after 40 days
And the plumbing cracks as the pressures raise
Get me out real quick so alive I'll stay
Get me out oh...
Get me out!
It's grimy and smelly
Get me out!
I'm weak and I'm dying
Get me out!
Need someone to hold me
Get me out!
And keep me from drowning in here

Downpour on the sole
Of my best shoes from the place of the hole
In the old toilet tank
Now the toilet floods and my apartment is rank

Chorus

Stop the water from my room
Staunch the streams still flowing
Rescue me from in my doom
Of toilets overflowing...

Chorus to fade...

-----

The following is another parody...eener told the writer that she wanted to
put it in FME, to which he responded:  "Well, I'll leave it to your
discretion ... though I can't help but ponder the ramifications on
civilization as we know it ... *giggle*"

=================================
Big Green Thing
(tune: Newsboys' "Real Good Thing")
=================================

When we see something being waved,
it's a big green thing, a big green thing
When we don't see what's being waved,
it's a big green thing, a big green thing

Lost your tissues, now you find
You need some way to clear your mind

Trim your hairs and toss your hanky
Wave your thing at all things skanky
Keen idea, the only thing er's
You lose respect when you use your fingers

When we see something being waved,
it's a big green thing, a big green thing
When we don't see what's being waved,
it's a big green thing, a big green thing

Friends are looking -- don't be seen
Waving something ... big and green

Honk and peek or pick a winner
Best have other plans for dinner
If the others give you grief
Better park it here on my handkerchief

When we see something being waved ...

=================================
author's note: what can I say? I had a sinus infection when I wrote it...)
=================================

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Untitled #32
------------

Hisssssssss....
Grrrrrrrrr.....
scritchscritch...
Hisssssssss....
Grrrrrrrrrrr....
The cat
HATES
the vet.

the caffeine goddess,
eener

Untitled #912
-------------

Oh my goodness
I've enrolled in college classes
and stopped attending in the
middle
of the semester
I'm lazy
Toss...turn...
I suddenly realize how
not attending is giong to
totally
mess
up
my grade point average
toss...turn...
I go to the campus and try...
try
to find the classes
I'm enrolled in...
I can't at first.  Finally
I find one.
The professer says
"Welcome back...I haven't seen you
in a long time!"
Toss...turn....
What a weird dream.
But at least it didn't involve
the picnic basket of death.

eener, once again

----

The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh
bananas.

Read more »

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #71 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

"This is the beginning of the magazine."--quote from melvan, well-known
collector of deodorant containers.

I AM NOT!!!

****Thrilling, ain't it???****

(eener likes putting asterisks on either side of things like that)

Welcome to Farm Macheenery!!  ****insert flashing neon lights here****

eener is in Wisconsin this weekend, visiting melvan!  Whee!  eener's been
draging melvan all around River Falls this morning doing wedding planning.
Photographers...cake bakers....reception sites....fresh bananas....

P.S.  Have you ever wondered why "Arkansas" is pronounced "Arkansaw" and
Kansas isn't pronounced Kansaw??

=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= OH SNOP!! =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

life's little annoyances...

by eener.

If you folks read last week's episode of "Oh Snop" you know that eener was
eaten alive by a huge chunk of chemically imbalance Spam.  No really.
More like flooded out of home and so living in a hotel currently.  (by now
you're probably thinking...sheesh, would she please get to the POINT?)
okay, so here's the oh snop for this week.

My mom visited me recently, at the same time Darin and I got flooded out
of our condo due to a wacked out sprinkler system.  One of the days mom
was there (easter, to be exact), we wanted to go shopping at bridal
places, etc.  We jaunted off to the shopping mall....got to the parking
lot......empty.  Maybe one or two cars.  Hmmm......something is wrong.
It's easter, ferpete'ssake!!!  It hadn't occurred to either of us that
everything would be closed.  Doh!!  The end.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= As the Tractor Burns... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

STARRING:

Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

Last week, Qaz1 wrote us a hilarious parody of "Phantom of the Opera!"  If
you all haven't read it yet...You've gotta!!!

This week...join us as we...............

This week...join us as we........................................

eener screams:  I"ve got it!  ARghhh...I hate it when a quotation mark
comes up instead of an apostrophe....let's do "Gone with the Wind!"

eener:  Otay...let's do it!

This week...join us as we parody "Gone With the Wind".

Narrator:  Hello.  My name is Izzy.  I'll be your narrator this evening.
Buffy:  Oh great.  We have a narrator named Izzy.
Producer:  Places, everyone!!!!
I.M.:  Uh...where do I go?
Producer:  I don't care.  Just go somewhere.
Esmerelda:  I want to be Scarlett!!
Producer:  okay, you can be Scarlett...now...who will be Rhett.....Howard!
I think that'll be your part.
Howard:  Uhhh....does that mean I have to *kiss* Esmerelda?  Eeeeww!
Producer:  Al, you get to be Ashley, the man Scarlett is really in love
with....Buffy, you be Melanie, Ashley's cousin who bugs the heck out of
Scarlett.  Um..who am I missing?
Raul:  AHEM
I.M.:  Hrrrrrmph!
Producer:  Oh, okay- Raul, you can be....the sound effects person and
I.M., you can be Aunt PittyPat.
I.M.:  WHAT????!!!  I quit.
(I.M. walks off the stage)
Producer:  Ok.  Fine.  Let's just get going on this, ok??
Esmerelda:  Hey wait a minute...haven't we already done 2 plays already
already?  And we screwed 'em both up pretty bad.  Nobody follows their
lines...
Al:  So?
Esmerelda:  Nothing.
Producer:  Okay...scene one!  Take one!

The scene is a beautiful Southern mansion.  The camera zooms in on
Esmerelda who is sitting on the front porch.

Producer:  ***Suddenly realizing***  OH no!  We forgot to cast someone in
Mammy's role!!!  Who's going to be Mammy?  Go get I.M.!

Narrator:  HEY!  I haven't gotten to say anything yet!
Producer:  *sigh*  Scene one!  Take two!

The scene is a beautiful Southern mansion.  The camera once again zooms in
on Esmerelda...and then zooms in closer to Esmerelda's eyes, which she is
rolling.

Esmerelda:  Let's start this play tomorrow.  Because tomorrow is another
day.....
Howard:  Frankly my dear, I don't give a flying fig.
Al:  Figs fly?  Hmm....Figs Fly in Fred's Face...
Narrator:  I'm going to get a word in before we END THIS THING!!!!!!
Word.
I.M.:  When figs fly!

THE END?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A recommendation from eener:  amusement parks!  I recently acquired a six
flags season pass, since I now live in Atlanta.  Roller coasters are
fabyouuuluss!  I love hills.  BIG hills.  Loops are okay, but just not as
fabbbbyyyyouluss as hills. BIG hills.  Big biggggg hills.  The ones that
make you feel like your stomach took a left turn at Albuquerque.  eener
does admit: the free fall ride at six flags still scares me though!  Whee!
I mean...they bring you up to the top of this HUGE tower...hold you
there...you wait...in anticipation...and POW they drop you straight down.
Eeeeeeeek!  I will go on it though.  Sometime this summer, I hope to make
it over to California.  At the six flags there, they have a roller coaster
type ride that gets up to 100 mph!  It's another one of those freaky
straight drops though.  Luckily my fiance Darin is a roller coaster phreek
too!  Speaking of my fiance, just thought I'd let you all know...we're
getting married August 30th!  Feel free to send us extravagant gifts!
(tee hee!)  ***end of babbling by eener*** (for now)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  URGENT FME NEWS  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Note from melvan:  we got new spatulas at work!!! woohoo!!!
(sorry, but when you work at a restaurant, you get overly excited about
little things like that)
Not only that, but we finally have a toilet paper dispenser in the
employee bathroom!  The sink still doesn't work, but at least we have a
toilet paper dispenser!
(don't worry, there ARE other sinks in the building, and we DO wash our
hands)

note from eener:  No WONDER that pizza tasted so weird....

note from melvan: eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Wise Sage  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com

O, Wise sage,

I am a worried student.  Is there any way I could gain some of your
knowledge and wisdom so that I may survive this school year?  Is there
something I can buy or something I can do which could guarentee success?

Sincerely, Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Two words.
Duct
tape.

Wise Sage

***The Wise Sage apologizes for any unanswered questions you might have
sent her.  Currently, the main computer she uses is dismantled due to a
broken sprinkler system and the whole incident involved in that...she is
using a laptop at the moment...and doesn't have all the questions readily
available!  They will be answered ASAP*** (gosh, those asterisks are
pretty****  *  *)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to
melvan@wildstar.net

***Important Editor's Note***

Attention!  Last week we included a marvelous piece of writing entitled
"BGT Parody," and we forgot to include the author's name.  (doh!)  We just
wanted you all to know that melvan has a plaster clarinet on her wall.  No
really....the author of that piece was our wunnerful fiend...er
friend...fadeaway!

Actually, this is from Benjamin Parsons.Scandalon's little bro.  I'm A
HUGEMONGOUSASOMEGREAT fan of Farm Macheenery Exploding, escpecially As the
Tractor Burns.  The following poems are a sample of my, skeeter's,
insanity.  By the way did eener's name get taken from machEENERy?

Soap

In shower
slippery
slimy
flops from hands
hits foot
bounces
out of tub
slides out
front door
naked
running after
slimy
soap
it stops
in street
WHAMMMMM!
you're
hit by a
Mac Truck

Skeeter

---------
Cat

Fury fuzzy
fat lazy
always
hungry
lover
of tuna
I try
to pet
no more
fingers
he likes
finger food
walking
stomach
claws
teeth
fur
cat

Skeeter

That's all I have "write" now.
NODANGCATOWWWWWWWAUMMMFGHFDHDDGHHHHHHHHHHELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!
I"M GOING INSANYYYYYYY, OHhhh that reminds me of another poem,

Happy Jacket

warm strong
one sleeve
i get to
hug myself
wierd people
wear it
every night
makes me
happy

(Break to Silage):
[I'm so darn,
really stinkin happy.
I'll pick some daisies,
put 'em in my hair and act crazy]

favorite
pastime
get to hold
hands
with
me

Skeeter

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Untitled #wutg
--------------

melvan
hates it
when
i accuse her
of having
a deodorant container
collection.
special.

eener

Untitled #2387461238947512639847512347126354
--------------------------------------------

eener
always
mentions
my
nonexistent
deodorant container
collection.
ahem.

melvan

Untitled #00000000001
---------------------

melvan lies.
she is addicted to
collecting empty deodorant
containers.
i've seen them.
i've seen them.
the first stage is
denial.
denial.
denial.

eener

Yeah right.
-----------

eener lies.
i have 2 containers
on my dresser
and they're
both
new
straight
from
wal mart.
so there.

melvan

Fudge cookies
-------------

So what
melvan still has
a plaster clarinet on
her
wall.

eener

Spleen.
-------

that's right.
i happen
to
like
my
plaster clarinet.
so what
if it
broke
once...

melvan

The end
-------

THE
END

this wonderful ending poem
has been created by eener...
sponsored in part by....
The letter T...the letter H...the letter E...
the letter N...the letter D...and the number...
oh forget it.

NOT the end
-----------

42.

melvan, who's been reading "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" lately.

Fudge Cookies #2
-----------------

Uh oh.
I started a poem.
Intending for it to be a really
really really
witty ending poem for this 'zine.
The only problem is...
I can't come up with a single witty thing
to say...

it's istanbul, not constantinople.

eener and melvan

----

The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh
bananas.

Read more »

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #72 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

G'day everyone!!  We would like to welcome you to this week's Fme, which
has been lovingly hand-crafted and constructed in Hong Kong.  (Hong Kong?
We've never even been there...hmm.....)

At this time, we would like to invite you all to join us as we celebrate
cultural diversity.  Um...we're all different.  Some of us like to blow
our noses on kleenexes.  Some prefer toilet paper.  Some will even use
paper towels.  This is what makes the world so interesting today.  So as
you go out into this exciting world...don't squeeze the Charmin!

THIS WEEK'S POLITICALLY CORRECT STATEMENT:  This issue was written two
days before Earth Day.  Aren't you impressed?

**W A R N I N G**

Attention!  The writers are either running low on creative juices or have
been inhaling pixi stix dust or they've been sniffing Kool-Aid dust.
ATTENTION!  The following may confuse you.  It may enrage you.  It may
cause you to enroll in a Weight-loss program operated by aliens from
Planet X.  It may cause you to jump up and down and scream like a banshee.
It may also cause you to join a convent or a monastery.  (ha ha!  eener
says:  now it was MY turn to correct a tupo by melvan!!)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= OH SNOP!! =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

life's little annoyances...

And this week we have yet another complaint by eener.

Hellooooo everybody!  When I came and visited melvan in Wisconsin I
noticed something.  Warmness.  Lack of snow.  Do you know what this
means?  I can no longer tease her because I live in Atlanta, and she lives
in the frozen tundra...*sob*

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= As the Tractor Burns... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

STARRING:

Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

Last week the cast (sort of) parodied "Gone with the Wind"....what
mischief will they get into this week?

Narrator:  *AHEM*  Okay...I hardly got to say anything last week, so I'm
making up for it this week.  First of all, let me introduce myself.  My
name is Izzy N. Sane.  I once had a job as a cook at Kentucky Fried
Chicken...I chose to pursue other career options later on in life and
became a lawn ornament manufacturer.
Buffy:   Who *is* this guy???
Esmerelda:  I have no ideaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnn....
I.M.:  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
Al:  Um...I think I was supposed to be the sound effects person last week
and I didn't get a chance to do *anything,* so I plan to make up for it
this week as well!

Al:  Hey, where did that come from?  I thought I sold that...
Raul:  Geez, this is boring.  How about some cameo appearances or
something...?
Narrator:...after I became a lawn ornament manufacturer, things really
changed in my life....I was courted by rich and famous people....
Howard:  Would someone PLEASE get a different narrator??????
Narrator:....*sob* But then my business went bankrupt...and I was all
alone...with not even a pink lawn flaming to keep me company....*sob*

Cast:  Ding dong the wicked witch is dead...ding dong the wicked witch is
dead!!!!!
Scarecrow: If I only had a brain....
Buffy:    I.M.,  over the course of this episode, I've
fallen in love with you!  Will you marry me???
I.M.:  Uhhh....but you dumped me last time when you found out my name
stood for In Metric!
Howard:  Do I get to be Worst Man again?

...join us next time for the wedding of the century?...

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

We reccomend throwing your dog out your window.  Just to see what happens.
Just be sure the fleas on its back aren't harmed.  If they are, you could
be investigated by the F.B.I.  (The flea bureau of investigation)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  URGENT FME NEWS  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

We have no news.  We have no brains.  We have no bananas.  We have no
Kleenex.  We have no carpet.  We have no sphygmomanometers.  We have no
ice in our freezers.  We have no.

Oh, and eener can't type.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Wise Sage  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to
melvan@wildstar.net

Bannerman
---------
To the tune of Piano Man (Billy Joel)
Parody by Weird Alex

 It's eight pm on a monday night
 The regular crowd shuffles in
 There's a man, at a puter in front of me
 Finding words that rhyme well with chin
 I said, man, can you write me a parody
 I'm not sure how to do one of those
 Make it short, make it sweet
 But please make it complete
 Cuz I wanna sing one of those

 La la la di di da
 La la la la di di da da dum

 Sing us a song, you on #bannerman!
 Sing us a song, tonight!
 For we're all in the mood for a parody!
 And you got us feeling alright!

 Now Beld, on the chan, he's a friend of me
 He gets me my bots for free
 He's slow to the chat, but quick with a clue bat
 But there's someplace that he'd rather be...
 He says, Qaz, I believe this is killing me
 As the smile disappeared from his face
 This chatting is fine that I do all the time,
 But there's no Pepsi here in this place!

 La la la di di da
 La la la di di da da dum

 (Chorus)

 Now eener's a ticket saleswoman
 Who's too busy with her job for a life
 But she doesn't care cuz pretty soon
 Darin's taking her to be his wife

 And the Iowans raving like lunatics
 While melvan, she generates clones
 We all spend too much time here on IRC
 But it's better than being alone!

 (Chorus)

 It's a pretty good crowd for a Monday night
 And the chan ops all give me a smile
 Though I know it's not me that they've come here to see
 I think I'll just stay for a while
 And the control-g's sound like a carnival
 And elkvis, he smells like root beer
 And the folks on the chan give each other a hand
 And say man, sure is nice to be here!

 La la la di di da
 La la la di di da da dum...

 (chorus)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Pollen
------

Yellow.
it covers the cars
in the parking lot.
My car,
which once was red is now
Yellow.
Sneeze.
I sneeze when the pollen
invades my system.  The pollen...
yellow.
The phlegm...
yellow.
It slides down my throat and my voice is
gone.
sneeze.
Yellow.

eener

Pie
---

*SPLAT*

melvan

Artist
-
Zoinks!
Snithering blinkets of

eener- who notes, obviously it was abstract art.

* melvan notes:  eener is insane.

* eener notes:  melvan collects...deo....dodaga...coins.
(no fair!  Those words were put into my mouth..er...fingers)
(wordS? only the last one)
(psgetti?)
(42)

Dentist
-------

Whizzzzzzzz
Whirrrrrrrrrrr
the piece of equipment
is flashed before my eyes.
Fear.
Whizzzzzzzzzz!
It moves towards me...
My mouth is open.
Gaping.
Filled with wads of cotton.
And then of course...
he tries to make conversation
with me.
"So...how are you doing today?"
he asks?
The equipment buzzes and whirs...
"Mmmmph"
I answer.
"Good to hear that!"
He enthusiastically proclaims.
The cotton is starting to feel
icky in my mouth
and suddenly my
nose
starts to itch...
I obssess over it...
I MUST itch my nose.....
Itchy...itchy....
"So...do you have any fun weekend plans?"
He asks.
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmph!"
I answer.
"Great idea!"  He answers back.
And then the entire scene disappears.
Because.
This poem is too long already.

eener...who spent lots of time with the dentist because of years of
wearing braces...oooo, fun

----

The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh
bananas.

Go away.  There's no subliminal message this week.

Read more »

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #74 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

Here we are, slacking again...

We will begin this issue with a commentary about life at Pizza Hut (don't
you all just love these?)

We have big brooms at Pizza Hut.  Every time we get a new one, somebody
writes something on it.  So in the last year, we have had brooms with
names like "Big Man", "Velvet Snake", "Beast Master", and the newest one,
"Super Fly".

And now...new airlines from the mind of eener...

Air Garfield:  All the planes are painted orange with black stripes.
Lasagna is served on all flights.  All pilots are required to wear a Jon
Arbuckle suit.

Psycho Air:  Tired of long, boring flights?  Fly Psycho Air!  All of our
pilots and flight crews are recruited from asylums, in an attempt to
lessen crowding in said asylums.  With a crew like this, it'll keep you on
the edge of your seat - will you reach your destination??

P-n-B Airlines:  P-n-B stands for Pinky and the Brain!  This is their
latest attempt to take over the world...to monopolize the airline business
and make millions of dollars.  Brain pilots the aircrafts ("Hello.  I am
your pilot.  I'm really a lab mouse in a plot to take over the
world...enjoy your flight.")  Pinky provides in-flight entertainment as
well as performing flight attendant duties.  ("Would you like something to
drink?  NARF!")

Taylor Airways:  Owned and operated by Steve Taylor, musical artist.  All
the planes are designed with "John 3:16" logos - Bannerplanes!  Taylor's
tunes are featured during the in-flight music - Taylor's videos are
featured on some of the in-flight movies.  Passengers get a discount on
tickets if they sacrifice their copy of "Chagall Guevara".

Northern Southern Western Eastern Airlines:  We couldn't decide which
direction we wanted to go, so we decided to compromise and name our
airline to cover all possibilities!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= OH SNOP!! =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

life's little annoyances...

by melvan

Thursday morning I woke up with a cold.  Sore throat, stuffed up nose,
backache, headache.  Friday morning I decided to go shopping and get some
cough syrup.  And some other stuff.  So I got in the car and went to
Shopko, then to the grocery store and got some lunch.  When I returned
home, I noticed the little light blinking on the answering machine.  It
was a message from eener saying that she & her mom were in town and going
out to lunch, and that they were going to invite me along with them, but I
wasn't home...ACK!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= As the Tractor Burns... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

STARRING:

Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

Last time on ATTB, something happened, only it's been so long that we've
forgotten what it was.

This week on ATTB, the characters have been kidnapped and trapped inside
the movie "Innerspace", where they are (shrunk? shrunken? whatever), put
inside a miniature submarine, and take a trip through the human body.  For
this episode only, As the Tractor Burns will be renamed As the Stomach
Churns.

Raul:  What the heck is going on?  Why are we so small?  Why are we in a
submarine?  And why am I wearing two different colored socks?
Buffy:  Because you dressed yourself in the dark, silley.
Esmerelda:  Buffy?  Why did you spell that with an 'e'?
Buffy:  Because I wanted to.
Al:  I'm a male-type.
I.M.:  Whoa!  Look at that thing outside the window!  What is that?
Howard:  I think it's a blood cell.
Raul:  No, I think it's part of a braunschweiger & jam sandwich that this
guy ate.
Buffy:  EEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
Esmerelda:  I think I'm gonna throw up.
Al:  If you're gonna spew, spew in this (hands Esmerelda a bucket)
Esmerelda:  Thanks.
Raul:  Hey, can we stop talking about stupid stuff and try to figure out a
way out of here?
Howard:  Sure we can.  How do we get out of here?
I.M.:  Yeah, what he said.
Raul:  I don't know, that's why I asked you guys to help me.
Esmerelda:  What is this?  A guy asking for directions?
Raul:  What?  No!  Never!  No way!  I know how to get out of here!  Now if
I could just figure out how to drive this submarine...
(Suddenly, the Evil Taxi Driver appears in a poof of blue smoke)
Taxi Driver:  I know how to drive this submarine!
Esmerelda:  Then get us out of here!
I.M.:  Yeah, what she said.
Taxi Driver:  Okay, hang on, we're going for a ride!

(The submarine suddenly shoots out through the belly button at light
speed, enlarges, and crashes into a brick wall)
Raul:  Whoa...what a ride...
(Suddenly Elvis appears at the crash site)
Esmerelda:  Wow...it's Elvis!
Buffy:  Elvis!  I love your music!
Elvis:  Thankyou...thankyouverymuch.
(Buffy faints)
(Esmerelda faints)
(Al faints)
Raul:  Sheesh, it's only a hologram...
(Suddenly Elvis disappears in a red poof of smoke)
I.M.:  Wow...those special effects really move me *sob* *choke*
Howard:  Um...yeah, whatever.

Next time on ATTB, maybe the women & Al will wake up...

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  URGENT FME NEWS  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

AHEM...attention everyone, we have two announcements this week.

First of all, if you aren't going to have email over the summer months and
you'd prefer to unsubscribe, please tell us now.  Thank you.

Second, eener is getting married in August, and melvan is going to be in
the wedding.  So we'll both be pretty busy this summer, and FME may be
getting to you less often.  I can hear you saying "Less often?  Is this
possible?"  Well, the answer is yes.  It COULD be not coming to you at
all, so don't complain.  

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Wise Sage  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com

Dear Wise Sage:

Madam Sage, whoooooooose idea was it to have such a drastic tupo as:

Narrator:....*sob* But then my business went bankrupt...and I was all
alone...with not even a pink lawn flaming to keep me company....*sob*

I mean, of course the Narrator's lawn business went out of business!
First, he decided that he would specialize (apparently) in Pink Lawns..  I
don't know about you, but I've never seen a pink lawn.. well, 'cept for
that crazy rich person's house down the street on valentine's day, but
that doesn't really count. Then he apparently decided that his idea of
lawn ornamentation was to flame them? ah, silley typical male-type.

The So#M Queen betrothed *ALMOST* as many times as you know whooooooo,
turned particularly owlish while speaking to Madam Wise Sage, to attempt
to match her intellegence.

PS.. if he disappears in a blue poof of smoke, does that mean he moved
from pink lawns to blue lawns?

Dear So#M Queen,

The Narrator *actually* specialized in regular lawns, but they looked pink
to him, because he was wearing rose-colored glasses!

P.S.  I want a shrubbery!!

Wise Sage

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to
melvan@wildstar.net

There's nothing here this week.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Winter
------

Shivering
Shaking
Quivering
It's so cold
the thermometer
BROKE
Icicles
Snow drifts
I wash my hair
walk out the door
It freezes
Gosh
I'm glad
I live in Atlanta

eener, who loves the south...except for the cockroaches

Lunch
-----

My wooden teeth
give me splinters
when I eat
solid
food.
Corn pone.

melvan

----

The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh
bananas.

Read more »

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #74 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

Why do they call it rush hour traffic if it's so slow?
Why do they call them red onions when they're actually purple?
On headphones, they always say R for the right side and L for the left.
If you put them on backwards, does the music come out backwards?

Anyway...welcome to FME Issue #74.  What's in this issue, you ask?

1.  Nothing.
2.  More nothing.
3.  Still more of nothing.

HEY!  eener flew up to Wisconsin this weekend and stopped to visit melvan.
The following issue may make no sense, but you're used to that, right?

But we start it all off with a dream melvan had on the morning of June 13,
1997.  Perhaps the fact that it was Friday the 13th has something to do
with the strangeness of the dream...or perhaps it was because I was up
till 3 am and worked 6 hours the previous night....

It was renee's wedding.  I was sitting on the bleachers (Bleachers at a
wedding?  In a church?  Hmmmm...must be a redneck wedding) by my aunt &
uncle (Renee & Darin have never met this particular aunt & uncle; why
would they be at their wedding?  Hmm?)  Then these snotty 13-14 year old
girls (I think they were supposedly my aunt & uncle's granddaughters; i.e.
my second-cousins) came & told me I had to move because that was where
THEY always sat.  Then some of the people in the wedding party came out
(Darin came over to where I was sitting to have my aunt tie his tie or
something???)  So then I left because I was part of the wedding party, and
I should've been with them in the first place.  My mom was with the
bridesmaids and asked me where I'd been earlier because she'd been looking
for me.  Had I come to the church straight from work?  Yup.  (Work the day
of the wedding?  Uhhh...no thanks.)  Had I been here the whole time?  Yup.
(Funny that I hadn't even seen the bridesmaids' dresses till then...)
Then I was in the aisle in the church. Then the next thing i remember is
being in my house the next day telling my brother that I didn't remember
anything at all about the wedding.  Then I remembered I had dreamed the
part about my aunt & uncle and the bleachers and everything.  (A dream
within a dream...hmmmmm).  Then I was at a bus stop, and there was a
person sitting on the bench who looked like a big plastic Barney, but
acted and sounded like Forrest Gump.  And then Barney Gump walked away and
I couldn't remember what his name was.

What made this even more strange is that Thursday night while I was
cleaning out my computer desk, I found some old poetry, stories, & ideas
for FME.  One was to put Forrest Gump in ATTB.  Then I thought, "Forrest
Gump played by Howard (who is played by Barney)...uhhhhh......"

Perhaps it's a premonition?  Do you all think I'm psycho yet?  Don't
answer that....

=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= OH SNOP!! =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

life's little annoyances...

by melvan

So anyway, I was at work on Friday the 13th.  I got there at 11 am.  Lunch
was pretty busy.  Then it was dead till 4 pm.  I was the only cook.  I got
swamped with orders.  I made about 5 orders and put them in the oven, then
more orders came in, and by the time I got them done, the first 5 orders
were getting backed up in the oven, so I had to go cut them before they
fell off the end of the oven.  They do do that sometimes.  Anyway, so it
took me about 10 minutes to get caught up on the oven, and by then there
were orders that were 10 minutes overdue...and of course everyone else was
busy too (waitresses & managers & drivers) so they didn't have time to
help cook.  Then when other cooks showed up early, they couldn't clock in
early and help out, they had to stand in the back and talk & smoke.
Meanwhile I'm working my butt off trying to get all the orders done...

So finally the other cooks clocked in and we got caught up.  An hour later
we were backed up again because one of our ovens is broke.  We do have
another oven in the back of the store, but noooo, we couldn't turn that
one on and use it....  Anyway...we were stuffing pizzas in so close
together that you couldn't get anything in the little side door when you
needed to.  And then, to top it all off, the guy who was doing the pasta
(a manager) came and told me that I would have to do pasta because he
didn't have time to do it anymore.  I was very happy to get out of
there....  Oh well, at least nobody turned off the "Friday night time
machine" (aka the radio show which is all 80's music for 6 hours  

And now for another "Oh Snop" by eener....

Aaargh!  I just wish to complain about the icky weather we've had in
Atlanta for two weeks straight.  (Not to mention, I'm having a hick of a
time trying to type on melvan's keyboard!!  Eeeeek...everything seems to
get jiggled aroumd and come out in the wrong orrrder)  Anyway0 in regards
to the wethearrrja;sdl (oh fergit it...i'm tired of backspacking) (this
reminds me of lettersd melvan used to write me on a broken typewriter-they
were an endless source of entertainment for me...typos everywhere!!!!)
Ahem.  Back to the point.  We've had rain for two weeks straight!
Gloomy...no sun.  We had *one* day with sun and 90 degrees, then it went
straight back to rain.  I like rain...but not t29wo straight weeks of it.
*grumblegrumble*

comment from melvan: hey, it's fun watching eener try to type....

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= As the Tractor Burns... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

STARRING:

Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

Last week on ATTB, the gang went for a trip through the human body in the
movie "Innerspace."  Buffy, Esmerelda, and Al fainted when they met Elvis.
The Evil Taxi Driver reappeared to drive the submarine out through the
belly button.

This week on ATTB, something will happen, only we don't know what yet,
because somebody stole melvan's brain.  Have you seen it?  If found,
please don't return it.

Raul: (waving hands frantically in front of Esmerelda) Wake up!!
Esmerelda:  Huh?  Where am I?
Buffy: (waking up)  Where did Elvis go?
Howard:  Who cares, I just want to go home!
Al:  Home?
I.M.:  Home?
Raul:  Home?
Howard:  Yeah, I said I want to go home!
Esmerelda:  Wow...this is the first time in the history of ATTB that
anyone has actually wanted to go home.
Raul:  The second time.  The first time this taxi driver kidnapped us,
remember?
Taxi Driver:  Kidnapped you?  That wasn't me...that was my evil twin.
Howard:  You have an evil twin?
Taxi Driver:  (looks puzzled) Yeah, doesn't everyone?
Buffy:  Oh, of course!  My evil twin is Granny from the Beverly
Hillbillies.
I.M.:  My evil twin played football.
Esmerelda:  I.M., you're your own evil twin.
I.M.:  I am not!  Take that back!  I'm innocent!
(Suddenly the Evil Taxi Driver disappears in a poof of greenish bluish
pinkish smoke)
Al:  Hey...where did he go?  He was supposed to drive us home...
Howard:  Close your eyes, click your heels together three times, and say
"There's no place like home."
Raul:  Hmm, let's try it.  It worked for Dorothy & Toto...
(Raul closes his eyes and clicks his heels together)
Raul:  There's no place like home.  There's no place like home.
(Suddenly Raul dissapears in a poof of gray smoke)
Al:  Whoa!  It worked!  Let me try!
(Al closes his eyes and clicks his heels together)
Al:  There's no place like home.  There's no place like home.
(Al disappears in a poof of purple smoke)

Next time on ATTB, we'll find out just where Al, Raul, and the Evil Taxi
Driver have gone....

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

melvan was surfing the web and found some interesting pages...

*** Dave Barry Archive - http://www.herald.com/tropic/barry/

Dave Barry columns, duh  

*** The Slightly Less than Official Spork Page - http://www.spork.org

Tells you exactly what a spork is, what you can do with it, etc.

*** Gallery of Lawn Ornaments -

http://www.arch.buffalo.edu/~tasman/virtual_cheektowaga_gallery.html

Pink flamingoes, dwarf bears, windmills, Elvis mailboxes...the only thing
I didn't see on this page was the "Yard Butt" (eener's term)

*** Virtual Bubble Wrap - http://www.mackerel.com/bubble.html

Everyone loves bubble wrap (or, as me & eener call it, "popping paper").
Unfortunately, since you need a Shockwave plugin to view this site, and
they don't make one for Linux Netscape (grrrrrr), I was unable to pop the
bubble wrap...

comment from eener:  Ooooh!  I LOVE popping paper!!

*** The Geek Code - http://krypton.mankato.msus.edu/~hayden/geek.html

Perhaps you've already heard of it and figured yours out.  If you haven't,
do so.

*** Bulletin Board -

http://www.pioneerplanet.com/entertainment/bulletinboard/

This is the best part of the St. Paul Pioneer Press.  So go read it!

recommendations from eener:  don't hang plaster clarinets on your wall.

rebuttal from melvan:  why not?

response from eener:  if you had a bad dream in the middle of the night
and started sleep-walking around your room...you could run into the wall,
and the plaster clarinet would fall down and impale you.  what a way to
die.

response from melvan:  i don't sleep-walk.

reply from eener:  then it must've been your clone i saw walking down the
highway in the middle of the night....and attempting to play...a plaster
clarinet!!  (oh never mind...this is going nowhere)

says melvan:  you've been sniffing kool-aid dust again, haven't you? or
have you just been using the metric system too much?

conclusion:  /////////

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  URGENT FME NEWS  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

ATTENTION Anyone who would like to order the #Bannertape (aka the tape of
parodies Weird Alex recorded in the $1.39 studio) please send $4 to:

Rachel Elliott
4021 SE 115th
Portland, OR 97266

Also...melvan's dad bought a car this weekend (a 1973 Chrysler something
or other, it starts with an N, that's all I remember)...it's big, it's
maroon, and Elkvis named it "Bubba".

I'm glad my dad got a car before I bought one...because I want to name my
car and I DON'T want to call it Bubba.

Suggestions, anyone?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Wise Sage  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com

The wise sage notes:  I've had several intelligent and mind-bending
questions emailed to me recently. I have been pondering them with utmost
concentration for several weeks.  I hope to print the answers to these
questions in this issue.  I hope the truths that are revealed by the
answers to these questions move you deeply.  (and if they do...buy
metamucil...or maybe pepto bismol)

Umm...well, sorry guys, melvan got a little excited and sent the issue
before the Wise Sage letters arrived.  They'll be in the next issue....

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to
melvan@wildstar.net

This was sent to us by Kristi Cates.

Just a really stupid little thing I wrote the other day while in a
creative mood (or was that destructive? Oh well...)

It's a test for insaneness--is that a word?  Here it goes!

1. Do you want to be an Oscar Meyer weiner? (yes; no; I would rather be a
piece of duct tape)

2. What does two plus two REALLY equal? (5; 3; an imaginary number, you
know, like that six figure job you keep expecting to get)

3. Are blueberries your friend? (yes; no; what are they)

4. If a Smurf were choking, what color would it turn? (pink; orange and
green; yellow with purple polka dots)

5. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
(approximately fifteen miles deeper; 79 seconds deeper; so THAT's where
they went to; I think a Smurf should turn white)

6. When your pet bird sees you reading the paper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there staring at carpeting? (No; yes; MY bird is too
busy studying biochemical physics, what's YOUR bird doing with his time?)

If you answered all of the above with: "Aunt Ruth has the constipation",
then, yes, you ARE insane! (bet you're thrilled)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Mattress Tag
------------

I hide
in fear, as the
police invade
the house...
I hold the offending
evidence...
the mattress tag
dangles from my quivering
fingers...
forgive me...
My grandmother
was
a
weedwhacker.

eener

We are rerunning the poem "Mental Hygiene" because melvan felt like it.  

Mental Hygiene
--------------

Today I bought some mental floss
And stuck it in my ear.
It came right out the other side
And now I cannot hear.
I then got in my little car
And tried my best to steer.
To my chagrin into the road
There ran a stoopid deer!
I swerved and swerved and missed him but
I stripped the steenking gears.
I swerved again and boom-de-boom
I knocked a mailbox clear
Into Iowa, where all the corn
Blew into a pier.
The farmer wipes away a tear,
Sips a beer,
And jumps off the pier.
The end is near
The end is here.
Do not fear.
Sit on your rear.
And turn that bug
Into a smear.

eener & melvan

----

The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh
bananas.

Read more »

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #75 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

Hello, and welcome to the seventy-fifth issue of Farm Macheenery
(exploding) Magazine.  This issue marks absolutely nothing except

1.  It's July 13.
2.  There's a thunderstorm in Wisconsin.
3.  There was one yesterday too.
4.  The number 75 coincides with the last two digits of eener's birth
year, which of course is NOT as good as 76, melvan's birth year  

--- little things to be happy about ---

Last week I went to Fleet Farm.  For those of you who have never heard of
it, Fleet Farm is a store.  Right.  It's a store that specializes in farm,
auto, and household stuff.  ("stuff", hmm, my English teachers would be SO
proud of me...)  My mom asked me to buy some eyeglass cleaner while I was
there.  I looked in the aisle she specified three or four times, and they
didn't have it.  Anyway.  I went on to the auto parts section and bought a
funnel.  Yes, a funnel.  Funnels are nice things, you know.  You can put
them in a hole in your car so that the fluid goes *into* the hole instead
of *around* it.  The last time I poured transmission fluid in my car
(well, actually it's not MY car, but it probably will be soon) I spilled
half the bottle trying to get the stuff into the stupid hole.  This time
was no problem.  I put the funnel in the hole (after removing the nice
little caps on both ends to prevent spiderwebs and such getting inside the
funnel) and poured the contents of the transmission fluid container INTO
the hole, and didn't spill a drop.

And then I drove back to River Falls.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= OH SNOP!! =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

life's little annoyances...by melvan

Saturday night I was at work again.  I stayed later than usual because we
didn't have enough cooks.  Anyway...this lady ordered some mild wings.  So
we made them.  When she got them, she thought they were hot wings.  So we
put in another order of mild wings for her.  When those came out of the
oven, she thought THOSE were too hot.  So the manager put one hot wing and
one mild wing through the oven so the lady could see the difference.  Then
when she looked at them, she said "My Pizza Hut never had anything like
this."  One of our drivers (Tom) said he wanted to go out into the dining
room and just stare at the lady.  Or pretend to be a mobster.  The scary
part is that he'd be really good at the mobster role.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= As the Tractor Burns... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

STARRING:

Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

Hmm...if I could remember what happened last time on ATTB, I'd write a
sequel.  But since I can't, I won't.

Maybe.

Or maybe I'll just look up the last issue.

Or maybe I'm just too lazy to do that.

Or perhaps *BANG* *thud*

This episode of ATTB involves a paper clip, a Buick, and a pink flamingo
lawn ornament.  Not in that order.

Last week, Raul, Al, and the Evil Taxi Driver disappeared in poofs of
gray, purple, and greenish bluish pinkish smoke, respectively.  This week,
we'll find out where they've gone.  And they have ended up in none other
than...

Iowa.  Again.

Al:  What the heck?  We're in Iowa?
Raul:  Apparently we are.
Taxi Driver:  But didn't we click our heels three times and say "There's
no place like home?"  Is Iowa really my home?
Raul:  Home?  Iowa?  I never thought I'd use both of those words in the
same sentence.
(Al, Raul, and the Taxi Driver get into a Buick and drive away.)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...I mean the crashed submarine...

Esmerelda:  OK, now what do we do?  Al and Raul and the Taxi Driver have
disappeared.  Should we follow them?
Buffy:  Nah, let's have a party instead.
I.M.:  Yeah, what she said.
Howard:  Yeah, what they said.
Barney:  I love you, you love me...
Esmerelda: SHUT HIM UP!!!!!!
(Barney disappears in a poof of beigeish white smoke)
Buffy (chewing on a paper clip):  I'm serious.  Let's have a party.
Esmerelda:  Why?  We're missing two of our friends and a taxi
driver...come to think of it, are they really our friends?  If they just
ditched us like that...
Buffy:  Thanks, now you've gotten me depressed.
(Buffy starts sobbing uncontrollably)
I.M.:  *sniff*  They just left us?
Forrest Gump:  Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates...you
never know what you're gonna get.
Howard:  Oh...do I finally get a line again?
(Esmerelda beats Howard over the head with a pink flamingo lawn ornament)
So#m queen:  Wymin rule and male-types drool!
Howard:  Yeah, what she said.
Buffy:  I'm going to legally change my name to Shoula.

And with that, we'll end ATTB forever.

We're kidding, of course.  Or "of source."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Do not, I repeat, do NOT buy "Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs."  Although
this is a very funny book, if you read it I can guarantee you'll walk away
from it with all the world's dumbest songs bouncing around your brain.
Seriously, I left this book in the middle to go get some ice cream.  While
I was in the kitchen, the only thing going through my mind was "Feelings,
nothing more than feelings" over and over and AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  URGENT FME NEWS  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

eener is going to be an old married lady in only a month and a half!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Wise Sage  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com

Dear Guru of Sage

Does the company that makes Zambonis have a monopoly?

Signed, question person
(**a generic name invented by us, cuz the person didn't sign their name)

Dear question person,

Monopoly comments:  get both Boardwalk and Park Place....and be the
scottie dog.

Wise Sage

Dear wisest of Wise Sages,

What is invisible fencing???? Is it a fence you cannot see or is it a type
of fighting that could get very nasty??? Can you use spam to make/do
invisible fencing??????

A not so wise questioner, Saturn

Dear Saturn,

Invisible fencing is a marvelous product!  You can get yours today if you
send 3 low, low easy payments of $39.95 to eener and melvan today!  Just 3
easy payments!!!  And if you act now, we'll throw in a tractor Christmas
tree ornament ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!  This marvelous product vaccuums your
carpet...organizes your finances...and cooks breakfast for you every
morning!!  Don't miss out on this fabulous offer!!  Buy some today!!

Wise Sage

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to
melvan@wildstar.net

A poem from lucy1 (aka melvan's "little sis")

there once was a cat named face
who ran an incredible race
he went off the road
and killed mr toad
then folded his paws to say grace

Poems from wowness (aka Nina Garden)

Fried Chryslers

Oreo Speedlaggin
and endless orange flurescent dots
Lost
Lost in a pile of unmatched socks.
Frying Chryslers serenade
through broken headphones
telling of the death of Phil Long.
We pause to throw a keyfob on his grave.
The polyethaline dot trees grow rapidly.

Silly Putty-

Funnies printed silly putty
Flies
Through polluted air
Into the faces
Of unsuspecting mmmboppers.

The Illogical Song
----------------------------------------------------
Parody of Supertramp's "The Logical Song"
Parody by Weird Alex (who's been away from school too long)

When I signed on, it seemed that chats were so wonderful, a miracle, oh
they were musical, magical
And all the nicks on the chan, well they'd be sinfing so happily,
joyfully, dizzily typing me
But then I went home to a world that's so sensible, logical, responsible,
practical
And I work in a world that makes me so dependable, clinical,
intellectual, cynical

There are times, when IRC's asleep,
The questions are too deep
For such a shallow man
Won't you please, please have me reassured,
No matter what I've heard,
There is a 'Net of Spam?

Now watch what you say, or they'll be calling you a radical, elliptical,
oh, quadratical squarical
Won't you write down your name, we'd like to think you're editable,
eraseable, oh grammatical-in-place-able!

At day, when IRC's asleep
The questions run too deep
For such a silly man
Won't you please, please have me reassured,
No matter what I've heard,
Spam tastes like Klik or Kam
Klik or Kam
Klik or Kam!
Klik or Kam!!!! (Spam whistle)
hamical
vegetable (1-2-V-8!)
clinical
pinnicle

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Boredom I
---------

I'm so bored
I don't know what to write
I'm almost falling asleep
I've eaten two bowls of ice cream today
I'm listening to an 80's radio show
My fan makes awful noises when it's sitting on my desk
My printer sounds like it's falling apart
I haven't had a Dr Pepper in over a week
I'm totally bored with caffeine free beverages
They all taste the same
Especially since they're all 7-Up

melvan

The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh
bananas.

Read more »

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@wildstar.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. elrod) ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #76 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

This is the last issue of FME.  That is, the last issue before eener's
wedding.  And just for the hick of it, and because of the fact that we
haven't had a survey for a while, we're going to put a survey in this
issue.  Please send answers to melvan@wildstar.net or eener@juno.com

1.  eener can't find a good lipstick.  She's mentioned this before.  So
she wants to hear from everyone on this list who uses lipstick...which
kind and color should she buy?

2.  Who put the bomp in the bomp ba-bomp ba-bomp?

3.  WHAT is your name?

4.  WHAT is your quest?

5.  WHAT is your favorite color?

6.  Have you ever eaten a gfot?

7.  Have you ever been eaten BY a gfot?

8.  Where do the streets have no name?

9.  Will you send us money?

10.  Why not?

11.  Do you have allergies?

12.  Don't you hate them?

13.  How many cats have you owned in your life?

14.  Have you driven a B. E. L. lately?

15.  Did it explode?

16.  Why not?

17.  Who shot JR?

18.  In your own words, why is FME only coming to you once a month (or
less frequently) instead of each week?

19.  Where HAVE all the cowboys gone?

20.  Define the word "akoukahouma" (pronounced a-KOO-ka-HOO-ma)

Thus endeth the survey.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= OH SNOP!! =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

life's little annoyances...

by eener

Here's a tidbit of advice to all you readers out there:  Do NOT...I
repeat...Do NOT tumble dry a feather pillow.  The clothes dryer here is
now full of feathers...ack!

Another OH SNOP!

by melvan

Yesterday morning I went shopping in Woodbury with my parents.  Woodbury
is a city about 20 miles from where I live.  They have just about
everything there, so I try to go there often.  Anyway, when we came out of
Best Buy and were getting in the car, I opened my door and just barely
bumped the car next to us.*  Its car alarm started screaming.

Don't you just LOVE car alarms?

* Yes, I really did only bump it, I was NOT trying to break into it.
Really.  I was using the crowbar to...uhh...I was using it for an antenna!
Yeah, that's it.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= As the Tractor Burns... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

STARRING:

Jim Varney - as Raul Hackenspew
Roseanne - as Esmerelda
O.J. Simpson - as I.M. Gilty
Barney the Dinosaur - as Howard Stern
Jim Carrey - as Al Rightithen
Princess Di - as Buffy

Last time on ATTB, the Evil Taxi Driver, Raul, and Al ended up in Iowa.
Meanwhile, the rest of the gang is planning a party.  But we've decided to
scrap that plot and transport them to somewhere else.  The somewhere else
in question is, in fact, eener's wedding.

(The entire cast appears in a poof of borrowed bluish oldish newish smoke
in the back of the church)

Esmerelda:  How'd we get here?
Al:  Whoa...those special effects again...
(Al goes into a trance)
Howard:  What's going on here?
Raul:  Hmmmm...there's lots of people, they're all dressed up, and there's
flowers everywhere.  This could only mean one thing...
Everyone:  What?
Raul:  My toupee is on backwards.
Buffy:  Raul, your toupee is ALWAYS on backwards.
Usher:  Quiet please!  Follow me.
(The usher leads the gang to their seats)
I.M.:  So what's really happening here?
Usher:  It's a wedding.
Buffy:  A wedding?  Who's getting married?
Al:  Haven't you been reading FME for the last few months?
Buffy:  No.
Al:  Well, if you had, you'd know who was getting married.
Buffy:  Why should I read that stuff?  It's so pointless.
Raul:  *gasp*  How dare you say that, Buffy!  FME is full of relevant
information, you just have to dig a while to find it.
Esmerelda:  SHHH!
(The organ starts to play "Here Comes the Bride")
I.M.:  Hey look!  It's eener!
Everyone:  SHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I.M.:  Oh, right.  Sorry.
(The Evil Taxi Driver takes something out of his pocket)
Howard:  (whispers) Hey, what's that?
Taxi Driver:  It's a pie.
Howard:  Oh.  What are you going to do with it?
Taxi Driver:  You'll see.
(Suddenly, the Evil Taxi Driver stands up and throws the pie toward the
front of the church.  eener ducks just in time, and the pie hits the
preacher.)
Howard:  Wow!  Cool!  I wanna try that!
(Howard takes a pie from his pocket and hurls it toward the front of the
church)
Usher:  Hey!  Stop that!
Al:  Whoa...you guys are just TOO cool.
(Al pushes a pie in the usher's face)
Usher:  That's it!  You want a pie war?  Well, you've got a pie war!

(The usher takes several pies out of his pockets and throws them at
wedding guests, and a world class pie war breaks out.  Ten minutes later,
the church is a mess of whipped cream, blueberry, apple, cherry,
chocolate, and gfots.)

Buffy:  Wow...cool.

Join us next time, when a large elephant is dropped from an airplane onto
the entire cast of ATTB!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Editor's Reccomendations...  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

We reccomend that you send us stuff to put in the 'zine!  Otherwise we
have to write it all, and you know what happens when we do that....

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  URGENT FME NEWS  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Next Saturday, August 30, is eener's wedding.

melvan is drinking hot chocolate and cooking fish at this very moment.

It's raining in Wisconsin.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Wise Sage  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com

Dear the wisest of the wise sage,

What does Spam smell like? I have never come into contact with it and it
bothers me that I don't understand the obvious joke that surrounds it.  By
the way, the wise Sage is the wisest sage I know!!!!!!!!!!

Another wise something,
Saturn

Dear Saturn,

Spam smells like ham that has been bathing in pink slime for approximately 2
centuries.

Doo Wah diddy diddy dum diddy do,
Wise Sage

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to
melvan@wildstar.net

I glued my finger
that was dumb
I glued my finger,
and now its numb.
ow

thank you, thank you very much.
ElvisPres

Next is a contribution from "George"

hi melvan.  ive got some lunacy for ya.  theyre some of my "specail"
jokes.  my friends say they dont make sense, and i say thats what makes
them funny.  so here are some goodies for ya:

so there were two ducks in a bathtub and one said to the other, "pass the
soap" and the other said, "what do you think i am?....  chocolate ice
cream?"  ha ha ha!  was that funny or what?!

here goes another one:  whats the difference between orange juice and dog
bones? jackets have no sleeves!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Bubble Wrap
-----------

*pop*
*pop*
*pop*pop*pop*
*pop*pop*
*pop*pop*pop*pop*
*pop*
*pop*pop*pop*
*pop*pop*
*pop*

melvan

----

The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh
bananas.

Read more »

^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. farm ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan (melissa c. hoffmeyer) .^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. melvan@win.bright.net .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. macheenery ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^. eener (renee f. werner) .^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. (exploding) .^.^.^.^.^. eener@juno.com ^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^
^.^. issue #77 .^.^.^.^.^.^. http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/ ^
^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^.^

ATTENTION!  If you did not want this magazine, please email
melvan@win.bright.net.  I lost the subscriber list, and the last backed up
copy of it that I have is six months old.  If you've unsubscribed since
then, please tell me to delete your address again.  If you know someone
who has subscribed recently, please tell them to subscribe again.  I
apologize for any inconvenience.

*** Quote from Elkvis (brother of melvan):  "Needing help is okay as long
as you never get it."

Before we get on with the 'zine, we have an announcement.  FME is two
years old today, the 9th of October.  And there was much rejoicing (yay).
And yes, this issue is about 4 days late, but so what?  At least it's been
sent.

This is the third attempt at FME Issue #77.  Why?  The reason deserves a
column all its own.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= OH SNOP!! =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=

life's little annoyances...

by melvan

Once upon a time I bought a new hard drive from my brother.  And I had so
much space, I didn't know what to do with all of it.  So I decided that in
addition to Linux, I'd put a DOS partition on the drive.  I asked my
brother if formatting a partition of one drive would affect the rest of
the drive and he said "It shouldn't."  So I proceeded to format the
partition.  Not only did it format that one partition, but the whole hard
drive...and the whole *other* hard drive.  So I lost everything I had.

By the time I got all the stuff back that I'd lost, I decided to try it
again.  This time, I was a little more careful and did only format the one
partition of the one drive.  But when I rebooted the computer and switched
back to Linux, I discovered that it had corrupted a very important
directory, that is, the /home directory.  This is where half of my stuff
is stored, i.e. issues of FME, the subscriber list, my mail, parodies,
pictures, wav files, web pages that I'd been working on, Beward (an irc
bot), and more stuff that I've forgotten because I lost it.

Not only am I having hard drive problems lately.  Here's more...

My cdrom drive won't work.  So I took my computer apart to see if I had
any loose connections, and I cut my finger taking out the cdrom controller
card.  So I'm trying to type with a band aid on my left middle finger.  So
if you see any extra Cs, Ds, Es, or 3s in this issue, please excuse them.
And when I put it back together and started it again, the cdrom drive
STILL doesn't work.

The new-old soundcard I just got isn't working yet.

I dropped a 3.5 pound can of green olives on my foot at work last night
and have a big bruise on it (the foot, not the can).  Later that evening
my manager told me I could leave after I'd put some stuff away.  Ten
minutes later, just as I'm getting it finished up, he comes to tell me
"You're gonna have to stay for a while, there's a bus of 50 people coming
in."

My "new" car has a leaky tire.  And a radio that needs to be replaced.
That's right, I finally bought a car.  For those of you who care, it's a
black 4-door 1980 Chrysler LeBaron with reddish maroonish interior.  And
as soon as my license plates arrive in the mail, I can drive anywhere I
please.

Only days after my mom put plastic in the air conditioner to insulate it
for winter, guess what happened?  We got a heat wave and broke a 100 year
old high temperature record.

And that's all I have to say about that.

+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
= What Happened at eener's Wedding +
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

Actually, a funny thing happened this week.  After I (melvan) had already
written my version of what happened at the wedding, I received in an email
from eener her version of the same thing.  So here we have two points of
view of Renee's wedding.

--- eener's version ---

Yes...I am now an old, married lady!     And loving every minute of it!
You can call me eener Werner.  The wedding was great!  Wish you all could
have been there.  For those of you who didn't know, melvan was my maid of
honor.  She looked just be-yoot-iful in the pink bridesmaid dress with
roses on it!  [melvan notes:  How dare you say such a thing about me!]
Here's a much abridged version of the wedding....

The day before the wedding....Yiiiiiiiiii!  Freak out time!  There were
several people from the wedding party who were flying in on the standby
passes that Darin (my hubby)  and I get for working for Delta.  In fact,
the preacher and the best man were a couple of those people!  Yikes!  To
make a long story short, the preacher got there *late* the night before
the wedding, and the best man got in about an HOUR before the wedding.
(or somewhere near that)  Darin's sister and brother in law also flew in
on a pass, and by the time they got there they said we oughtta pay 'em for
coming!  (they did get there in time for the wedding, luckily!  Heh
heh...)  I think we were possessed to have people flying in standby on
labor day weekend.  Aw well!  Happily, everyone who was supposed to get
there, got there!  Hooray!  (And there was much rejoicing)  Oh!  One more
note...the rehearsal was interesting, without the pastor...and without the
best man!  Hahaha!  We had Darin's dad be the preacher's stand-in...and my
cousin's boyfriend was the best man....whew!  What a night!! (har!)

The day of the wedding went VERY fast!  For any of you who've gotten
married, I think you'll agree with me here...it goes super fast.  Friends
and relatives everywhere...and trying to talk to 'em all!  It sure was
good to see everyone.  Another special thing was that my grandparents sang
a song at my wedding!  It was a very happy day!  I married a very
wonderful man- caring,considerate, loving (*insert romantic violin music
here*)..and he's just as wacky as me!  I told him I never would have
married him if he had been sane!  (oh-and he's cute too!  *wink*)

We went to Stuttgart, Germany for our honeymoon...very beautiful!  Parks,
fountains, castles....very romantic!!  The only things that we didn't like
about Stuttgart:  Coke costs an arm and a leg over there!  No...not coke
the drug, silly!  Coke the beverage!  (har har...)  Also, in some places,
you have to *pay* to use public toilets!  Phooey.  Other than that, we
loved Germany!  There was one experience that I should write up for the
"Oh snop" column though...naw, I'll tell you about it right now. (aren't
you excited?)  We took a train all the way to Fussen, Germany to see a
beautiful castle.  We got there in plenty of time before the castle tours
closed.  However, by the time we figured out where to go to get to the top
of the mountain to see the castle, it was too late!  And we rode on a
train for hours!  Eeeek!  Nevertheless, we made the best of it.  We walked
up the mountain, on the road, and saw the outside of the castle.  It was
beautiful...and we took lots of photos and video!  Well, I could ramble on
some more, but let's get on with the rest of the 'zine!!

--- melvan's version ---

This is actually the third time I've had to write this (or maybe the
fourth?  Whatever.)  But anyway, I'm sure you'll all want to hear about
it.

The wedding was Saturday, August 30 at 1 pm.  I arrived at the church
Friday afternoon at about 4:30 to help decorate for the reception.  Darin
was just leaving to pick Renee up from the motel, and he told me the
following:

The best man was stuck in Dallas.
The pastor was stuck in Cincinatti.
Darin's sister & her husband were stuck in Cincinatti.
Darin's tuxedo hadn't arrived yet.

The rehearsal was to begin at 6 pm.  We actually did have the rehearsal.
Darin's dad stood in as the pastor, and Renee's cousin Erin's boyfriend
stood in as the best man.

The pastor (Dave Hart, a FME subscriber) and Darin's sister arrived later
that night.

The best man arrived fifteen minutes before the ceremony started.

During the ceremony, Darin and Renee were supposed to light a unity
candle.  So they took the matches and lit two separate candles, then they
attempted lighting the unity candle.  But the candle had other plans.  It
did not want to light.  The base of Darin's candle fell of and made a nice
THUD on the floor.  Finally after much trying, Darin turned around and
said "I hope we unify a little better than our candle."  A few minutes
later, when Renee's grandparents were singing, Renee and Darin were facing
the audience and acting silly.  And I heard Darin say "I'm glad they wired
me for the video, they're gonna LOVE this."

At the reception, Todd (the best man) stood up and gave a toast.  He
finished it up with "Long life, long love, many children" to which Darin
responded "Can we talk about that last one?"

Renee threw the bouquet, and Amber (also a FME subscriber) caught it.
Later Darin said that when he tossed the garter, the only single guy he
could find was Amber's boyfriend....

After everything in the church was cleaned up, Darin told me "You haven't
lost your best friend, you've gained a pain in the butt."

And then when we all finally left the building, we spotted the rental car.
Renee's sister made a "Just Married" sign, and her brother blew up some
latex gloves and taped them to the back of the car.  When they left the
parking lot, it looked like the gloves were waving.

And there was much rejoicing.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  URGENT FME NEWS  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I (melvan) looked at a box in the freezer at work the other day, and read
"Grilled Cooked Dead Chicken."  I thought that was kinda redundant, and
then I looked again, and it said "Grilled Cooked DICED Chicken."  Silly
me.

Then tonight (Friday), I looked at the name on an order I was making and
it said "Melissa."  Hmm...so I'm ordering pizzas behind my own back now?
What the hick?  And since when do I like mushrooms and black olives
anyway?  I'll have to have a nice long chat with myself about this....

Oh...this column is for news, isn't it?  Well, here's news...melvan's new
address is melvan@win.bright.net

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=  Wise Sage  =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** The Wise Sage never rests!  Well, actually she does, but "The Wise
Sage Rests" wouldn't be too good of an opener for the Wise Sage column,
now would it?  Anyway, send Wise Sage questions to eener@juno.com

The Wise Sage has recently had a lobotomy...we appreciate your patience
while she grows a new brain....

This wasn't a Wise Sage question, but it was asked, so it deserves an
answer.  Sean asked what the initials in our names stood for.

Renee Fred Werner
Melissa Cletus Hoffmeyer

Wait, that doesn't look right...

Renee Farley Werner
Melissa Caesar Hoffmeyer

Hmm, still not quite right...

Renee Faith Werner
Melissa Carrie Hoffmeyer

There...that's better.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Fruit Bats in Your Toilet =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*** If you have lunacy you'd like publicized, we'll do it for free!  Send
any stories, poems, letters, parodies, essays, ramblings, etc. to
melvan@win.bright.net

Many many many thanks to Weird Alex, who sent me the following parody
three times after I'd lost it....

Cyber Geek
----------
A parody of Jesus Freak by dcTalk
Parody Lyrics by Weird Alex

Separated, I cut myself free
From the network that lags me when I download big things
Been understanding this new IRC force
And a setup that replaced all the servers of course!

(rap)
Saw a man there next to me with a big fat belly
It wiggled around like marmalade jelly
It took me a while to catch what he said
Cause I had to synchronize with the lag in my head
Download .wav's is what he raved
In a typical cyber-means
He hooked up to the net in the middle of the city
And he started having dreams...

(Chorus)
What will people think when they hear that I'm a cybergeek?
What will people do when they find out it's true?
I don't really care if they label me a cyber geek
There ain't no disguising the truth

Kamikaze... it split again
So now I have to start downloading again
The athletic-minded see me as weak
Cuz I'd much rather be just a dull cyber geek, yeah

(rap)
There was a man from the desert with spam in his head
He connected himself to the Net from his bed
The chats that he made made people assume
There wasn't much firing in the upper room
With crumbs on his shirt and crumbs on his face
He was a disgrace by the way that he ate
And everybody tripped when they heard him speak
Cuz then they too wanted to be cyber geeks

(chorus)
(bridge)
People say I'm strange, does this just make me stranger
That I surf the web like a lone ranger
(repeat bridge)
(modem solo)
(chorus out)
What will people think?
What will people do?
I don't really care
What else can I say?
Hacking is the way....

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
= Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash... =
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I wrote this poem twice already, and this is the last time I'm going to
write it.

Car Ownership
-------------

Hello, rearview mirror I never again have to adjust...
Hello, driver's seat I never again have to move forward...
Hello, armrest I never again have to raise...
Hello, car I can drive anywhere and anytime I want...
Goodbye, money...

melvan

----

The ever-popular Macheen Shed explodes in your face every day at

http://www.wildstar.net/~melvan/macheen/

This collection of lunacy is copyright 1997 by Renee Werner and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for letters, essays, parodies, poems, stories, and
whatnot sent in by our clinically insane subscribers.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent for publication (if you can call it that),
regarding spelling, punctuation, content, fishing lure earrings, AND fresh
bananas.

Read more »

The Intro

by melvan & eener

Quote of the Issue (from Elkvis): “If it ain’t fixed, don’t broke it!”

Hello, folks! This is the first issue of FME for 1998. And it’s a long one, folks! It’s been so long since we sent the last one that we’re overflowing with creativity…or stupidity, you be the judge.

Unfortunately, it’s also the last issue of FME for 1998. That’s right, this is the very last issue of FME. And this time we’re not kidding. Really. We have decided that since eener and melvan both have other things to do that don’t make room for writing FME, we are ending the magazine. There is no “April Fools!” at the end of this issue. That would be pretty silly. It’s not April. Of course, as long as it’s taking to write this amidst melvan’s computer troubles lately, you COULD be reading it in April. Perhaps at a later time one (or both) of us will write something else, and you’ll read it.

And since this is the last issue, and since we haven’t written it for five months, there’s a lot of stuff going in it. Therefore, we have broken it into several parts so you don’t get too bored reading a really long issue. The second part will come to you sometime in the next couple of weeks, and the third part will follow that by a week or two.

And also, since this is the last issue, we would like all past contributors to write something for the grand finale. So if you have some spare time and can write something, please send it to melvan@win.bright.net

The official web version of the grand finale issue is http://www.melvania.net/macheen/finale/ (if melvan ever gets around to writing those pages). You can get there from the Macheen Shed. Which has moved. http://www.melvania.net/macheen/

Continuation of the introduction: written by Joe “The Killer” Smith. Ha ha! Just kidding! Actually, this is eener’s contribution to the introduction. It’s January 24th, 1998, the day after melvan’s birthday!! Isn’t that great? She’s here with me in Stone Mountain, GA. She flew in yesterday to spend the weekend with me. Woo hoo! So if you hear on the news of strange occurrences in Stone Mountain, you’ll know what’s going on. We went yesterday to IHOP (International House of Pancakes) to celebrate melvan’s birthday. Darin, my sweet, wacky little hubby, mel and I all went. We happened to mention to the waitress that it was mel’s birthday. Later on in the meal, after we were all stuffed, the waitress brought us a huge sundae and some helium balloons. melvan sat there holding the balloons with an expression on her face, which, if I had to interpret it, was saying something like “Uhhhh….these waitresses are singing “happy birthday” to me…and I have these balloons in my hand and I don’t know where to put them…AND I have a cockroach on my head!” Well, maybe not the cockroach part, but anyway, we didn’t know where to put the balloons. So we told the waitress we would let them float up to the ceiling and get them later. Most unfortunately they became entangled in the light fixture on the ceiling, never to be recovered. And then a terrorist ran into the building and screamed “I’M GOING TO KILL ANYONE WHO’S HAVING A BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!” Do you know what his name was? Ted “The Assassin” Smith. Well, maybe not. A good time was had by all. Needless to say, it’s fun to have melvan here.

Hmm…okay, this intro is long enough n o w.

NOTE: I think melvan wants to make this intro even longer. She scrolled up to the top of the ‘zine, went under the last line, hit the space bar a few times, and then sat and stared at the screen. She stared some more, obviously experiencing writer’s block. She then hit the back-space key a few times, and decided not to make the intro longer.

Note from melvan: Nah, I was just going to write about mail trucks in rush hour on Sundays…

eener replies: don’t even THINK about it.

melvan says: Too late, I already did. Now if we could just remember what it was your hubby said yesterday that was so funny….
Read more »

The Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash was actually Renee’s
idea. She wrote the first few poems, then she thought it would be cool if
we both wrote a bunch of dumb poetry together one night, so we did it.
The first of my poems had many political themes interwoven in them, and I
later realized that they were really stupid. So I didn’t put those on
this page. Anyway, read and enjoy. Do not take any of these poems
seriously. We don’t want to be responsible for your psychiatric care if
it comes to that.

Landmark Poems

The BGT Poem

Billow

The Cemetery

Fiends

Herbert

The Identity Crisis Series

Introvert

Pepperoni and Sausage

Sewer

This is the poem that really started all the
dumb poetry. After Renee wrote it, she showed it to me and I read it. I
just about died laughing at it.

The BGT Poem

The sunset

fades on the

distant shore

the abstract

designs

rippling

as if undecided…

You come to my

mind, as you

wave your big green

thing.

eener

---

After this poem was when Renee thought of the Dumb Poetry
issue. So we wrote a bunch of dumb poetry for a couple hours, then stapled
the pages together and turned over the product to our audience, which at
that time consisted of five other people: my brother, my parents, Renee’s
mom, and Dory, a friend of both families. These are the best poems from
that first issue of Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash.

Questions

I ponder the

great questions

of life…

the blooming of the rose…

the workings of the ant…

the twinklings of the

stars…

and the fact that

Superman always

wears the same underwear

eener

The Key

Many ponder the

meaning of life…

I hold the meaning

of life

many will

never

realize

I hold the key to the

door…

but I just swallowed it.

eener

Unexpected

The final rays of

sunlight drift

across your uplifted face…

dancing, like elusive wood fairies

how do you hold a moonbeam

in your hand?

Perhaps the answer will never

be found, or perhaps the

answers to the great

questions of all time will

be discovered–

on the side of a milk carton.

eener

Renee likes this next poem. Short and to the point, sorta
like this intro, don’t you think?

The Cow

A flower in the garden

grows.

The cow in the pasture

poops.

melvan

Laboratory

The twisted amoeba

slithers

through

life

perhaps

always

wondering…

about the

huge eye always

on the

horizon

eener

This next poem has taken on a life of its
own. It will live forever in our minds as one of the (for lack of a better
word) grooviest poems ever written.

Sewer

I feel the pain

deep down…

I have felt this pain

before…

it is indescribable,

but I know you have

experienced it also…

It calls to me in an

exquisite voice, and I

know I must go–must

go and find a bathroom immediately.

eener

Junk

Junk

I stare as I walk

I trip

and fall on the floor

the junk has broken my fall

but I still cannot get up

melvan

The Radio

The radio burbles happily…

secretly regarding the listeners…

and spying…

the shadows take you…

piece by piece…

as memories from the

past…

climb into your ear…

and you happily

shove fish into your ear…

eener

Too Late

It takes you…

you howl in terror…

but there is no escape…

you violently inhale glue,

but it’s too late…

eener

---

After this issue of DPIACTT was finished and reviewed
by our critics (“You guys are insane!”), we decided to make another issue
that same night. So we stayed up late writing more poetry, some of which
made absolutely no sense the next morning (which is perfectly okay, since
we laugh at just about anything anyway).

The Eye

I saunter into the

school cafeteria…

receiving my plate,

and sitting at a

lovely blue table…

as I stare at my food,

it stares back at me…

the Tuna ala Blech regards

me with an unflinching

green eye…

and it is then that

I realize…

It is the eye of the

Lunch Lady

eener

My brother has an Amateur Radio license. There was a time
when that was all he thought about, talked about, or did. He was always
talking about how he was going to get a better antenna, or how much the
antenna he had then sucked, or something on that order. Renee & I picked
up on that and started writing poetry about antennas. We had an ongoing
joke about worshipping antennas. Here is one of Renee’s excursions into
antenna-dissing.

The Fawn

The unsteady fawn

wobbles on stilt-like legs…

she tumbles, unheeded to

the hard earth,

and is

impaled by

an

antenna.

eener

The next poem is one that I wrote, but
never thought funny. I was half asleep (or more) when I wrote it. Renee
read it and thought it was hilariously funny. I didn’t understand what
she thought was so funny about it. Since then, it has become another poem
with a life of its own. Enjoy.

Billow

Defeated.

Lawn ornaments

are defeated.

Nothing can

stop it.

Don’t try.

It’s useless.

The billowing billows

billow in the billowing billows.

I sleep on my pillow.

My pillow is punctured.

Defeated lawn ornaments.

They die soon.

melvan

Tooth

The skinny life form

grins

toothlessly…

he picks bugs happily of

his brother’s back,

and regards them

thoughtfully…

suddenly he erases himself,

and the world collapses…

eener

Opera

The piercing shriek,

emitted from a

button-popping fat man,

hovers, undecided,

and plunges down

the nearest toilet.

eener

Here is a sorta political poem written by Renee…now,
bear in mind that these poems were written in 1993, just after the
inaguration…if you’re not from the United States, you might not get it.
If you’re a liberal, you might not like it.

The Nothing

The nothingness

looms

beyond…

beyond…

our civilization watches

with trepidation…

the nothing sucks

the life out of those

nearest…

we scream in terror…

our existence is threatened…

but, alas, he will be

gone in 4 years…

eener

There are not enough words in the English
language to describe the effect that this next poem has had on us.
Renee was going through a phase in her life where she loved to make fun
of those pink flamingo lawn ornaments you see everywhere. We have
beaten this poem to death. It has had about five sequels.

The Cemetery

The tears fall

unchecked

from my eyes

as I stare at the cold

slab of cement that

marks your final

resting place…

I recall the times we

spent together…

the hideous pink lawn

ornament screams in

pain…

eener

---

These next few poems are from a more recent collection
called “The Lost Volumes of DPIACTT”. Most of them were written in the
church van on the way to a youth group skating activity. The first of
these is derived from another act of my brother. He was subscribed to
numerous mailing lists in which he received parts catalogs (for computers,
radios, etc.) almost every day.

Exit

It beckons irresistably…

the eye of the tomato

promises me great things,

I choose to believe,

and thus I sacrifice

my parts catalog.

eener

More antenna dissing…

Kite

The kite flies.

In the vast emptiness

the kite floats.

looking up, I observe the kite

I cry, as the kite

lodges in a black hole…

then it happened!

The antenna.

eener & melvan

I wrote the next poem, left with no title. Then Renee
added the title.

Oldsmobile

As I ponder and wander,

I wonder

if pondering and wandering

makes one wonder.

melvan

A moment of truth…

Meow

The elegant Siamese

cat

stretches and yawns…

he arches his back…

and contemplates the mouse…

the traveling salesman

screams in agony…

eener

---

These poems are from the third issue, which was
written five months after the first two. As you will soon tell, our
writing skills had improved immensely by this time. For instance, Renee
signed her name as “Alias Rear Window defogger…not!”

Denture

Twisted.

Dentures are twisted.

They clatter in the cup–

slurping up glue

and Pepsi–

vowing that someday

they’d travel under

20,000 toilets.

Dead. Skeleton. Rancid.

eener

Bang

Open–it welcomes

the public…

people swarm

over its black tiled

floors–

people pay to ogle–

the flying butresses–

a century has passed–

and it’s too late

for Matilda.

Bang.

eener

Stripe

Spittle–Mr. Meow.

He nods in agreement,

but still questions the

stripe.

eener

Blue

The misty blue

of the ripe blueberry

tempts me to

pluck it from the stem…

Mary had a little lamb

whose fleece was white

as snow,

e-i, e-i, o.

eener

Snow

A blanket covering the world–

it enfolds me in

soft white beauty…

the same,

yet all different–

the bungee cord

resembles a snake

as it strangles the

beast–

just as it was about

to burp up the

secret of life

eener

Ancient

Etched in stone

are the markings of

cavemen from

centuries ago.

Their final resting place

is none other than–

Excess water in the bathroom

melvan

The next poem is another one that sticks
around. You’ll soon see why.

Herbert

Confusion presides

in the enlosed space…

the last moonbeam fades

in the red sky–

the structure crumbles

in the distance…

as the viewers came to

the conclusion that

the structure, was indeed,

Elvis in his second life–

but alas Herbert

has outsmarted them all.

plop. plop. plop.

eener

Bong

The volcano bubbles,

and rumbles in a

threatening way–

and yea it did spew

forth the contents

of the deep–

which did contain

the Devil’s dirty dishes–

bong. bong. bong.

eener

And one of my personal favorites…

Introvert

The young pine tree

Quivers.

eener

Faded

Fading–

unable to be seen…

we question its existence–

but yet we smell it–

the final fragments

stick to the dead chicken’s

eyeball,

never to be seen again

Spaghetti, toad, armadillo.

eener

Duh

You look at me

with no hope left in your eyes.

Perhaps because–

you have no eyes…

eener

The

She ponders

the lifeless body

full of foot adornments.

The victim eyes

the bloated big toe–

crunch.

melvan & eener

Ed

Wigged

Wacked

Flipped

Flopped

Inverted

Epilepsy

eener

---

The next volume of Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash,
due to a clerical error, was also called Volume Three.

Picnic Basket

Courageously, she faces her opponent

he stands, tall and grim,

etched against the moonlit sky…

In the distance

a bombshell explodes

and screams of agony

join the chorus of crickets–

his facemask falls away

only to reveal

the picnic basket of death.

Banana. Orange. Apple.

eener

Dween

Innocent!

I am innocent!

My third cousin

is a salesman.

eener

Strawberry

Luscious,

a ripe red strawberry

hangs from the

lush green plant

in the middle of a field

in the middle of a farm

in the middle of a town

in the middle of Iowa

eener

Ranch

Shimmering icicles

hang from the

eaves of the house

a single droplet of water

journeys down the icicle

and onto the waiting snowbank.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch,

Herbert is trying to

conjugate verbs

at a frightening speed.

eener

Trust

I wonder

can I trust you,

or will you let me down?

I think I’ve found

the answer

and then it disappears

in a puff of smoke

and then comes a whisper

in my ear

“If you build it, they will come”

Unfortunately,

my eye inscriber

is out of order.

eener

Two

They line up against the wall–

the alligator man,

the kazoo man,

and the firefighter.

They have all come here

for one purpose–

They have come to

retrieve the Spleen of Dindor.

eener & melvan

A spoof on a very annoying television commercial, at least
to us.

H.C.F.M.

They smile at the viewers

convincingly–

bald men with fake hair.

One of them seems to

be in charge

He smiles at the camera

and says:

“Remember, I’m not only

the Hair Club president,

I’m also a big fat dork.”

eener

---

The fifth volume was titled “Volume
Something-or-Another”, because we both forgot which issue it was. How’s
that for teamwork? The first is about a popular musical artist, whose
name we will not mention, since you’ll probably be able to figure it out
for yourself anyway.

A Tribute

It doesn’t matter if you’re

black and white

Weee-ho

Or if you’re on drugs

Weee-ho

Or if your hair looks like

a lady’s

Weee-ho

Or if people mistake you

for your sister

Weee-ho

As for me…

Weee-ho

I’m black and white,

a lady and a man at the

same time!

eener

It

Eagerly he

approaches the

concealed being…

The exquisite voice calls

as he advances…

suddenly, the being

chokes on–what?

It violently thrashes about as

he peeks around the corner…

Hairball.

melvan

Another semi-political poem by Renee. Again, if you’re
liberal, you probably won’t find it funny, but I could be wrong.

Bill

Frantic–

the congressmen pickpocket

the commoners

at breakneck speed

They sign bills hurriedly

And they even signed

Bill. His face is easy to read.

eener

These next three poems come from Renee’s and my
experiences with the high school band. We both played clarinet (and bass
clarinet for one year). Band members are a totally different breed than
the rest of you out there. If you’ve ever been in band, you’ll
understand. If you haven’t, don’t think about it too hard…your brain
might blow up.

Clarinet

With a wild look in her eye,

she snapped the long

clarinet into playing position–

with spit flying, she played

a furious rendition of

“Christmas in Poland”

only to realize later

Her mouthpiece was

missing.

eener

And if you’ve ever played bass clarinet,
have you done what this poem is talking about? The title is Fiends.
Actually, when Renee was writing it, she meant to write “friends”, but
left out the r.

Fiends

The two fiends

played long black instruments

in small square cubicles

with backwards door handles,

they conspired–

and put their feet

at odd angles

into their horns.

eener

This one is about going back to playing a regular B flat
clarinet after playing a bass clarinet for the whole concert season.

Notes

He obviously is in a bad mood.

Yelling at trumpets.

“You lost two whole letter grades!”

Blat blat blat.

“Faster! Slower! Louder!”

AARGH!

Someone shrunk our horns!

melvan

Of course, being from Wisconsin, we have to include a few
complaints about our seemingly permanent winter weather. Here it
is…

Wisconsin version of “Little Boy Blue”

The pigs got out of the pen

the cows broke the fence

the sheep are in the corn

Where’s the boy who

looks after the sheep?

He’s under a haystack,

froze to death.

eener

---

The next issue was also called “Volume
Three”. I had mentioned to Renee that I thought it had been about a year
since we started the Dumb Poetry, so when she made the cover, she added
the phrase “Ten Year Anniversary Edition”. The first poem is one that has
taken on new meaning since I started working at Pizza Hut.

Pepperoni and Sausage

My tennis shoes

are an environmental threat

crustless little triangles

hop on the piano keys

performing “Chopsticks”

the end of the world is coming

while teethless hockey players

attack skaters.

Goodbye.

eener

Next we have a poem about a certain object that I had in
my room for a long time. It’s still there, it just doesn’t have any
batteries. Actually, I just figured out what it was about a few weeks
ago. It is a clock that says “This room has been declared a disaster
area.”

Disaster Area

Tick tock

tick tock

tick tock

tick tock

eener

Photographs

Old, faded photographs

tell stories from the past

toothpicks

hold sandwiches together

eener

These next two poems revive an old phrase we used when we
were in first grade. Neither of us remembers what it means anymore.

Old

He asks, “What is the

secret to your success?”

The wise sage ponders a

moment, then carefully,

deliberately, he answers:

“Sneelock Harn”

melvan

Older

She asks “What is the

secret to your powerful

political career?”

The politician doesn’t think,

but simply says

“I killed Sneelock Harn”

eener

---

These next poems come from the second
off-line edition of FME. Renee and I wrote them back and forth,
responding to the last one written.

Identity Crisis

Are you

my pituitary gland?

eener

The Answer

Yes

I am

your

pituitary

gland.

melvan

Identity Crisis II

I want to be

an Oscar Mayer Weiner.

eener

Identity Crisis III

So do

I.

melvan

Identity Crisis IV

I want to be

an

Identity Crisis.

eener

Conclusion

Gesundheit.

Fanny.

Weaselspit.

melvan

Identity Crisis, the sequel

Bang-bang.

I’m dead.

eener

Continued

Brush my teeth

and go to bed.

melvan
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